Archive for the ‘Divorce Issues’ Category
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Red zones in schools, churches, and homes—when kids don’t feel safe!
Ever heard of the “Red Zone?” Many of us understand that when something enters the red zone, it can prove to be a daunting situation. For example, if your car overheats, and the temperature gauge moves into the red zone, it’s important to check the engine to see what’s going on. Otherwise, the car may overheat or cause a fire, and you Read more…
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Creative tips to use when living with or ministering to a traumatized child
In another blog, “Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?” I presented how children might act when exposed to various crises. Today let’s look at what we can do when ministering to, living with, or working with a child that has been traumatized. What to do When dealing with unruly children change from thinking or asking, “What’s wrong with you?” to Read more…
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Building a Bridge of Support for Children of Divorce
“The truth is, kids of divorce can be resilient when they have a strong support system undergirding them while the family they knew radically changes. What better place for children of divorce to find strong support than in God’s house, among friends and adults who’ll love and care for them? Still, many children’s ministers are unsure of what it takes to minister Read more…
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How to help single parents de-stress their children
In another post, we talked about using nature at church to help de-stress children of divorce. It’s a lonely world out there when you’re parenting alone, and your kid gets stressed out by something you have no control over. It is good to have a few suggestions on hand to help single parents. When I was a single parent, my kids and Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I handle Fathers Day with kids who have absent, uninvolved fathers?
Father’s Day is upon us again. I’ve been watching all the Father’s Day ideas on Pinterest and Facebook pages that serve children’s ministers. I’ve also received a slew of emails from prominent children’s ministers and children’s organizations talking about honoring fathers on this up-and-coming Father’s Day. I’m seeing some great ideas, and I’m glad to see churches reaching out to fathers. Read more…
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Practical tips to honor noncustodial dads on Father’s Day
In a previous post about Father’s Day we talked about the how to help kids who have a MIA dad. There are many dads who are not missing. These are the dads, who while they might not have custody, are good dads that love their children deeply. They care about the well fare of the kids and the family where their children live. Read more…
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Single Parents: How do I help my kid transition into their summer visitation schedule?
“The children in our area will be getting out of school in the next couple of weeks. I already know several kids of divorce that will be taking off the day after school is out. How do I send these kids off for the summer and let them know how much we will miss them?” (A children’s pastor) Many children of divorce have Read more…
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Is there a difference between a broken home and a single parent family?
Many times when people say, “broken home” one thinks of a single-parent home where the kids are out of control or possibly the parent is out of control. You might question if there is a big difference between broken homes and single-parent homes. I mean, after all, don’t both kinds of homes have only one parent? So, is there really a difference between Read more…
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Single moms are moms too! Honor them on Mother’s Day.
Single moms deserve the honor of being acknowledged on Mother’s Day. But how many single moms will be in your church on Mother’s Day? Have you ever noticed that some single moms might not attend on Mother’s Day? Know why? Because it can be a hurtful day without their children. You know, the kids who are with the other parent every other Read more…
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How do we tell our children we are divorcing?
This is a tough situation but we can help you. Judith Wallerstein, in her book What About the Children? says it is best to plan on having two family meetings with both parents together with their children. Obviously, we are assuming that both parents are willing to participate: The first meeting is when the parents tell the children about the divorce. Read more…
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Single Parents: Ten Discipline Solutions for Single Parents
When one is parenting alone, there is no one to help late at night or on a day-to-day basis when discipline situations arise. It can get overwhelming, to say the least. Following are some typical questions many single parents have asked me regarding discipline situations. You can use this article to help educate yourself so when something happens you will have Read more…
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Single Parents: Summer months can be very complicated for your children
Summer months can become very sticky, messy, and complicated for mothers, fathers, and children in divorced families and single-parent homes. Divorce decrees can mandate that when school is out, and the children visit the other parent for extended periods of time. They may stay several weeks or even all summer with the other parent. In places with year-round school, the children might stay Read more…
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Single Parents: What are the 3 S’s that can trigger unexpected emotions and memories at Christmas?
Just thinking about walking into my mom’s kitchen brings back fond memories. The aroma of homemade candies and pies flood my mind. The sight of her Christmas tree with the tiny little red bell that had been in my family since before I was born comes to my mind. Any time I smell cinnamon, it takes me back to Christmases past when Read more…
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How to keep single parents from burning out
Loneliness and stress are probably the largest reasons why single parents burn out. And right now with Covid 19 and the sheltering in place and lock downs, many single parent are feeling the crunch. Many are not getting to see the children because they are at the other parent’s home. Others are worried that with all the transporting back and forth between Read more…
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Take precautions – infectious virus
Coronavirus and pandemic are words being cast around the world right now. People are scared. You can hear it in the almost panic voices of the news media as they expound on the coronavirus crisis. Being in children’s ministry, I naturally think about the children in our communities. To be specific, I think about the children in single-parent families. Kids of divorce are Read more…
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The Wind Chime That Changed Christmas
For this single-parent family, it was the first Christmas without the other parent. How could a wind chime make a difference? How did a wind chime help this single parent make new traditions during the holidays? It’s important for single parents to approach the birth of our Savior during the Christmas holidays. It doesn’t have to be all about presents, stressing over where Read more…
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Question of the week: Why is the interruption of routines and traditions at Christmas so difficult for a child?
Children of divorce get used to a particular routine. While living in a different house every week or leaving your home to spend every other weekend with a different parent might not seem like a routine to us adults, to children, it is what has become their routine. It is a schedule that has become a routine they can count on to Read more…
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Murdered Single Mom
Six years ago, at about 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve, a seventeen-year-old young man murdered his single mom in the Florida community where I live. They had been having an altercation, and at some point, the young man grabbed a baseball bat, beat his mom, and stabbed her numerous times with kitchen knives. From all accounts, the young man appeared to be a Read more…
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3 reasons grandparents who parent grandchildren are emotionally exhausted—and how you can help
Grandparents who parent their grandchildren come in all ages, shapes, sizes, and colors. Some are healthy. Others aren’t. Some are financially stable. Others live on a fixed income. Many are married. And many are single. And some are in second and third marriages. But no matter the age, health condition, marital status, or finances, raising grandchildren is emotionally tough. Let’s look at three Read more…
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15 fears and worries single parents face
Recently in our Single and Parenting class we covered the question, “What fears and worries do you have raising your children by yourself?” Our group was quick to share from their hearts. I’ve asked this question many times at workshops and seminars. Here are some answers I’ve garnered over the years How would I keep my kids safe? When my kids lived close Read more…
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How Do You Help the Single Dads in Your Church?
When many people think “single parent” they automatically think of the single mom. While single moms do make up the majority of single parents, single dad households are on the rise. According to research published in 2013 and released by the Pew Research Social & Demographic Trends in the article “The Rise of Single Fathers” minor children living in a home headed by Read more…
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Does your church disciple single dads?
We hear a lot in the news about deadbeat single dads. These stories are about single dads who don’t step up to the plate and support their children. Not long ago there was the news story in the New York Times titled, Skip Child Support. Go to Jail. Lose Job. Repeat. I’m not here to debate the political correctness of that situation. I Read more…
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Happy Father’s Day!
To single dads, co-parenting dads, noncustodial fathers, stepdads, and to those who are happily married: thanks for all you do to love and support your children. You make a difference!
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Regarding Father’s Day: Single dads are dads too!
This month I’d like to bring emphasis to the single dads in our world today. Let’s start by thinking about single dads and Father’s Day. Father’s Day is set aside to celebrate the father’s in our world. Some children of divorce may not have a close relationship with their father. Perhaps the Lord has provided another person to play that father role. Read more…
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Grieving a death vs. grieving a divorce: a child’s perspective
Losing a parent to death or to divorce is catastrophic for any child. However, there are different issues in the grief process between the death of a parent and the end of the parent’s marriage. When a child loses a parent due to death, even young children can understand the concept that the body quit working. All children come across toys or things that Read more…
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Why kids won’t tell their stories
Recently I posted an article about why kids need to tell their stories. It is very important for kids to talk and tell stories about the breakup of their family. Unfortunately, there are several reasons why they won’t attempt to talk and share what is happening to them. Did you notice I said, “Won’t attempt to talk?” Some kids become mute when they are with Read more…
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Why do kids of divorce need to tell their stories?
If you read this blog often you have read, “kids need to tell their stories.” Why do I continually say this. Is it really that important for kids to talk about their lives? Is it important to bring up things that are currently happening in their daily lives? Absolutely it is and here’s why. I’ve read several books about adult children of divorce and many Read more…
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Help a single parent family turn to God
I see many single parents turn to the church for help. They know they need help in working through a crisis. They understand they need support through prayer partners in the church. However, in today’s world a lot of people simply don’t know how to seek God. Church is foreign to them and they are clueless as to what goes on in that Read more…
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The Easter Bunny arrives right on cue!
Easter was only a week away. Everywhere you looked there were Easter displays. Many churches were planning an Easter egg hunt or Easter celebrations the next Saturday. Kids in my preschool and after-school program were hyped about Easter games, Easter baskets, Easter candy, and Easter, Easter, Easter. In my program were three children who were not excited about all this Easter stuff. Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part II
In Part 1 of “A class without stickers and rewards” we presented the downside to rewarding children and how rewards created “other control.” Today, let’s examine how many people use various reward systems for behavior issues. Sometimes we think handing a reward to each child that behaves will encourage the out of control kids to think about their behavior. The problem is most kids Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part I
First let me say that I like stickers. I think stickers are fun crazy and whimsical. I know many of you are tied to your stickers and rewards. I understand. Handing out rewards has been a mainstay in children’s ministry for a long time. What I want to present in this post is how do you have a class without stickers or other Read more…
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He stomped in and plopped down in a chair. It was going to be a wild ride!
Ever had a child stomp into a room and when you tried to greet him he turned his back and plopped himself down in a chair? Most of have experienced something like this. Oh the way the child entered the room may have been different, but you knew the minute you saw the child it was going to be one of “those” days with Read more…
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He was so angry he couldn’t sit still!
Ever seen a kid so mad about his parent’s separation or divorce that he couldn’t even sit still for a minute? I had a nine year-old boy like this last a few years ago. He started our DC4K group in September and he oozed anger. He literally couldn’t make his body be still. Anger was etched on his face. Anger was in his movements. Read more…
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Have you ever played the Baggage Game?
Have you ever thought about the baggage a child of divorce carries around with them? I’m not talking about the backpacks or suitcases. I’m talking about the heavy stuff, the emotional stuff the things that weigh down their minds and make their hearts heavy. When I’m out doing workshops for children’s ministers and church leaders I like to have the participants play Read more…
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Why are behavior problems compounded when there is a divorce?
I get asked this questions all the time: “Why do behavior problems escalate when there is a divorce.” Having divorcing parens creates a lot of confusion in many children, not all children but in many children. To a little kid there are crazy things start happening when parents separate or divorce. The child doesn’t understand adult problems and even though a lot of Read more…
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Question of the week: Do you have any advice for parents to help children who rotate between two homes?
I was recently asked this question on Facebook. I know nothing about the individual situation that prompted this question so I can only answer in generalities. Here are a few ideas that will help all children. Share them with the single parents you know and minister to: Keep a calendar in a prominent place so the child can see it. Remind the Read more…
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Understanding visitation arrangements
I attend a lot of children and family ministry conferences. I’m also part of several KidMin Facebook pages so I get a lot of questions about children of divorce. Here are three questions children’s pastors asked about visitation issues. I understand the ‘every other weekend’ visitation schedule. I understand a child visiting the other parent on holidays and during the summer. But we Read more…
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Emotional concussions can be just as lethal, and sometimes even more so, than a physical concussion
Have you ever considered the term emotional concussion? Have you ever thought about what might be involved in an emotional concussion? Emotional concussions occur when young children Live in homes controlled by alcohol, drugs, explosive tempers Live in homes full of stress Live with dysfunctional adults Have exposure to people who are physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abusive Experience the divorce of their parents From Read more…
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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies
Children of divorce have a lot of questions to ask but many times they don’t know whom to ask. If or when they do get up the courage to ask their questions, many are told lies. Or maybe they aren’t really lies but “half-truths.” Children need the truth– not lies or made up stories. I have always advocated that children be told the Read more…
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No R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for anyone or anything. What do you do?
“I am fed up with some of these kids. They have no respect for me or for anything!” I have often heard people that work with misbehaving kids talk about the lack of respect some of these kids have. They say it like they are ready to throw in the towel and walk away. My suggestion is to take the word “respect” Read more…
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Part Two: Reasons we do what we do at Christmas and all year long
She pushed another child and screamed at the child in front of her as the Christmas play began. She didn’t want to be on stage. She didn’t want any part of the play. She shouted, “It’s just a stupid old play anyway. Who cares?” as she stormed off the stage. Her mom sat there terrified not knowing what to do. Her dad sat Read more…
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5 Ways You Can Help Single Parents Survive the Upcoming Holidays
From Halloween through Christmas can seem like an entire season for single parents. For people parenting alone or co-parenting these two months have a tendency to loom very large over them. Stress is high – finances are low. Parties are often – a full night of sleep is desired. Shopping and rushing around is endured – calm quiet activities are rare. What can Read more…
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Why the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” policy doesn’t work with the child of divorce
One popular discipline policy churches use is what is called the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” policy. In theory it sounds reasonable but for many hurting children it is not reasonable or even fair. It goes something like this; the child doesn’t obey the rules, is unruly or is disrespectful in some manner and the count down starts. Strike 1: The first time Read more…
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How silence shatters dreams for the child of divorce
Every child has dreams and when parents divorce or break up, silence from the adults in their lives can tend to destroy the dreams in a normal child centered environment. All children are self-centered. That’s how God made us – to depend on our parents and other adults. However, when there is a crisis such as a divorce, kids need people to talk Read more…
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Be an encourager for the little people this holiday season
When I was growing up, we went to my grandmother’s for holiday events. I remember when our entire family, including all the cousins, came together at Christmas, there were always two eating areas. One was in the kitchen at the kitchen table, and that’s where all the kids or, as my grandfather would say, “the little people” would eat. At the nice dining-room Read more…
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Veterans Day and the military kid of divorce
From the article, What is Veterans Day we read, “Veterans Day is an American federal holiday celebrated each year on November eleventh. The day honors those who have served in the United States military.” This year Veterans Day fell on Sunday so many locations are celebrating today, Monday November 12th. In our area, which is a huge military area, schools are out and all of Read more…
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Successful communication tips when talking to children
It’s important to know what not to say, what to say, and how to say it. Recently I published a post about focusing on what you want more of. I got several private messages with questions and what if situations. Much of the people wanted to know more about controlling behaviors by the way you speak. What not to say “Okay?” at the Read more…
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Are you making life difficult for the child of divorce?
Do you make life difficult for the child of divorce? You might be surprised to learn you are doing that. Let me put this another way, do you dress the child of divorce in meaningless “garb”? Many times as adults we make life difficult for children. This is especially true for children of divorce. We try to comfort the child with adult-isms. You Read more…
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Got grouchy kids this week?
What are the two most difficult days out of the entire year for the child of divorce? Want to try and guess what they are? Christmas? Thanksgiving? Valentines Day? Halloween? Birthday? Did you pick any of the above? These are all good guesses and for many children some of these days are difficult. But the two days that cause havoc with the Read more…
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When children have heart attacks
For years children have told me their hearts hurt. When I ask them where it hurts, they will lay their little hands over their hearts and say, “It hurts right here.” You might say these little ones are having heart attacks. We don’t usually think about little children having a heart attack. The kind of “heart attack” I’m talking about is affecting thousands Read more…
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Responses to “What you focus on you get more of”
Recently I published a blog post about the importance of focusing on what we want kids to do and not on what we don’t want them to do. In the article I state, “I focus on how I want the kids to act and how they should behave. I set the expectations and standards early on, like the minute they walk into our Read more…
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What you focus on, you get more of – think discipline!
I facilitate a DC4K, DivorceCare for Kids, group at my church. We have 14 kids registered. Some of the kids are already in step family situations. Some have half siblings. Some live with a grandparent, and all have experienced either a divorce or a separation of their birth parents. We have children from kindergarten through fifth grade in our group. Mixed ages work Read more…
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Kids of divorce need predictability. How do you give them that?
Today, we continue our exploration about the importance of “rituals” for the child of divorce. This post will focus on the need for predictability in the lives of children of divorce. It’s very important that the child of divorce knows they can depend on specific things happening at specific times. They often have the perception that their lives are out of control and in disarray. Read more…
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The legacy impact of divorce on children
Divorce often has a profound lifetime effect on the child of divorce. While not all divorce-related legacies affect every child, most children will have some repercussions from the dissolution of the parent’s marriage. Divorce affects every child differently – even children in the same families. Following are some of the short-term legacies that most children experience. Short-term Intense stress Overwhelming emotions Constant fear Read more…
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5 Misperceptions About Children of Divorce and Their Families
In order to minister to children of divorce, we have to understand them. Unfortunately, many people who minister to these children hold some common misperceptions about children of divorce and their families. They might not realize the extent to which these children are hurting. The following are five misperceptions people have shared with me about children of divorce and their families: “These kids Read more…
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“I hate Divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel
For some church leaders and children’s workers it may be hard to truly understand what happens with a child of divorce inside the child’s head, within the heart, and under the skin Plainly stated, children lose their family. They lose a mom and dad living together as a unit. While this may seem like it is a simple statement, it has monumental outcomes Read more…
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More things kids of divorce do well
After the last post about “Ten things kids of divorce do well,” people responded with more things these kids do well and I’ve been asked to update the lists of things these kids do well. Please understand these lists do not apply to all children of divorce. And not all things on the lists apply to every child. God creates all of us Read more…
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10 things kids of divorce do well
. Did you know that while divorce is heart breaking for children there are many things kids of divorce do well? Oh, maybe not at first but eventually as they heal and move forward with their lives, they have a few advantages over other kids who haven’t experienced the break up of their family. Here are some of the things they do well Read more…
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A big problem for our future – 40% of children lack secure attachment
Many infants who live in a stressed single-parent home face attachment issues. The single parent, which could be a mom or a dad, might be in a state of shock and barely surviving. They take the child to childcare, work a full day, pick up the child, and stumble home. Hoping the childcare is giving adequate care, they may feed the child and Read more…
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Divorce – The Post-It Note from childhood
How many of you have ever used post-it notes? Post-it notes are cool plus they serve a purpose. They stick and they stick to almost any substance. I use post it notes to mark songs in books that I need to practice on the piano. When my kids were little I used them in their lunches to remind them they were loved. Sometimes Read more…
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New helpful single parent resource
Take a look at the new “sharpened” ParentZone with resources, to help single-parents and those supporting them. You can send single parents to the ParentZone to watch short videos to hep them during the time of parenting alone. Here are some samples: Parenting Goals & Expectations Tired & Overwhelmed Emotions & Stability: Anger & Anxiety Your Children & Your Fears You can Read more…
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Question of the week: How can I, who know nothing about divorce, help a child in our church whose parent’s marriage is on the rocks?
The following is from a children’s minister “There is a 4th grader in my ministry whose parents are on the verge of divorce. Things seem to have improved for now as they are seeking counseling. I have no point of reference for ministering to her, at least as it specifically relates to this situation. I identified that there was something going on with Read more…
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What a difference a smile makes!
When my grandson was three years old I moved into my daughter’s house and lived there for a year while she was deployed to Afghanistan. I noticed right away, the three year-old smiled all the time. This little kid was one happy little guy. He even smiled most of the time when he was in trouble. His smile and happiness rarely got him Read more…
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Why do kids of divorce ask, “Who am I?”
Imagine looking like your father and being proud of that fact. Perhaps at some point in your young life your grandmother proudly said to her friends, “This is Sonny’s boy. Doesn’t he look just like Sonny?” And all of her friends proclaim that yes you were the spitting image of your father and you even look a lot like your grandfather. A smile Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I greet the child of divorce after a long absence?
From a children’s minister friend: “I have several children who have been gone most of the summer. I suspect they went to the other parent’s home or to visit extended family out of town. These are kids we don’t really know much about. They just started attending our church last spring. When we’ve called or tried to contact the single parent this summer Read more…
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Why children of divorce feel helpless – and how “choices” can help
One of the tragedies of divorce for children is the feeling of helplessness. Many adults who experienced their parents’ divorce report that, as children, they felt powerless and vulnerable. For the children it seems as though everything is out of control. Changing routines People moving out Things and belongings disappearing People disappearing such as neighbors if there is a move And this is Read more…
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Question of the week: Can you help me understand boundaries that some single parents might need to develop?
There are many single parents that have always had problems setting boundaries for themselves. For some the lack of ability to set personal boundaries is the reason they are parenting alone. Other single parents develop boundary problems when they begin to parent alone. Maybe it is due to the shock of becoming a single parent or perhaps it is the stress involved in Read more…
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Question of the week: How do you discuss the subject of forgiveness with children of divorce?
Forgiveness can be a difficult, sometimes impossible subject to explain when interacting with children who have separated or divorced parents. Some children may have never had forgiveness modeled for them. Others have heard a parent scream sarcastically, such as, “I’m sorry you made me hit you.” These kids have no clue what you are talking about when you say the word “forgiveness.” Read more…
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The importance of collections to the child of divorce
All kids like to collect things. Rocks, bugs, jewels, stamps, coins, and other small items become important to children. Sometimes the items are silly, fun things, while other times there might be a purpose to the art of collecting certain items. Some children turn their collections into hobbies. Boys who collect baseball cards and other sports memorabilia are good examples of collecting Read more…
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Ten tips to create an every-other-weekend home for the child of divorce
Many times, we concentrate on the single-parent home where a child resides. But there are thousands of part-time single parents. These are the situations when the kids come to visit on the weekend. Part-time single parents need help and suggestions to create an emotionally and spiritually healthy environment for the kids. This information in this blog is to help single parents whose kids Read more…
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How puppies can help you understand little kids in divorced homes
About three years ago, we got a cute, little puppy. She was from a rescue organization, and she was not quite twelve weeks when we brought her home. She was a just a little mutt but still cute nonetheless. She was all white, fluffy, and just the sweetest, little thing. Oh, how I fell in love with her. She wasn’t without trials, Read more…
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Champions, cheerleaders, and mentors – oh my! How they can change a child’s life
Recently, I read the book Cheering for the Children by Casey Gwinn. This is an amazing book, and while not written for church leaders or children’s ministers, it is a worthwhile read to anyone ministering to children, especially those who have experienced early trauma, including the divorce of their parents. Gwinn is a man who understands that children hurt by those they love Read more…
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Are you leaving children at the foot of the cross?
Several years ago, I had a man tell me, “Don’t leave these kids from divorced homes at the foot of the cross!” I wasn’t sure I’d heard what he said, so I asked him to repeat it. Don’t leave these kids of divorce at the foot of the cross! This was very confusing to me. I had to ask what on Read more…
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The challenge of childcare for single parents and how to help
We all know our children are the next generation. Unless adults make conscious efforts, they parent kids the way they were parented. Being parented doesn’t necessarily mean your mother or father raised you. For generations, people such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends have raised children. We have even had children raised by people once unknown to the children, such as foster parents. Read more…
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Do kids ever recover from the divorce of their parents?
Recover might not be an appropriate term to use. When you think of the term recover or look it up, the definition is “to return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.” When you think of kids recovering from the divorce of their parents, you need to understand their lives will never return to their previous state. Things will always be Read more…
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Children caught in the middle
Allow me to share this story I think will help you understand how hard it sometimes is to move forward in life. One spring day, I was walking in my neighborhood. As I rounded the curve, I noticed a little girl who looked to be about five years old playing outside while her mom worked in the yard. When I came back Read more…
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Things I wish my teachers at church knew….
Several years ago, a lot of attention on social media was given to a teacher, Kyle Schwartz. She didn’t know much about the students in her class, so she set out to find out about them by asking, “I wish my teacher knew … .” She instructed the students to write their responses. The results from that one simple question astounded her. One Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a mean or hurtful child?
Many children come across as being mean or hurtful. However, most of these children just need help regulating their behavior. They don’t need consequences and punishments. Let me say it again: they need help regulating their behavior. How do you help a child who comes across as being mean? How do you have empathy for a child who is hurtful to others? I Read more…
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Should you make kids apologize?
I don’t believe in making kids apologize. You may be wondering if you read that correctly. Yes, I said, “I don’t believe in making kids apologize.” Stay with me on this because there are reasons I feel this way. And it is especially true for the child of divorce. Don’t get me wrong—it’s wise to teach children to apologize when they offend Read more…
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Question of the week: How can single parents overcome unique summertime problems?
Upon reading the post Dreading the summer as a single parent, a Single & Parenting leader responded with some concerns single parents had shared with her about the summer months. Daycare costs go up dramatically. One mom said she usually pays for after-school care and now will pay for full daycare. Her expenses are going from $250 to more than $800 a Read more…
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Single parent: free help with household chores!
Leaders: share this post with single parents! Parenting alone can be overwhelming. If you are a single parent, the following strategies can lift some of the burden of running your home: The responsibilities The chores The kids The car The laundry The appointments The kids’ activities The schedule changes The extra jobs or overtime So let me ask you: Are you up for Read more…
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Timely tips to help kids of divorce love summer camp
Many churches host camps during the summer months. Some are day camps children attend only during the day. Other are overnight camps. Summer camps can be wonderful experiences for children. A lot of children from two-parent homes wait excitedly to attend these fun, awesome camps. Not so much for many children in single-parent homes. Summer camps can become sticky and messy for Read more…
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It’s hard when kids leave for visitation. How can you help the single parent?
This is a tough issue. I have to confess I didn’t handle this one very well when I was a single parent. The first few times my children left for the weekend, I was lost and hurting. I have learned over the years how to approach this dilemma. This is one of those issues that unless you’ve experienced it or walked with Read more…
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Do you have single parents dreading the summer? Here are some ideas from an expert.
Today’s post is from guest writer Kathy Fallon.* Kathy shares with us her personal experiences of how she handled the summer as a working, divorced single mom. Share these wonderful ideas with the single parents connected to your ministry. When I was a single mom, I dreaded the summer. It was a time I still had to work, and the kids were out of Read more…
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“Wook at ME mommy”
“Wook at me. I doing it” is really cute when a little toddler has learned to accomplish a feat, such as slipping on a jacket. We might smile and say something like, “Well, look at you! You put your jacket on. You did it.” Kids of all ages want to be noticed. Even as adults, most of us like to be noticed Read more…
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Question of the week: Does divorce define who a child is?
Does divorce define who a child is? Ask these children. I’m divorced, says a seven-year-old girl. We’re divorced, my mom and me, says an eight-year-old boy. When my dad and I got our divorce…, says a ten-year-old girl. Why would children say these kinds of thing? They didn’t get divorced. However, you can hear many children, up through tweens and young teens, say Read more…
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Question of the week: What custody arrangement is best for the children?
People ask me this question quite often. Usually, they are children’s ministry leaders or church leaders who don’t have much experience with divorce or single-parenting issues. Nationally, there is a huge debate on this issue. Let’s take a step back in history to help you understand some of the issues in this debate. In 1969, when then-Governor Ronald Reagan signed the no-fault divorce Read more…
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Children of divorce: caught in the middle
On my morning walk, I noticed two birds chirping very loudly. One bird was on the right side of the street. The other bird was on the left side of the street. It seemed to me that they were conversing with each other. The one on the right chirped almost as if it were yelling. Then the bird on the left Read more…
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Question of the week: Why are family meals so important for the single parent?
Quite a bit of research shows that family meals are important in keeping kids connected to the family unit. Some research even says kids get better grades and are less depressed when families eat together. Unfortunately, with the hectic, busy lifestyles single parents lead, family meals are often the last thing they think about. On the way home after work and picking Read more…
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8 fun and easy tips to help children release stress and get rid of anger
Many children of divorce will experience tremendous stress. These children may express their stress through angry behavior. When a child is stressed and living in the survival mode or the fight or flight part of the brain they are incapable of learning, processing information or functioning in a reasonable manner. It becomes all about surviving in the moment. When you can get Read more…
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Question of the week: How do you prepare your child for the disruption of their schedule?
Anyone who ministers to children of divorce will come across this issue at some point. Most of these kids struggle with chaotic schedules. Even as they need consistency, they cope with unstable and fluid timetables, a byproduct of separation or divorce. Past posts have addressed the importance of consistent schedules for children of divorce. At the beginning of the school year, there Read more…
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The big overwhelming variable that causes kids of divorce anxiety
Many things affect children when parents divorce. However, there is one big, overwhelming variable that causes kids of divorce angst and anxiety—and that is when parents continue to fight and war with each other. Parental conflict affects children for many years to come. When parents continue to fight, that does several things to the children in the family. Many times, kids are Read more…
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Children’s ministers have a HUGE responsibility
If the regular guy on the street knew all the responsibilities and tasks a children’s minister is responsible for, they would be singing “Hail to the King/Queen” every time you walked by. Your job includes the height, depth and width of building the Kingdom of God Height: The physical work is overwhelming. You spend hours setting up for Sunday and hours tearing down Read more…
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It’s our birthday today!
Today is our five-year anniversary. Wahoo! Just like a mother whose child is five years old, I wonder how it’s possible that our blog is five years old today. How can that be? I’m amazed, blessed, and just a little overwhelmed by the response to this blog. Kids & Divorce set out to educate children’s ministers and to help single parents. Along the Read more…
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Question of the week: Can you help me understand parental alienation?
“We have a couple divorcing in our church. It appears there is a lot of conflict, and lately I’ve heard the term ‘parental alienation’ being thrown around. I’m not sure I understand what this is all about.” The term “parental alienation” first appeared on my radar back in the late seventies. It is a very tough issue to deal with. I’ve had the Read more…
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Can you reach the unlovable child? Yes, and here’s how.
Many children who are unlovable have experienced a crisis such, as the divorce of their parents or the breakup of their cohabiting parents. These children can be standoffish. They hold back and don’t seem to want to get involved in relationships with their leaders at church and school. This makes it difficult to love them and incorporate them into your church family. Connecting Read more…
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Two kinds of “nesting” for kids of divorce
“Nesting” is a term often used by family courts, lawyers, and divorcing parents. It means parents continue to share a residence after divorce for the sake of their children. The parents stay at the family home with the children when it is their scheduled visitation time. The other parent stays someplace else during that time. The thought behind doing this is that staying Read more…
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Got kids in trauma? Got adults with disorders? Might be a connection
In a post last week about, trauma-informed churches, I referenced a study that has tremendous implications for people working with children and adults who experienced early adverse childhood experiences. The Ministry Best Practices website has an incredible article on “Adult disorders linked to trauma” and refers to an infographic with the article “The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Adult Disorders.” This infographic would be great Read more…
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Fracturing and fracking of families
Recently, a church leader expressed to me, “I know people used to think divorce was damaging to kids, but today, divorce is so accepted. Why is divorce an issue for kids? I mean, aren’t about half their friends divorced? So it’s not like they feel all alone any longer.” The leader is partially right—divorce is more widely accepted in our culture. It Read more…
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How to walk away from a power struggle with a child!
Have you ever been leading a group of children, and everything was going great when all of a sudden, you found yourself pulled into a power struggle? Or is there one particular child who constantly argues with you about every little thing? Many times, children of divorce seem to excel in power struggles. 3 reasons some kids want to be in power struggles Read more…