Archive for the ‘Grandparents’ Category
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When grandparents have custody of the grandchildren – discipline and how the church can help
In the post, “What do I need to know when grandparents assume responsibility for their grandchildren?” I presented the many changes a grandparent must face when providing full-time care for a grandchild or grandchildren when the child’s parents are not able to provide care. Now, I want to discuss the discipline issues many grandparents must face. It can be a daunting task to Read more…
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What do I need to know when grandparents assume responsibility for their grandchildren?
Many grandparents thought they were through parenting only to find they have to parent the second or third generation in their family. Some of these grandparents are retired or ready to retire. They have worked hard to get to a point where they can sit back and enjoy life. Now they find they have to make many adjustments in their home. That sewing Read more…
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Gaming addiction and kids of divorce
Today’s post is by guest author Linda Alderfer, DC4K director and ministry coach. Why do children’s ministers and DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) leaders need to be aware of gaming addiction? Excessive use of video games can become a trap (an addiction) kids get caught in as they try to escape their emotional turmoil. Experts have found that excessive gaming leads to addiction Read more…
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How grandparents can help children of divorce honor their moms on Mother’s Day
With Mother’s Day on the horizon, many churches are planning how to celebrate the mothers in their congregation. In children’s classes around the globe, little kids will be making things to take to their mothers on this special day. There is one group of kids, though, who are conflicted about how to proceed with celebrating their mothers, and that is children of Read more…
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Reasons Why Children Get Angry During the Holidays
Some single parents face the holidays with excitement and a resolve to make this holiday season the best ever for their children. However, if this is the first year a single parent in your church has faced the holidays, he or she may be approaching the holidays with trepidation. These single parents might not be sure how their children are going to react Read more…
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The Wind Chime That Changed Christmas
For this single-parent family, it was the first Christmas without the other parent. How could a wind chime make a difference? How did a wind chime help this single parent make new traditions during the holidays? It’s important for single parents to approach the birth of our Savior during the Christmas holidays. It doesn’t have to be all about presents, stressing over where Read more…
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3 reasons grandparents who parent grandchildren are emotionally exhausted—and how you can help
Grandparents who parent their grandchildren come in all ages, shapes, sizes, and colors. Some are healthy. Others aren’t. Some are financially stable. Others live on a fixed income. Many are married. And many are single. And some are in second and third marriages. But no matter the age, health condition, marital status, or finances, raising grandchildren is emotionally tough. Let’s look at three Read more…
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15 fears and worries single parents face
Recently in our Single and Parenting class we covered the question, “What fears and worries do you have raising your children by yourself?” Our group was quick to share from their hearts. I’ve asked this question many times at workshops and seminars. Here are some answers I’ve garnered over the years How would I keep my kids safe? When my kids lived close Read more…
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Grieving a death vs. grieving a divorce: a child’s perspective
Losing a parent to death or to divorce is catastrophic for any child. However, there are different issues in the grief process between the death of a parent and the end of the parent’s marriage. When a child loses a parent due to death, even young children can understand the concept that the body quit working. All children come across toys or things that Read more…
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Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?
Are you are aware of the many crises children today experience? A trauma-informed church understands how a crisis affects a child. Experiencing a life crisis can lead to some children exhibiting particular characteristics of being “traumatized?” Definitions of crisis and trauma A crisis is an event – a disaster, the emergency, the calamity, or predicament. Trauma is the result of experiencing a crisis Read more…
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He was so angry he couldn’t sit still!
Ever seen a kid so mad about his parent’s separation or divorce that he couldn’t even sit still for a minute? I had a nine year-old boy like this last a few years ago. He started our DC4K group in September and he oozed anger. He literally couldn’t make his body be still. Anger was etched on his face. Anger was in his movements. Read more…
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Have you ever played the Baggage Game?
Have you ever thought about the baggage a child of divorce carries around with them? I’m not talking about the backpacks or suitcases. I’m talking about the heavy stuff, the emotional stuff the things that weigh down their minds and make their hearts heavy. When I’m out doing workshops for children’s ministers and church leaders I like to have the participants play Read more…
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Are hungry hearts listening?
Hungry hearts have no ears. This was a phrase that Ms. Kennedy, an elementary teacher, used to tell the parents of children in her class about the importance of proper nutrition and having enough to eat. After reading a research project that was conducted at the Anthony Elementary School in Leavenworth, Kansas, this above phrase makes more sense to me. The study at Anthony Read more…
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Emotional concussions can be just as lethal, and sometimes even more so, than a physical concussion
Have you ever considered the term emotional concussion? Have you ever thought about what might be involved in an emotional concussion? Emotional concussions occur when young children Live in homes controlled by alcohol, drugs, explosive tempers Live in homes full of stress Live with dysfunctional adults Have exposure to people who are physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abusive Experience the divorce of their parents From Read more…
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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies
Children of divorce have a lot of questions to ask but many times they don’t know whom to ask. If or when they do get up the courage to ask their questions, many are told lies. Or maybe they aren’t really lies but “half-truths.” Children need the truth– not lies or made up stories. I have always advocated that children be told the Read more…
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Successful communication tips when talking to children
It’s important to know what not to say, what to say, and how to say it. Recently I published a post about focusing on what you want more of. I got several private messages with questions and what if situations. Much of the people wanted to know more about controlling behaviors by the way you speak. What not to say “Okay?” at the Read more…
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Are you making life difficult for the child of divorce?
Do you make life difficult for the child of divorce? You might be surprised to learn you are doing that. Let me put this another way, do you dress the child of divorce in meaningless “garb”? Many times as adults we make life difficult for children. This is especially true for children of divorce. We try to comfort the child with adult-isms. You Read more…
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A big problem for our future – 40% of children lack secure attachment
Many infants who live in a stressed single-parent home face attachment issues. The single parent, which could be a mom or a dad, might be in a state of shock and barely surviving. They take the child to childcare, work a full day, pick up the child, and stumble home. Hoping the childcare is giving adequate care, they may feed the child and Read more…
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Champions, cheerleaders, and mentors – oh my! How they can change a child’s life
Recently, I read the book Cheering for the Children by Casey Gwinn. This is an amazing book, and while not written for church leaders or children’s ministers, it is a worthwhile read to anyone ministering to children, especially those who have experienced early trauma, including the divorce of their parents. Gwinn is a man who understands that children hurt by those they love Read more…
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Help bring predictability to the child of divorce
Children of divorce need predictability in their lives. This means it’s very important that children of divorce know they can depend on specific things happening at specific times. They often perceive their lives as out of control and in disarray. Here’s why predictability is important: Predictability lends itself to security. Unlike routines, rituals involve a special feeling of connecting with another human being. Read more…
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A child carries the treasures of his life hidden in his pocket
When children lose connections with important people in their lives, they may become attached to their “things.” Things and possessions bring a sense of comfort, control, and order to children’s lives. These things become substitutes for deep connections with parents and other loved ones. They replace many of the rituals they held important before life changed. I had the privilege of knowing one Read more…
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Question of the week: What is the emotional glue that helps single parents stay connected to the kids?
“I’ve heard you speak at children’s ministry conferences about rituals and the child of divorce. What I want to know is why rituals are so important for the child of divorce.” Almost all children are ritual-makers. They automatically create rituals when they say hello or goodbye and in many other situations. Rituals help children connect with the people in their lives, whether Read more…
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Question of the week: Why do you have so much compassion for troubled and disruptive kids?
I It is really very simple—children do to others what has been done to them. Or they are hurting, little children, and their behavior is their voice screaming for help. In DC4K, or DivorceCare for Kids, we see children calming down and bringing their behavior under control when They learn they have a voice. They put a name to their feelings. Someone Read more…
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What would you do with this screaming child?
Recently, a grandmother who has been the primary caregiver for her toddler grandchild contacted me. One evening, her grandchild was returned after spending time with other relatives. When he came in, he rushed over and hugged her, which was his normal ritual. He then looked around her home and began to scream. She proceeded with her normal routine of getting him settled into Read more…
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Where Did He Go?
The teacher looked on as four-year-old Elsa clung to her mom and screamed, Don’t weave me, Mommy. Please don’t weave me. The teacher was confused because little Elsa had always loved coming to her Sunday school class. Mom seemed at a loss as to how to comfort Elsa and get her into the class. The teacher gradually moved into the scene, and with Read more…
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Reasons why ministering to hurting children is the richest job on the planet
For those of us who work with hurting children, another year has come and passed, and hopefully, we have made a difference. Those of us who have the honor of ministering to hurting children have richest job on the planet. We get the pleasure of ministering to innocent children who have an innate desire to love the Lord. “I love Jesus with Read more…
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Need more helpers in children’s ministry?
Finding volunteers to work in children’s ministry can be daunting, to say the least. I remember years ago when I was a children’s ministry director, finding helpers was the hardest part of my job. I would imagine it is ever harder in our fast-paced world today. When you have children of divorce in your ministries who might be out of control or have Read more…
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One simple technique that changes how you discipline kids of divorce, the Safekeeper concept!
Ever heard the phrase “practice makes perfect”? It may be an old, familiar saying, but it is incorrect. It makes no difference how many times you practice something the wrong way; it will still be wrong. Instead, “perfect practice makes perfect.” Allow me to explain how practicing something will help you discipline children of divorce. Many times when working with an out-of-control Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a single parent with a young child who screams when being left on Sunday mornings?
Helping the single parent of a young child can be difficult when there is upheaval going on in the home. A children’s minister friend experienced this to me and sent me the following scenario. The mom was bringing her young son to church, but the little boy didn’t want to stay. “We’ve assigned one person to accept this little boy, and even if Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain, Part 4: Essential “drugs” to use when ministering to the child of divorce and trauma
I realize many of you want no part of using drugs with kids whose parents have divorced or children who have experienced some sort of trauma. However, the drugs or chemicals I’m introducing here today will help you and make your ministry more effective when you use them. They are all natural, legal, and free. These four drugs have the ability to Affect Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I answer questions from a parent who is in the middle of divorce conflict?
It’s Sunday morning crunch time, and you get an almost unanswerable question from a divorcing parent. More than likely, his kids are out of control due to the divorce, and he desperately needs help. How do you respond to such questions? One children’s minister asked for help in just such a scenario: “Give me a few short phrases that I can remember and Read more…
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Never discount the power of a praying child
Those of us in children’s ministry have experienced children praying, and we’ve seen the Lord answer those prayers. I’ve heard everything from “Please pray for my cat to come home” to “Please pray for my daddy come back home.” I’ve also heard prayers such as “Tell my brother to stop hitting me” and prayers for other children, “Help Piper get over her cold.” Read more…
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Question of the week: Do single parents need family meetings? Should children’s ministers encourage them?
I’ve heard church leaders question the necessity of family meetings for single-parent homes. Some have even asked, “Aren’t these broken homes, so what good would family meetings do?” When it comes to single-parent families, there are some broken homes, and there are emotionally and spiritually healthy homes. Both types can benefit from holding family meetings. 10 reasons to encourage family meetings in single-parent Read more…
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Who gets custody of Grandpa?
Even though divorce isn’t as rampant as it was back in the seventies and eighties, children now face a new divorce dilemma, which can affect them in deep and profound ways. What dilemma am I talking about? I’m talking about when grandparents divorce. Steve Grissom says in the Gray Divorce Crisis that the largest group of people divorcing is the Baby Boomers, Read more…
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Sleep deprivation can cause behavior problems in kids of divorce
Few people realize that many children of divorce are not getting enough sleep. When you think about it, it does make sense. Children naturally do better in an environment that feels safe, has a schedule along with consistent routines. Dad or mom moves out of the home and nothing is consistent any longer. Many children no longer feel safe and so sleep Read more…
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How you can help grandparents face financial issues when parenting grandchildren
In a previous article we talked about how to help grandparents prepare their home for grandkids who come to stay. This post will discuss the financial issues these grandparent face when the grandkids come to live with them and how you, the church, can help these families. There are many reasons grandkids come to live with grandparents. Some of these situations include Read more…
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How to reach out to the single parents in your church – even when you don’t have the time
You are already REALLY busy with your children’s ministry responsibilities (not to mention your life outside church). How you could possibly contribute to lives of the single parents in your church when you may be feeling overwhelmed yourself? It’s not as hard as you think. You don’t have to do it alone. Pray about what God wants from you. Maybe He wants Read more…
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How to help grandparents prepare their home for grandkids who come to stay
Most of us think of grandparents as the special people who spoil the grandkids, fill them full of candy, and then send them home for mommy and daddy to deal with when they are all hyped up on sugar. In our day and age, however, many grandparents don’t have the luxury of being those special people who fill the kids up on Read more…
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The dos and don’ts about divorce, grandparents, & grandkids and how you can help
They arrive at your church clutching their grandparents’ hands. These are the children whose parents are at war with each other. The grandparents are sensitive to the needs of the grandchildren, even if the parents might not be. Or it could be that the newly divorced parent is simply overwhelmed, and the grandparents are standing in the gap by bringing their grandchildren to Read more…
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Does spring break mean heartache for some kids of divorce?
Hear what kids of divorce have to say about spring break. In my area of the country, it is officially spring break time. By that, I mean all the college kids are coming to our area to enjoy the beaches. Families are flocking to our area to celebrate spring in the warm sunshine. In the news media when you hear about spring break, Read more…
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“Mommy says Daddy has a girlfriend”
How to respond when a child discloses a shocker. Families are rapidly changing in our world today. Fewer than half the children under eighteen years of age live in a home with the two married birth parents. Many of these two-parent birth families as well as other kinds of families experience dysfunction with moral and worldly issues. The children in these situations Read more…
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Adult children of divorce: Time alone won’t heal childhood wounds
Divorce has life long consequences. If a person was young when their parents divorced they have had to face processing several childhood milestones with only one parent. If they were older, such as a teenager, their parent’s divorce may have them questioning their entire value system. Some research shows the younger a person is when the divorce happens, the more times they process Read more…
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Better understanding = better outcomes for children of divorce
How does a church, which focuses on traditional family ministry, minister to the child in fractured families, the child that has experienced trauma and the child of divorce? These are questions some churches seem to be wrestling with as they try to define exactly what family ministry looks like. Divorcing families have indeed changed the landscape of what families look like within the Read more…
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Why should we have compassion for troubled and disruptive kids?
It is really very simple – a child does to others what has been done to them. Or they are hurting little children and their behavior is their voice screaming for help. Another reason is they need someone to love them and give them the caring and loving attention little children need. Children aren’t born mean. There may be some predispositions such as Read more…
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Changing family structures: how they affect your church’s Christmas celebrations
♫♫ “Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat Please put a penny in the old man’s hat If you haven’t got a penny, a ha’penny will do, If you haven’t got a ha’penny then God bless you” ♫♫ This was once a popular Christmas song. It was comprised in the nineteenth century by an unknown author. It was a song that used Read more…
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How Divorce Affects Preschool Age Children
As a three to five year old child it is hard to understand what is happening when one parent moves out of the home. Parents may have told the child they were getting a divorce and daddy (or mommy) was moving out but a child has no concept of what this means or what the word divorce means. This leaves the child in Read more…
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How Divorce Affects Children
To a child, the divorce of their parents can be likened to a tsunami that strikes their lives and leaves destruction and havoc in its wake. Nothing is ever the same again. The divorce will affect the child for many years to come. Divorce impacts future generations within the family • In some families divorce is cyclical. • Children lose access to grandparents Read more…
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The power of encouragement to the child of divorce
Have you ever thought about the power of encouragement? Most of us try to encourage children that come to our church. We do this because We want to build confidence within the child. We want to promote a relationship with the child so we can help them eventually foster a relationship with Jesus Christ. We want to stimulate them spiritually so they will Read more…
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Back-to-school tips for the divorcing parent
When a couple divorces, many times they attempt to keep the breakup quiet. Perhaps they are embarrassed– or feel it a private matter. More than likely though, one or both spouse are so overwhelmed with a range of decisions and emotions they are coping with that they don’t think about telling other people. Often, schoolteachers are among the last to know. In a recent study 94% of teachers surveyed Read more…
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What happens when you have the “warm fuzzies” for challenging children
Take a moment to think of someone you care about or someone that has impacted your life in a positive way. There are a lot of people that have impacted my life especially in ministry. When I think of one lady in particular and how she has blessed me down through the years I get the “warm fuzzies”. You know that feeling where Read more…
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Is it possible to stop generational divorce?
Are you aware divorce in a family can be generational? What do I mean by that? Let me give you an example. Grandma and Grandpa Smith divorce early in their marriage. Most generally the mother rears the children in a single parent family. Or she marries quickly and that marriage ends in divorce. The children grow up, get married and they end up Read more…
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How grandparents can help their grandchildren when mommy and daddy get a divorce
Grandparents can have a profound impact on the lives of grandchildren living through the divorce of their parents. First thing grandparents need to realize is many of these grandchildren are experiencing a trauma in their lives. Divorce is traumatic and many of these children need someone outside the home to help them process all that is happening in their lives. Without help, these Read more…
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How a 15 year survives his great aunt!
In the previous post I shared the boundaries and conditions of my 15 year-old great nephew living in my home. In this post I’d like to share with you the outcome of him becoming part of my family. If you are church leaders or you work with children who might be living with grandparents or other relatives, please share this post with them. Read more…
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Yikes! The day a 15 year old came to live with me
It was my great nephew and he was in a lot of trouble. I think he thought I’d be a push over. I mean in his eyes I was his great aunt, gray and old! Boy did life ever change for that boy! I may have been his great aunt, gray and old but the lights hadn’t gone out yet. Plus I had Read more…
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Question of the week: Do elementary age children “cut” or self-harm?
This might seem like a strange question to many of us especially for people who work with and minister to children. Is it really possible that young children want to self-insure or hurt their own bodies? Most of us have heard about teenagers that cut and self-harm but how many of you have dealt with an elementary age child who is cutting? I Read more…
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Question of the week: How do you help grandparents help a grandchild?
This is a question that comes up quite often when I’m visiting with a children’s minister or a church leader. Many times the grandparent doesn’t actually ask for help but the church leader can sense the grandparent is struggling. First: Begin praying for the grandparent as soon as you realize there is a problem Second: Without being intrusive visit with the grandparent to Read more…
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Question of the week: What are the effects of divorce on low-income families?
Recently I posted an article about how divorce affects children in high-income families. In many areas they fare worse than children in low-income families. However, children in low-income families have their issues too. Divorce tends to be cyclical in many families. Low-income families have been experiencing divorce longer than high-income families. Many of these adult children of divorce from low-income families are no Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a stepdad who has gotten close to his stepsons and now the wife wants a divorce?
“He has been the only dad these kids have known. He has taken care of them physically, financially, has taken them to school each day and to church every Sunday. He loves them as his own. These boys love him and they are going to be devastated when the divorce happens. The sons don’t know about the divorce. What can I say to Read more…
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Question of the week: How do older adults divorcing affect children’s ministry?
A couple of years ago we began to hear about a relatively new occurrence—the gray divorce. The gray divorce is when mature and/or senior adults divorce. There are said to be several reasons for this phenomenon. You can read about them here. With the older adults divorcing, several things are going to affect churches and in particular children’s ministries. A children’s minister emailed Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help grandparents deal with their child’s divorce?
“In our church we are having more and more grandparents coming to us wanting to visit about their adult child’s divorce. They seem to be mainly concerned about how to help their grandchildren. I’m pretty much clueless about what to say or how to help these senior adults.” There are a lot of issues a grandparent faces with the divorce of an adult child. Read more…