Archive for the ‘Emotions’ Category
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Here is a zinger cheat sheet for single parents
Leaders: Print this page and share it with the single parents connected to your ministry. Imagine tools that will help single parents eliminate the need for yelling, screaming or threatening their kids when conflicts arise. Single parenting is never easy, but I’ve developed a cheat sheet that has simple but effective tips that will help single parents navigate the flash points that inevitably arise when Read more…
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Creative tips to use when living with or ministering to a traumatized child
In another blog, “Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?” I presented how children might act when exposed to various crises. Today let’s look at what we can do when ministering to, living with, or working with a child that has been traumatized. What to do When dealing with unruly children change from thinking or asking, “What’s wrong with you?” to Read more…
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How to help single parents de-stress their children
In another post, we talked about using nature at church to help de-stress children of divorce. It’s a lonely world out there when you’re parenting alone, and your kid gets stressed out by something you have no control over. It is good to have a few suggestions on hand to help single parents. When I was a single parent, my kids and Read more…
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A call for help: Suicide in children
This is the second in the series on children and suicide. The first post asked the question, “Do elementary age children seriously consider dying by suicide?” It is important to understand all you can about suicide in young children so you can better parent, teach and minister to the potentially vulnerable child in your life. This post gives you a deeper understanding of Read more…
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Single Parents: What are the 3 S’s that can trigger unexpected emotions and memories at Christmas?
Just thinking about walking into my mom’s kitchen brings back fond memories. The aroma of homemade candies and pies flood my mind. The sight of her Christmas tree with the tiny little red bell that had been in my family since before I was born comes to my mind. Any time I smell cinnamon, it takes me back to Christmases past when Read more…
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Gaming addiction and kids of divorce
Today’s post is by guest author Linda Alderfer, DC4K director and ministry coach. Why do children’s ministers and DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) leaders need to be aware of gaming addiction? Excessive use of video games can become a trap (an addiction) kids get caught in as they try to escape their emotional turmoil. Experts have found that excessive gaming leads to addiction Read more…
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Why kids of divorce don’t feel safe and what you can do about it
Here is where many of us go wrong, we expect the child of divorce, who is caught up in an emotional train wreck, to function like any other kid. Doing school work, memorizing Scripture, answering questions about stories, and behaving appropriately may be almost impossible for children of divorce. Why? Their bodies are poised to respond to outside stimuli and interactions with fear. Read more…
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Reasons Why Children Get Angry During the Holidays
Some single parents face the holidays with excitement and a resolve to make this holiday season the best ever for their children. However, if this is the first year a single parent in your church has faced the holidays, he or she may be approaching the holidays with trepidation. These single parents might not be sure how their children are going to react Read more…
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What are the 3 S’s that can trigger unexpected emotions and memories at Christmas?
Just thinking about walking into my mom’s kitchen brings back fond memories. The aroma of homemade candies and pies flood my mind. The sight of her Christmas tree with the tiny little red bell that had been in my family since before I was born comes to my mind. Any time I smell cinnamon, it takes me back to Christmases past of Read more…
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Murdered Single Mom
Six years ago, at about 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve, a seventeen-year-old young man murdered his single mom in the Florida community where I live. They had been having an altercation, and at some point, the young man grabbed a baseball bat, beat his mom, and stabbed her numerous times with kitchen knives. From all accounts, the young man appeared to be a Read more…
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3 reasons grandparents who parent grandchildren are emotionally exhausted—and how you can help
Grandparents who parent their grandchildren come in all ages, shapes, sizes, and colors. Some are healthy. Others aren’t. Some are financially stable. Others live on a fixed income. Many are married. And many are single. And some are in second and third marriages. But no matter the age, health condition, marital status, or finances, raising grandchildren is emotionally tough. Let’s look at three Read more…
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Grieving a death vs. grieving a divorce: a child’s perspective
Losing a parent to death or to divorce is catastrophic for any child. However, there are different issues in the grief process between the death of a parent and the end of the parent’s marriage. When a child loses a parent due to death, even young children can understand the concept that the body quit working. All children come across toys or things that Read more…
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Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?
Are you are aware of the many crises children today experience? A trauma-informed church understands how a crisis affects a child. Experiencing a life crisis can lead to some children exhibiting particular characteristics of being “traumatized?” Definitions of crisis and trauma A crisis is an event – a disaster, the emergency, the calamity, or predicament. Trauma is the result of experiencing a crisis Read more…
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Why kids won’t tell their stories
Recently I posted an article about why kids need to tell their stories. It is very important for kids to talk and tell stories about the breakup of their family. Unfortunately, there are several reasons why they won’t attempt to talk and share what is happening to them. Did you notice I said, “Won’t attempt to talk?” Some kids become mute when they are with Read more…
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Why do kids of divorce need to tell their stories?
If you read this blog often you have read, “kids need to tell their stories.” Why do I continually say this. Is it really that important for kids to talk about their lives? Is it important to bring up things that are currently happening in their daily lives? Absolutely it is and here’s why. I’ve read several books about adult children of divorce and many Read more…
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Happy birthday to our favorite little fella – Herby
Today is Herby’s birthday. He is on spring break and sunning on the beach. 🙂 Some of you may not know Herby. Allow me to introduce you to him. Herby is the mascot of sorts for the DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) program. Children all over the world are enjoying the feelings that Herby’s puppet faces express. They are getting acquainted with their own Read more…
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He was so angry he couldn’t sit still!
Ever seen a kid so mad about his parent’s separation or divorce that he couldn’t even sit still for a minute? I had a nine year-old boy like this last a few years ago. He started our DC4K group in September and he oozed anger. He literally couldn’t make his body be still. Anger was etched on his face. Anger was in his movements. Read more…
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Why are behavior problems compounded when there is a divorce?
I get asked this questions all the time: “Why do behavior problems escalate when there is a divorce.” Having divorcing parens creates a lot of confusion in many children, not all children but in many children. To a little kid there are crazy things start happening when parents separate or divorce. The child doesn’t understand adult problems and even though a lot of Read more…
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Are hungry hearts listening?
Hungry hearts have no ears. This was a phrase that Ms. Kennedy, an elementary teacher, used to tell the parents of children in her class about the importance of proper nutrition and having enough to eat. After reading a research project that was conducted at the Anthony Elementary School in Leavenworth, Kansas, this above phrase makes more sense to me. The study at Anthony Read more…
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Emotional concussions can be just as lethal, and sometimes even more so, than a physical concussion
Have you ever considered the term emotional concussion? Have you ever thought about what might be involved in an emotional concussion? Emotional concussions occur when young children Live in homes controlled by alcohol, drugs, explosive tempers Live in homes full of stress Live with dysfunctional adults Have exposure to people who are physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abusive Experience the divorce of their parents From Read more…
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Here is 1 simple tip to help kids of divorce cope over the holidays
In your ministry, it’s likely that you have observed single parents and kids who develop a lot of anxiety about the process of shuttling the children between homes. This stress will be amplified during the holiday season. The switching hour, the time the kids switch between homes, can become less stressful if single parents work at making it normal. I’d like to give you Read more…
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Why we shouldn’t try and “happy up” children who are hurting at Christmas
I want to take you inside the mind and heart of a child whose parents are separated or recently divorced. I’d like to help you to understand what Christmas will look like for them. It’s a stark contrast to the Christmas most of you will enjoy. We reflect on the Christ child at Christmas most of us feel joy and wonder. We get Read more…
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What are the 3 S’s that can trigger unexpected emotions and memories at Christmas?
Just thinking about walking into my mom’s kitchen brings back fond memories. The aroma of homemade candies and pies flood my mind. The sight of her Christmas tree with the tiny little red bell that had been in my family since before I was born comes to my mind. Any time I smell cinnamon, it takes me back to Christmases past of Read more…
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How silence shatters dreams for the child of divorce
Every child has dreams and when parents divorce or break up, silence from the adults in their lives can tend to destroy the dreams in a normal child centered environment. All children are self-centered. That’s how God made us – to depend on our parents and other adults. However, when there is a crisis such as a divorce, kids need people to talk Read more…
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The child of divorce benefits from an attitude of gratitude
Is there really any good that comes out of being thankful? Does being thankful actually change a person’s attitude? There is a lot of brain research that shows this to be true. Plus, God’s Word tells us to be thankful. First Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Children Read more…
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Successful communication tips when talking to children
It’s important to know what not to say, what to say, and how to say it. Recently I published a post about focusing on what you want more of. I got several private messages with questions and what if situations. Much of the people wanted to know more about controlling behaviors by the way you speak. What not to say “Okay?” at the Read more…
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Are you making life difficult for the child of divorce?
Do you make life difficult for the child of divorce? You might be surprised to learn you are doing that. Let me put this another way, do you dress the child of divorce in meaningless “garb”? Many times as adults we make life difficult for children. This is especially true for children of divorce. We try to comfort the child with adult-isms. You Read more…
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Got grouchy kids this week?
What are the two most difficult days out of the entire year for the child of divorce? Want to try and guess what they are? Christmas? Thanksgiving? Valentines Day? Halloween? Birthday? Did you pick any of the above? These are all good guesses and for many children some of these days are difficult. But the two days that cause havoc with the Read more…
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When children have heart attacks
For years children have told me their hearts hurt. When I ask them where it hurts, they will lay their little hands over their hearts and say, “It hurts right here.” You might say these little ones are having heart attacks. We don’t usually think about little children having a heart attack. The kind of “heart attack” I’m talking about is affecting thousands Read more…
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What you focus on, you get more of – think discipline!
I facilitate a DC4K, DivorceCare for Kids, group at my church. We have 14 kids registered. Some of the kids are already in step family situations. Some have half siblings. Some live with a grandparent, and all have experienced either a divorce or a separation of their birth parents. We have children from kindergarten through fifth grade in our group. Mixed ages work Read more…
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Kids of divorce need predictability. How do you give them that?
Today, we continue our exploration about the importance of “rituals” for the child of divorce. This post will focus on the need for predictability in the lives of children of divorce. It’s very important that the child of divorce knows they can depend on specific things happening at specific times. They often have the perception that their lives are out of control and in disarray. Read more…
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“I hate Divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel
For some church leaders and children’s workers it may be hard to truly understand what happens with a child of divorce inside the child’s head, within the heart, and under the skin Plainly stated, children lose their family. They lose a mom and dad living together as a unit. While this may seem like it is a simple statement, it has monumental outcomes Read more…
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Divorce – The Post-It Note from childhood
How many of you have ever used post-it notes? Post-it notes are cool plus they serve a purpose. They stick and they stick to almost any substance. I use post it notes to mark songs in books that I need to practice on the piano. When my kids were little I used them in their lunches to remind them they were loved. Sometimes Read more…
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Kids in trauma and heart-felt connections
Have you ever had a child who has experienced a crisis or trauma get attached to you? I’ve had children who I knew were connected to me emotionally. However, I had no idea of the depth of these connections. For the child of divorce and other life-changing traumas, it is a different kind of connection. They become attached not only to you but Read more…
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What a difference a smile makes!
When my grandson was three years old I moved into my daughter’s house and lived there for a year while she was deployed to Afghanistan. I noticed right away, the three year-old smiled all the time. This little kid was one happy little guy. He even smiled most of the time when he was in trouble. His smile and happiness rarely got him Read more…
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Why do kids of divorce ask, “Who am I?”
Imagine looking like your father and being proud of that fact. Perhaps at some point in your young life your grandmother proudly said to her friends, “This is Sonny’s boy. Doesn’t he look just like Sonny?” And all of her friends proclaim that yes you were the spitting image of your father and you even look a lot like your grandfather. A smile Read more…
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Why children of divorce feel helpless – and how “choices” can help
One of the tragedies of divorce for children is the feeling of helplessness. Many adults who experienced their parents’ divorce report that, as children, they felt powerless and vulnerable. For the children it seems as though everything is out of control. Changing routines People moving out Things and belongings disappearing People disappearing such as neighbors if there is a move And this is Read more…
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Question of the week: How do you discuss the subject of forgiveness with children of divorce?
Forgiveness can be a difficult, sometimes impossible subject to explain when interacting with children who have separated or divorced parents. Some children may have never had forgiveness modeled for them. Others have heard a parent scream sarcastically, such as, “I’m sorry you made me hit you.” These kids have no clue what you are talking about when you say the word “forgiveness.” Read more…
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How puppies can help you understand little kids in divorced homes
About three years ago, we got a cute, little puppy. She was from a rescue organization, and she was not quite twelve weeks when we brought her home. She was a just a little mutt but still cute nonetheless. She was all white, fluffy, and just the sweetest, little thing. Oh, how I fell in love with her. She wasn’t without trials, Read more…
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Champions, cheerleaders, and mentors – oh my! How they can change a child’s life
Recently, I read the book Cheering for the Children by Casey Gwinn. This is an amazing book, and while not written for church leaders or children’s ministers, it is a worthwhile read to anyone ministering to children, especially those who have experienced early trauma, including the divorce of their parents. Gwinn is a man who understands that children hurt by those they love Read more…
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Do kids ever recover from the divorce of their parents?
Recover might not be an appropriate term to use. When you think of the term recover or look it up, the definition is “to return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.” When you think of kids recovering from the divorce of their parents, you need to understand their lives will never return to their previous state. Things will always be Read more…
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Children caught in the middle
Allow me to share this story I think will help you understand how hard it sometimes is to move forward in life. One spring day, I was walking in my neighborhood. As I rounded the curve, I noticed a little girl who looked to be about five years old playing outside while her mom worked in the yard. When I came back Read more…
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Things I wish my teachers at church knew….
Several years ago, a lot of attention on social media was given to a teacher, Kyle Schwartz. She didn’t know much about the students in her class, so she set out to find out about them by asking, “I wish my teacher knew … .” She instructed the students to write their responses. The results from that one simple question astounded her. One Read more…
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Should you make kids apologize?
I don’t believe in making kids apologize. You may be wondering if you read that correctly. Yes, I said, “I don’t believe in making kids apologize.” Stay with me on this because there are reasons I feel this way. And it is especially true for the child of divorce. Don’t get me wrong—it’s wise to teach children to apologize when they offend Read more…
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Timely tips to help kids of divorce love summer camp
Many churches host camps during the summer months. Some are day camps children attend only during the day. Other are overnight camps. Summer camps can be wonderful experiences for children. A lot of children from two-parent homes wait excitedly to attend these fun, awesome camps. Not so much for many children in single-parent homes. Summer camps can become sticky and messy for Read more…
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“Wook at ME mommy”
“Wook at me. I doing it” is really cute when a little toddler has learned to accomplish a feat, such as slipping on a jacket. We might smile and say something like, “Well, look at you! You put your jacket on. You did it.” Kids of all ages want to be noticed. Even as adults, most of us like to be noticed Read more…
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8 fun and easy tips to help children release stress and get rid of anger
Many children of divorce will experience tremendous stress. These children may express their stress through angry behavior. When a child is stressed and living in the survival mode or the fight or flight part of the brain they are incapable of learning, processing information or functioning in a reasonable manner. It becomes all about surviving in the moment. When you can get Read more…
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The big overwhelming variable that causes kids of divorce anxiety
Many things affect children when parents divorce. However, there is one big, overwhelming variable that causes kids of divorce angst and anxiety—and that is when parents continue to fight and war with each other. Parental conflict affects children for many years to come. When parents continue to fight, that does several things to the children in the family. Many times, kids are Read more…
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Question of the week: Which Bible passage will help me with the challenges of ministering to the child of divorce?
Recently, I was visiting with a children’s minister. She was overwhelmed with some children in her church who were experiencing the divorce of their parents. Some were displaying exasperating, out-of-control behaviors. She sounded like she was about ready to throw in the towel and walk away. We recognize this as burnout. We all get that way sometimes. You know what I’m talking Read more…
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Two kinds of “nesting” for kids of divorce
“Nesting” is a term often used by family courts, lawyers, and divorcing parents. It means parents continue to share a residence after divorce for the sake of their children. The parents stay at the family home with the children when it is their scheduled visitation time. The other parent stays someplace else during that time. The thought behind doing this is that staying Read more…
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Got kids in trauma? Got adults with disorders? Might be a connection
In a post last week about, trauma-informed churches, I referenced a study that has tremendous implications for people working with children and adults who experienced early adverse childhood experiences. The Ministry Best Practices website has an incredible article on “Adult disorders linked to trauma” and refers to an infographic with the article “The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Adult Disorders.” This infographic would be great Read more…
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How to walk away from a power struggle with a child!
Have you ever been leading a group of children, and everything was going great when all of a sudden, you found yourself pulled into a power struggle? Or is there one particular child who constantly argues with you about every little thing? Many times, children of divorce seem to excel in power struggles. 3 reasons some kids want to be in power struggles Read more…
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Help bring predictability to the child of divorce
Children of divorce need predictability in their lives. This means it’s very important that children of divorce know they can depend on specific things happening at specific times. They often perceive their lives as out of control and in disarray. Here’s why predictability is important: Predictability lends itself to security. Unlike routines, rituals involve a special feeling of connecting with another human being. Read more…
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A child carries the treasures of his life hidden in his pocket
When children lose connections with important people in their lives, they may become attached to their “things.” Things and possessions bring a sense of comfort, control, and order to children’s lives. These things become substitutes for deep connections with parents and other loved ones. They replace many of the rituals they held important before life changed. I had the privilege of knowing one Read more…
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Question of the week: What is the emotional glue that helps single parents stay connected to the kids?
“I’ve heard you speak at children’s ministry conferences about rituals and the child of divorce. What I want to know is why rituals are so important for the child of divorce.” Almost all children are ritual-makers. They automatically create rituals when they say hello or goodbye and in many other situations. Rituals help children connect with the people in their lives, whether Read more…
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How do you meet a child’s emotional quota?
Many of us in children’s ministry have worried about children of divorce and whether their emotional needs are being met. Often, we ask, How do they cope with living in two homes? How do they get their emotional needs met when their parents are stressed to the max or still fighting and warring over their “things”? Children in divorced homes may need more Read more…
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Question of the week: Why do you have so much compassion for troubled and disruptive kids?
I It is really very simple—children do to others what has been done to them. Or they are hurting, little children, and their behavior is their voice screaming for help. In DC4K, or DivorceCare for Kids, we see children calming down and bringing their behavior under control when They learn they have a voice. They put a name to their feelings. Someone Read more…
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Children of divorce need YOU to help them manage their behaviors
Children of divorce face many struggles on a daily basis. Because of these adversities, some children of divorce have out-of-control behaviors. It’s not because they want to misbehave or like misbehaving; it is because they are doing the best they can in their state of confusion. Many children of divorce who misbehave are actually seeking external regulation or management. In other words, Read more…
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Question of the week: What will you say when a little child says to you, “I can’t feel God today?”
Many times down through the years, I’ve had children ask questions about God. When children’s parents are going through a divorce, surprisingly, many young children don’t question God’s existence. They question why God doesn’t stop the divorce or make Mommy come back home. Many children play the “what if” game: What if I had taken the trash out when Dad told me Read more…
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Where Did He Go?
The teacher looked on as four-year-old Elsa clung to her mom and screamed, Don’t weave me, Mommy. Please don’t weave me. The teacher was confused because little Elsa had always loved coming to her Sunday school class. Mom seemed at a loss as to how to comfort Elsa and get her into the class. The teacher gradually moved into the scene, and with Read more…
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Question of the week: What are the causes of kids being unruly during and after a divorce?
Many things are happening in children’s lives when their parents separate or divorce. Children don’t understand adult problems, and even though a lot of their friends have divorced parents, many children simply don’t know what the word “divorce” means. All they know is their parents were together, and now one parent is packing up to leave. In Divorced Kids by Laurene Johnson Read more…
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Reasons why ministering to hurting children is the richest job on the planet
For those of us who work with hurting children, another year has come and passed, and hopefully, we have made a difference. Those of us who have the honor of ministering to hurting children have richest job on the planet. We get the pleasure of ministering to innocent children who have an innate desire to love the Lord. “I love Jesus with Read more…
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Gratitude changes attitudes in kids
Many children in our world today have bad attitudes. These attitudes affect how parents, teachers, and church leaders treat them. Kids of divorce are no exception. As a result of all they’ve been through, many become bitter and sad. Those dealing with these kids interpret their bitterness and sorrow as attitude problems. If children of divorce don’t learn how to find joy, Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a mom whose child has been physically abused?
“We were all so excited when one of our single moms married a man in our church. Little did we know this guy had a history of abuse. One of her little kids was hurt pretty badly by this guy. The state got involved, and she and her children are safe now, but the one who was abused the most has started to Read more…
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Feeling trapped in a blended family
When I was a little kid, we had these fascinating contraptions called Japanese finger traps. I believe they are also called Chinese finger puzzles or Chinese finger cuffs. This novelty toy is a lot of fun for kids. The finger trap is a cylinder-like device. When you put a finger in each end and try to pull your fingers out, the cylinder tightens Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain in kids of divorce Part 7: The heart and head
We’ve discussed a lot about the incredible, amazing brain these past few weeks. Now, I’d like to pull it all together to help you think through how to use brain research to understand the children of divorce. To help you understand the hierarchical organization of the brain, I’m going to break it down into three main sections. Even though we can’t actually break Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain, Part 4: Essential “drugs” to use when ministering to the child of divorce and trauma
I realize many of you want no part of using drugs with kids whose parents have divorced or children who have experienced some sort of trauma. However, the drugs or chemicals I’m introducing here today will help you and make your ministry more effective when you use them. They are all natural, legal, and free. These four drugs have the ability to Affect Read more…
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Incredible amazing brain Part 3: Sweet kid or grumpy kid, which do you prefer?
Ever have a sweet, little kid run up to you, throw his arms around you, and tell you how much he missed you this week? Ever have a grumpy, little kid snarl at you as he enters the classroom? He slides past you, goes over to the corner, and sits down. You already know from past experience that this kid is going to Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain in kids of divorce. Part 2: Applying empathy
What if you could give a child of divorce a magical moment? Many of us look for something good we can do for these children. We understand how stressful living in two homes can be. We understand the chaos these children live in. What if I told you there was a way—a very easy way—for you to make magical moments for the children Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I answer questions from a parent who is in the middle of divorce conflict?
It’s Sunday morning crunch time, and you get an almost unanswerable question from a divorcing parent. More than likely, his kids are out of control due to the divorce, and he desperately needs help. How do you respond to such questions? One children’s minister asked for help in just such a scenario: “Give me a few short phrases that I can remember and Read more…
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What should you say when a child asks, “Does my mommy love me?”
If you are a pastor, kid’s minister, or teacher or you minister to children in any other way, someday you might be asked, “Do you think my mommy loves me?” I used to answer this question with a resounding, “Of course, your mommy loves you!” I mean, what kind of mother wouldn’t love her children? As the years have passed, though, and I’ve Read more…
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How long is a “minute” for the child of divorce?
For children of divorce, a minute can feel like an eternity, or it can zip by at lightning speed. Their perception of time’s passage is colored by the events in their lives—visitation with the other parent or the pain of a particular situation. Why? Let me paint a picture for you. A typical conversation in the house of an eight-year-old boy on Read more…
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10 Reasons why children of divorce don’t want to attend your church
“What will people at church think of me?” “I don’t want to be singled out.” These statements are only two of the many reasons children of divorce might not feel comfortable in your church. New environments are just hard for some kids to accept, but children of divorce have more reasons they don’t want to be in your church. In my work, I’ve Read more…
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Never discount the power of a praying child
Those of us in children’s ministry have experienced children praying, and we’ve seen the Lord answer those prayers. I’ve heard everything from “Please pray for my cat to come home” to “Please pray for my daddy come back home.” I’ve also heard prayers such as “Tell my brother to stop hitting me” and prayers for other children, “Help Piper get over her cold.” Read more…
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Why kids of divorce don’t feel safe (Part 2)
Children of divorce might not trust you. And in children’s ministry, that’s a real problem. I want to show you how to build their trust. Establishing trusting relationships will enable you to meaningfully minister to these kids. Why children of divorce have trouble with trust When children fear something, they want and expect the adults in their lives to protect them and keep Read more…
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Making divorce easier for kids to understand– a sweet story
I love getting uplifting emails and Facebook messages from people who minister to children. The following message is just too sweet to keep to myself. I pray that it blesses you as much as it did me. This message comes from Randy Smith, a businessman in his community and a lay leader who coordinates and oversees DivorceCare, Single & Parenting, and DivorceCare Read more…
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Question of the week: What should I say when a kid says something about court, custody or divorcing parents?
Recently a children’s leader said she has a boy that is disruptive and doesn’t pay attention. In one of the smaller groups last Sunday she overheard him say something about “court”. She said, I don’t know if I should say something to him or ask him any questions. I don’t know anything about his family. Someone drops him off and they don’t check Read more…
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10 ways to use God’s glory to de-stress the child of divorce
I’m always on the lookout for resources that can help us better minister to children of divorce. Right now, I’m reading Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv. This book verifies what I’ve thought for years about stressed-out children: stressed kids and children with ADHD and other behavior disorders need to be outside. Louv says they have a “nature-deficit disorder.” Overall, kids Read more…
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Why does the child of divorce wonder, “Where Will I Sleep Tonight?”
Why do children of divorce wonder, Where will I sleep tonight? These children face many stressful issues, and sometimes wondering where they will lay their head is a big worry. To adults, this might sound a little ridiculous. We all know where we will sleep tonight. Children of divorce, though, do actually worry about this question. Even with a schedule and consistency in Read more…
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Co-parenting that hurts kids and what you can do to help
Co-parenting or shared parenting among divorcing couples is becoming more popular. For many children this is a good thing. This means they get to have both parents making life-long decisions for their welfare. It means children can still have family connections with both sides of the family. In our last post, Understanding co-parenting situations we talked about the three different models of co-parenting Read more…
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“Do you love me?” ask the children of divorce
I have had many children ask me the following questions Does my daddy still love me? Do you think if my mom comes back home, she will love me again? How can Jesus love me when my own dad didn’t love me enough to stick around? Do you love me? Do you know I love you? Love, love, love, it is a basic Read more…
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Hurting children need heart-felt connections
Have you ever had a child get attached to you? I’ve had children who I knew were connected to me emotionally. The relationship between us was strong. I always hated it when I had to move and leave those kids behind. I knew there would be other people that would step in and new relationships would be formed. For the child of Read more…
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Empowering the helpless and vulnerable child
One of the tragedies of living in fractured families and the break up of a child’s home is the feeling of helplessness. Many adults who experienced the divorce of their parents report that, as children, they felt powerless and vulnerable. We now realize that the loss of dignity was another issue for many of these adults when they were children experiencing the break Read more…
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Did you know fear in the child of divorce can cause behavior issues?
Experts tell us that when children feel fear, they aren’t able to learn and absorb information normally. When a child feels unsafe, the “learning brain” begins to power down. Learning becomes difficult if not impossible. Clearly, a child suffering through the divorce of her parents does not feel safe. I’d like to explain how she processes the information you are trying to teach Read more…
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The power of words: how they can help or hurt the child of divorce
Words can be powerful when they are used in the right context. Usage of kind words can motivate children. Unkind and cruel words can hurt children. I’ve seen well-intended words devastate the child of divorce. Let me explain how they might hear things that are said in front of them or things you might say to them. Think of the child of divorce who Read more…
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Who gets custody of Grandpa?
Even though divorce isn’t as rampant as it was back in the seventies and eighties, children now face a new divorce dilemma, which can affect them in deep and profound ways. What dilemma am I talking about? I’m talking about when grandparents divorce. Steve Grissom says in the Gray Divorce Crisis that the largest group of people divorcing is the Baby Boomers, Read more…
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Sleep deprivation can cause behavior problems in kids of divorce
Few people realize that many children of divorce are not getting enough sleep. When you think about it, it does make sense. Children naturally do better in an environment that feels safe, has a schedule along with consistent routines. Dad or mom moves out of the home and nothing is consistent any longer. Many children no longer feel safe and so sleep Read more…
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Keeping siblings of divorce together at church events, Part I
God’s design for children is for them to depend and rely upon their parent. For instance when they wake in the middle of the night and they are scared they run to their parents. Their parents are the trustworthy adults who lead their family. When a divorce happens children can no longer turn to the parents as a unit. When it’s time Read more…
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Contagious anger and how it affects kids
A few weeks ago my thirteen-year-old grandson, my husband, and I were walking on the beach one evening. We were so busy talking and looking for seashells that I didn’t see a storm moving in. By the time we noticed the huge black cloud in the picture above moving over us, we were a mile and a half from our car. As Read more…
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Why do some children of divorce have a distorted view of God?
Most of us who minister to children recognize that children’s earliest impressions of God are related to the relationship they have with their own parents. Several studies indicate this is particularly true of the father-child relationship. In other words, how a child relates to his earthly father and how he interacts with his daddy shape the child’s image of Father God. We Read more…
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Understanding and encouraging the alienated parent
In the article Parental alienation—is it real? we defined what parental alienation is and how to help the children affected by it. Another part of effectively ministering to the child is ministering to the parent. Parental alienation is a family issue, and everyone in the family is affected in one way or another. In order to help you better understand the parent’s issue, Read more…
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How to help grandparents prepare their home for grandkids who come to stay
Most of us think of grandparents as the special people who spoil the grandkids, fill them full of candy, and then send them home for mommy and daddy to deal with when they are all hyped up on sugar. In our day and age, however, many grandparents don’t have the luxury of being those special people who fill the kids up on Read more…
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With VBS coming up, attitudes and conversations can make a difference when you have a rambunctious group of kids
Summer is here, and recently I’ve been doing my early morning walk on the beach. In our part of the country we have a beach restoration project going on. This project involves ships, pipes 4 feet in diameter, tractors, backhoes, and other equipment needed to dredge the sand off the bottom of the ocean and pump it up onto the beach. It’s Read more…
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The choices you make today affects a child tomorrow: Ministering to the child of divorce
The choices you make today in ministering to children of divorce can affect them for the rest of their lives. If the child of divorce finds….. Attention from church leaders, it might very well prevent that teen girl from getting pregnant. Value at church, it might prevent that teen boy from committing suicide. Someone who cares for them at church, it might prevent Read more…
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Is marriage reconciliation bad for the kids?
For years I have been under the impression that reconciliation for divorced couples was the ultimate success story. I’ve whooped and hollered when a divorcing couple has reconciled. I’ve patted them on the back, high-fived the wife, and given the husband a fist bump. So why would I even hint that reconciliation might be hurtful for the kids? Because I’ve seen how Read more…
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Think divorce doesn’t hurts kids? Think again.
Don’t think divorce hurts kids? Think again. Of all the ways a divorce negatively impacts a child’s life, the impact on their religious life may be the most detrimental of all. Church attendance and participation in church activities can be particularly cumbersome and tricky. Research shows most single parents drop out of church shortly after the divorce. While a child may want to Read more…
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How do I help a mom whose child wants to go live with the other parent?
Life for a child of divorce is difficult! A church leader approached me with the following situation. “I have a wonderful Christian single mom in our church who is devastated, and I don’t know how to help. She has done everything to provide for and create a happy Christian home for her kids. The other day her son asked to go live with Read more…
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“Mommy says Daddy has a girlfriend”
How to respond when a child discloses a shocker. Families are rapidly changing in our world today. Fewer than half the children under eighteen years of age live in a home with the two married birth parents. Many of these two-parent birth families as well as other kinds of families experience dysfunction with moral and worldly issues. The children in these situations Read more…
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A preschool child questions, “Where did he go?”
The teacher looked on as four-year old Elsa clung to her mom and screamed, “Don’t weave me mommy. Please don’t weave me.” The teacher was confused because little Elsa had always loved coming to her Sunday school class. Mom seemed at a loss as to how to comfort Elsa and get her into the class. The teacher gradually moved into the scene and Read more…
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Heart Handshakes?
All kids need hugs! However, when a divorce happens in a family many times the kids lost in the shuffle moving between homes. Or the because of the stress in the lives of the parents, the children’s needs get put on hold. You might say kids lose their hugs. The heart felt moments between parent and child become few and far between and Read more…