Archive for the ‘Step and blended families’ Category
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Red zones in schools, churches, and homes—when kids don’t feel safe!
Ever heard of the “Red Zone?” Many of us understand that when something enters the red zone, it can prove to be a daunting situation. For example, if your car overheats, and the temperature gauge moves into the red zone, it’s important to check the engine to see what’s going on. Otherwise, the car may overheat or cause a fire, and you Read more…
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When grandparents have custody of the grandchildren – discipline and how the church can help
In the post, “What do I need to know when grandparents assume responsibility for their grandchildren?” I presented the many changes a grandparent must face when providing full-time care for a grandchild or grandchildren when the child’s parents are not able to provide care. Now, I want to discuss the discipline issues many grandparents must face. It can be a daunting task to Read more…
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How will you handle Father’s Day and the child of divorce?
“Can you believe he didn’t even come to his own granddaughter’s graduation?” With fire in her eyes my friend continued with, “He didn’t even bother to call or send a card. What’s wrong with a man like that?” This isn’t the first conversation we have had about her dad. As a grown woman what she really wants to know is, Why didn’t my Read more…
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Single Parents: The Wind Chime that Changed Christmas
For this single-parent family, it was the first Christmas without the other parent. How could a wind chime make a difference? How did a wind chime help this single parent make new traditions during the holidays? As single parents, we need to approach the birth of our Savior during the Christmas holidays. It doesn’t have to be all about presents, stressing over Read more…
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Gaming addiction and kids of divorce
Today’s post is by guest author Linda Alderfer, DC4K director and ministry coach. Why do children’s ministers and DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) leaders need to be aware of gaming addiction? Excessive use of video games can become a trap (an addiction) kids get caught in as they try to escape their emotional turmoil. Experts have found that excessive gaming leads to addiction Read more…
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Reasons Why Children Get Angry During the Holidays
Some single parents face the holidays with excitement and a resolve to make this holiday season the best ever for their children. However, if this is the first year a single parent in your church has faced the holidays, he or she may be approaching the holidays with trepidation. These single parents might not be sure how their children are going to react Read more…
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The Wind Chime That Changed Christmas
For this single-parent family, it was the first Christmas without the other parent. How could a wind chime make a difference? How did a wind chime help this single parent make new traditions during the holidays? It’s important for single parents to approach the birth of our Savior during the Christmas holidays. It doesn’t have to be all about presents, stressing over where Read more…
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Does your church disciple single dads?
We hear a lot in the news about deadbeat single dads. These stories are about single dads who don’t step up to the plate and support their children. Not long ago there was the news story in the New York Times titled, Skip Child Support. Go to Jail. Lose Job. Repeat. I’m not here to debate the political correctness of that situation. I Read more…
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Why do kids of divorce need to tell their stories?
If you read this blog often you have read, “kids need to tell their stories.” Why do I continually say this. Is it really that important for kids to talk about their lives? Is it important to bring up things that are currently happening in their daily lives? Absolutely it is and here’s why. I’ve read several books about adult children of divorce and many Read more…
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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies
Children of divorce have a lot of questions to ask but many times they don’t know whom to ask. If or when they do get up the courage to ask their questions, many are told lies. Or maybe they aren’t really lies but “half-truths.” Children need the truth– not lies or made up stories. I have always advocated that children be told the Read more…
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Give thanks today and tomorrow
Gratitude increases closeness in relationships. “As you parent your children, look for opportunities to take advantage of gratefulness to draw closer to your kids.” Dr. Scott Turansky Wishing all of our friends a happy and safe Thanksgiving
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Be an encourager for the little people this holiday season
When I was growing up, we went to my grandmother’s for holiday events. I remember when our entire family, including all the cousins, came together at Christmas, there were always two eating areas. One was in the kitchen at the kitchen table, and that’s where all the kids or, as my grandfather would say, “the little people” would eat. At the nice dining-room Read more…
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Successful communication tips when talking to children
It’s important to know what not to say, what to say, and how to say it. Recently I published a post about focusing on what you want more of. I got several private messages with questions and what if situations. Much of the people wanted to know more about controlling behaviors by the way you speak. What not to say “Okay?” at the Read more…
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Are you making life difficult for the child of divorce?
Do you make life difficult for the child of divorce? You might be surprised to learn you are doing that. Let me put this another way, do you dress the child of divorce in meaningless “garb”? Many times as adults we make life difficult for children. This is especially true for children of divorce. We try to comfort the child with adult-isms. You Read more…
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Got grouchy kids this week?
What are the two most difficult days out of the entire year for the child of divorce? Want to try and guess what they are? Christmas? Thanksgiving? Valentines Day? Halloween? Birthday? Did you pick any of the above? These are all good guesses and for many children some of these days are difficult. But the two days that cause havoc with the Read more…
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When children have heart attacks
For years children have told me their hearts hurt. When I ask them where it hurts, they will lay their little hands over their hearts and say, “It hurts right here.” You might say these little ones are having heart attacks. We don’t usually think about little children having a heart attack. The kind of “heart attack” I’m talking about is affecting thousands Read more…
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Responses to “What you focus on you get more of”
Recently I published a blog post about the importance of focusing on what we want kids to do and not on what we don’t want them to do. In the article I state, “I focus on how I want the kids to act and how they should behave. I set the expectations and standards early on, like the minute they walk into our Read more…
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What you focus on, you get more of – think discipline!
I facilitate a DC4K, DivorceCare for Kids, group at my church. We have 14 kids registered. Some of the kids are already in step family situations. Some have half siblings. Some live with a grandparent, and all have experienced either a divorce or a separation of their birth parents. We have children from kindergarten through fifth grade in our group. Mixed ages work Read more…
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The legacy impact of divorce on children
Divorce often has a profound lifetime effect on the child of divorce. While not all divorce-related legacies affect every child, most children will have some repercussions from the dissolution of the parent’s marriage. Divorce affects every child differently – even children in the same families. Following are some of the short-term legacies that most children experience. Short-term Intense stress Overwhelming emotions Constant fear Read more…
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5 Misperceptions About Children of Divorce and Their Families
In order to minister to children of divorce, we have to understand them. Unfortunately, many people who minister to these children hold some common misperceptions about children of divorce and their families. They might not realize the extent to which these children are hurting. The following are five misperceptions people have shared with me about children of divorce and their families: “These kids Read more…
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A big problem for our future – 40% of children lack secure attachment
Many infants who live in a stressed single-parent home face attachment issues. The single parent, which could be a mom or a dad, might be in a state of shock and barely surviving. They take the child to childcare, work a full day, pick up the child, and stumble home. Hoping the childcare is giving adequate care, they may feed the child and Read more…
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Divorce – The Post-It Note from childhood
How many of you have ever used post-it notes? Post-it notes are cool plus they serve a purpose. They stick and they stick to almost any substance. I use post it notes to mark songs in books that I need to practice on the piano. When my kids were little I used them in their lunches to remind them they were loved. Sometimes Read more…
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The importance of collections to the child of divorce
All kids like to collect things. Rocks, bugs, jewels, stamps, coins, and other small items become important to children. Sometimes the items are silly, fun things, while other times there might be a purpose to the art of collecting certain items. Some children turn their collections into hobbies. Boys who collect baseball cards and other sports memorabilia are good examples of collecting Read more…
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Are you leaving children at the foot of the cross?
Several years ago, I had a man tell me, “Don’t leave these kids from divorced homes at the foot of the cross!” I wasn’t sure I’d heard what he said, so I asked him to repeat it. Don’t leave these kids of divorce at the foot of the cross! This was very confusing to me. I had to ask what on Read more…
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Do kids ever recover from the divorce of their parents?
Recover might not be an appropriate term to use. When you think of the term recover or look it up, the definition is “to return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.” When you think of kids recovering from the divorce of their parents, you need to understand their lives will never return to their previous state. Things will always be Read more…
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Should you make kids apologize?
I don’t believe in making kids apologize. You may be wondering if you read that correctly. Yes, I said, “I don’t believe in making kids apologize.” Stay with me on this because there are reasons I feel this way. And it is especially true for the child of divorce. Don’t get me wrong—it’s wise to teach children to apologize when they offend Read more…
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Need tips to help a child transition to the other parent’s home for the summer?
Depending on where you live, children will be getting out of school in the next few days and weeks. This means many children will be traveling across the country or town to spend the summer with their other parent. How do children’s pastors and church leaders help these kids have a good send-off? You may want them to understand you will miss Read more…
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The big overwhelming variable that causes kids of divorce anxiety
Many things affect children when parents divorce. However, there is one big, overwhelming variable that causes kids of divorce angst and anxiety—and that is when parents continue to fight and war with each other. Parental conflict affects children for many years to come. When parents continue to fight, that does several things to the children in the family. Many times, kids are Read more…
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Fracturing and fracking of families
Recently, a church leader expressed to me, “I know people used to think divorce was damaging to kids, but today, divorce is so accepted. Why is divorce an issue for kids? I mean, aren’t about half their friends divorced? So it’s not like they feel all alone any longer.” The leader is partially right—divorce is more widely accepted in our culture. It Read more…
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How to walk away from a power struggle with a child!
Have you ever been leading a group of children, and everything was going great when all of a sudden, you found yourself pulled into a power struggle? Or is there one particular child who constantly argues with you about every little thing? Many times, children of divorce seem to excel in power struggles. 3 reasons some kids want to be in power struggles Read more…
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Help bring predictability to the child of divorce
Children of divorce need predictability in their lives. This means it’s very important that children of divorce know they can depend on specific things happening at specific times. They often perceive their lives as out of control and in disarray. Here’s why predictability is important: Predictability lends itself to security. Unlike routines, rituals involve a special feeling of connecting with another human being. Read more…
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Question of the week: What is the emotional glue that helps single parents stay connected to the kids?
“I’ve heard you speak at children’s ministry conferences about rituals and the child of divorce. What I want to know is why rituals are so important for the child of divorce.” Almost all children are ritual-makers. They automatically create rituals when they say hello or goodbye and in many other situations. Rituals help children connect with the people in their lives, whether Read more…
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After divorce: when to tell the kids that mom or dad is dating
Recently, I was asked if I had any research addressing how soon after separation kids should be exposed to the other parent’s new partner. This is a tough question, but if you are in children’s ministry, you might have to deal with it more often than you like. There are so many variables with this question. There are also a lot of articles Read more…
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Where Did He Go?
The teacher looked on as four-year-old Elsa clung to her mom and screamed, Don’t weave me, Mommy. Please don’t weave me. The teacher was confused because little Elsa had always loved coming to her Sunday school class. Mom seemed at a loss as to how to comfort Elsa and get her into the class. The teacher gradually moved into the scene, and with Read more…
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Question of the week: What are the causes of kids being unruly during and after a divorce?
Many things are happening in children’s lives when their parents separate or divorce. Children don’t understand adult problems, and even though a lot of their friends have divorced parents, many children simply don’t know what the word “divorce” means. All they know is their parents were together, and now one parent is packing up to leave. In Divorced Kids by Laurene Johnson Read more…
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Reasons why ministering to hurting children is the richest job on the planet
For those of us who work with hurting children, another year has come and passed, and hopefully, we have made a difference. Those of us who have the honor of ministering to hurting children have richest job on the planet. We get the pleasure of ministering to innocent children who have an innate desire to love the Lord. “I love Jesus with Read more…
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Gratitude changes attitudes in kids
Many children in our world today have bad attitudes. These attitudes affect how parents, teachers, and church leaders treat them. Kids of divorce are no exception. As a result of all they’ve been through, many become bitter and sad. Those dealing with these kids interpret their bitterness and sorrow as attitude problems. If children of divorce don’t learn how to find joy, Read more…
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Question of the Week: When a child of divorce has behavior problems, should I call the parents?
I get asked this question a lot. Usually, it is from a children’s minister or the person overseeing a church event, such as Vacation Bible School. I know immediately if this person has an understanding of children of divorce by whether he does or does not put the “s” on the end of parents. Rarely are children of divorce brought to church by Read more…
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How to help the child of divorce when families blend
When children of divorce are being raised in a two-parent home, most people call these two-parent homes stepfamilies or blended families. Blending two completely different families takes time—and much effort on the part of the parents and children in the new family. And remember, there are two additional “other” parents outside the family trying to blend. Quite often, those of us in children’s ministry Read more…
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Feeling trapped in a blended family
When I was a little kid, we had these fascinating contraptions called Japanese finger traps. I believe they are also called Chinese finger puzzles or Chinese finger cuffs. This novelty toy is a lot of fun for kids. The finger trap is a cylinder-like device. When you put a finger in each end and try to pull your fingers out, the cylinder tightens Read more…
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What should you say when a child asks, “Does my mommy love me?”
If you are a pastor, kid’s minister, or teacher or you minister to children in any other way, someday you might be asked, “Do you think my mommy loves me?” I used to answer this question with a resounding, “Of course, your mommy loves you!” I mean, what kind of mother wouldn’t love her children? As the years have passed, though, and I’ve Read more…
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Summertime and the kids of divorce– how you can help
What do single or divorced parents do with their school-age children when school is out? This is a real dilemma many single parents face. The days are long, kids get bored easily, and events and activities cost more than the budget allows. Single parents often struggle to afford high-quality child care and recreational programs. Many single parents feel guilty over having to work Read more…
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Question of the week: Why do single parents identify life events as ‘before’ or ‘after’ divorce?
Many of the single parents you interact with are divorced. In their minds, and in their interactions with you, they draw a clear line defining life “before my divorce” and “after my divorce.” Is this healthy? Does labeling life “before the divorce” and “after the divorce” keep single parents from moving forward? Does it mean they are still struggling with their divorce and Read more…
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Never discount the power of a praying child
Those of us in children’s ministry have experienced children praying, and we’ve seen the Lord answer those prayers. I’ve heard everything from “Please pray for my cat to come home” to “Please pray for my daddy come back home.” I’ve also heard prayers such as “Tell my brother to stop hitting me” and prayers for other children, “Help Piper get over her cold.” Read more…
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Question of the week: Does your children’s ministry mirror your community? WARNING – you may not like these numbers!
Recently I got a note from a friend of mine who wanted to share some numbers with me. This friend lives is in a typical middle-class neighborhood and teaches at the local public school. I don’t want to cause any problems for her with her job, so I’m not going to post exactly where she lives or the school district where she teachers. Read more…
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Question of the week: Do single parents need family meetings? Should children’s ministers encourage them?
I’ve heard church leaders question the necessity of family meetings for single-parent homes. Some have even asked, “Aren’t these broken homes, so what good would family meetings do?” When it comes to single-parent families, there are some broken homes, and there are emotionally and spiritually healthy homes. Both types can benefit from holding family meetings. 10 reasons to encourage family meetings in single-parent Read more…
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When should the significant other start disciplining the kids?
Many children’s pastors have approached me with questions about when other people in a single parent’s life should discipline the kids. Children’s pastors and other volunteers who deeply care for the kids want what is best for the children in these families. Many times, we hurt for kids when we see a little boy who needs a father figure and a teen girl Read more…
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How poor phone etiquette (or “phubbing”) affects the child of divorce
There she sat at a fast-food restaurant, single mom alone with her daughter. The place was mostly empty. A worker was mopping the floor, and the little girl was fascinated with his chore. Her mom was glued to her cell phone. The little girl’s dinner sat at the table, untouched except for a few french fries she’d poke in her mouth as she Read more…
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Does spring break mean heartache for some kids of divorce?
Hear what kids of divorce have to say about spring break. In my area of the country, it is officially spring break time. By that, I mean all the college kids are coming to our area to enjoy the beaches. Families are flocking to our area to celebrate spring in the warm sunshine. In the news media when you hear about spring break, Read more…
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Adult children of divorce: Time alone won’t heal childhood wounds
Divorce has life long consequences. If a person was young when their parents divorced they have had to face processing several childhood milestones with only one parent. If they were older, such as a teenager, their parent’s divorce may have them questioning their entire value system. Some research shows the younger a person is when the divorce happens, the more times they process Read more…
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How to teach children of divorce about love and marriage, pt. 2
Using Scripture, the plumb line for relationships. After modeling and demonstrating what love is, (part 1) church leadership can help children, teens, and even adult children of divorce understand what a marriage relationship plumb line looks like. Ephesians 5:21–33 is a starting point. Use that passage to help them see that: God wants husbands to love their wives by serving them. (Eph. 5:25, 33) Read more…
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Changing family structures: how they affect your church’s Christmas celebrations
♫♫ “Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat Please put a penny in the old man’s hat If you haven’t got a penny, a ha’penny will do, If you haven’t got a ha’penny then God bless you” ♫♫ This was once a popular Christmas song. It was comprised in the nineteenth century by an unknown author. It was a song that used Read more…
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A middle school teacher asks a tough question about tweens and divorce
A middle school teacher asked me a question that proved to be fairly thought provoking. I wanted to share his question and my thoughts toward his question. His question As a middle school teacher, I always wonder why some students deal very well with divorce, while others don’t? I would never make the assumption that they don’t do well, because many do. On Read more…
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Has non-traditional family become traditional?
Recently at the D6 2015 Conference there was a lot of talk about families. The D6 Conference is about family ministry with those families usually being the two-parent families. This year there was a lot of talk about the non-traditional families. You know those families that don’t fit the traditional mold of a two-parent family. These include the Single parent family Step and Read more…
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Positive traits of kids in single parent homes
Recently I was leading a single parent retreat. At the beginning of the retreat I put up a poster titled, “My Child’s Positives” along with a sharpie attached to the paper. The instructions were at any time during the retreat they could go to the poster and list their children’s positive traits. While this might sound like a simple request for any parenting Read more…
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How infidelity between a parent and a family friend devastates the children
In the post How the Ashley Madison scandal will affect children I shared how that scandal might affect children. But is the impact the same, as when a parent has an extramarital affair with someone the child knows? Is it worse when it is someone the child is close to? Think about it for a moment. It is hard enough when a child Read more…
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Back-to-school tips for the divorcing parent
When a couple divorces, many times they attempt to keep the breakup quiet. Perhaps they are embarrassed– or feel it a private matter. More than likely though, one or both spouse are so overwhelmed with a range of decisions and emotions they are coping with that they don’t think about telling other people. Often, schoolteachers are among the last to know. In a recent study 94% of teachers surveyed Read more…
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Seriously? Kids of divorce can disciple and minister?
Many times when one reads articles or posts about kids of divorce, we read about hurting children. We envision sad children. We think about angry kids. However, we have hundreds of children in our churches that are healing from the devastation of divorce. They have moved past always being sad and angry. These are kids whose one or both parents have kept them Read more…
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Question of the week: What things should divorcing couples not be posting on social media?
Recently Brian Dollar, a Children’s Pastor and blogger, wrote on the subject of posting on Social Media and tweeting. The “T.H.I.N.K. Before You Post/Tweet” had some excellent ideas in it. Brian is also a friend of mine and he has given me permission to use excerpts from his post but really everyone should go to Brian’s site and read the entire post. Here Read more…
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Question of the week: How is child custody decided– and how do I understand custody definitions?
It can be confusing for anyone ministering to the child of divorce and or divorcing parents. Following are questions children’s ministers in particular have asked me. Is there a formula that is used when deciding custody and visitation? Do all states have the same rules when it comes to child custody? What is legal co-parenting? What is shared parenting? What does sole custody Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a child whose single parent moves a lot?
Moving is hard any way you label it. Recently we moved into a new home. Now I’m an adult and I understand in my mind the logistics of moving. I know things must be packed up and carted to the other home I know about packing and unpacking so things don’t get broke I know to be organized so things don’t get out of Read more…
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Question of the week: Do elementary age children “cut” or self-harm?
This might seem like a strange question to many of us especially for people who work with and minister to children. Is it really possible that young children want to self-insure or hurt their own bodies? Most of us have heard about teenagers that cut and self-harm but how many of you have dealt with an elementary age child who is cutting? I Read more…
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Question of the week: How do you help grandparents help a grandchild?
This is a question that comes up quite often when I’m visiting with a children’s minister or a church leader. Many times the grandparent doesn’t actually ask for help but the church leader can sense the grandparent is struggling. First: Begin praying for the grandparent as soon as you realize there is a problem Second: Without being intrusive visit with the grandparent to Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a stepdad who has gotten close to his stepsons and now the wife wants a divorce?
“He has been the only dad these kids have known. He has taken care of them physically, financially, has taken them to school each day and to church every Sunday. He loves them as his own. These boys love him and they are going to be devastated when the divorce happens. The sons don’t know about the divorce. What can I say to Read more…
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Question of the week: Does divorce affect kids in higher-income families?
I have had many children’s ministers and church leaders tell me they don’t have children of divorce in their churches. Sometimes they cite the fact that their church is in middle-class America or in a higher-income area. I assume the rationale for their statement is that couples in higher-income families don’t divorce as much as people in what one would consider lower-income families. Read more…
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Question of the week: Can you help me understand child visitation arrangements?
“I understand the ‘every other weekend’ visitation schedule. I understand a child visiting the other parent on holidays and during the summer. But we have kids in our church whose attendance is so sporadic. We never know when they are going to show up.” “We have custodial parents who say they have custody but they come to us with horrific tales of woe. Read more…
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The importance of replacing “rituals” for the child of divorce
In a previous post we discuss the importance of rituals for the child of divorce. I shared that rituals help children connect to loved ones. It is important that church leaders, volunteers and ministers understand the role rituals play in the lives of children of divorce. When children lose rituals or connections with important people in their lives, they may become attached to Read more…