Archive for the ‘Research’ Category
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Today’s kids are experiencing a world full of trauma. Is your church trauma-informed?
In our world today, many children experience early childhood trauma. Through a lot of research, we now know that childhood trauma can affect children for the rest of their lives. ACEs too High explains in several articles and research reviews how trauma in early childhood can affect kids’ behavior and health during childhood and cause lifelong problems. We know early trauma causes Read more…
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Gaming addiction and kids of divorce
Today’s post is by guest author Linda Alderfer, DC4K director and ministry coach. Why do children’s ministers and DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) leaders need to be aware of gaming addiction? Excessive use of video games can become a trap (an addiction) kids get caught in as they try to escape their emotional turmoil. Experts have found that excessive gaming leads to addiction Read more…
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Why kids of divorce don’t feel safe and what you can do about it
Here is where many of us go wrong, we expect the child of divorce, who is caught up in an emotional train wreck, to function like any other kid. Doing school work, memorizing Scripture, answering questions about stories, and behaving appropriately may be almost impossible for children of divorce. Why? Their bodies are poised to respond to outside stimuli and interactions with fear. Read more…
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Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?
Are you are aware of the many crises children today experience? A trauma-informed church understands how a crisis affects a child. Experiencing a life crisis can lead to some children exhibiting particular characteristics of being “traumatized?” Definitions of crisis and trauma A crisis is an event – a disaster, the emergency, the calamity, or predicament. Trauma is the result of experiencing a crisis Read more…
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Kids that exhibit strange and unusual actions
Have you ever had a child exhibit behaviors that you couldn’t quite put your finger on what the problem was? The child who acts out at strange times The child who says something out of the ordinary and you don’t realize it until later in the day when you think, “That was a strange comment for him to make.” The kid who runs, Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part II
In Part 1 of “A class without stickers and rewards” we presented the downside to rewarding children and how rewards created “other control.” Today, let’s examine how many people use various reward systems for behavior issues. Sometimes we think handing a reward to each child that behaves will encourage the out of control kids to think about their behavior. The problem is most kids Read more…
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He stomped in and plopped down in a chair. It was going to be a wild ride!
Ever had a child stomp into a room and when you tried to greet him he turned his back and plopped himself down in a chair? Most of have experienced something like this. Oh the way the child entered the room may have been different, but you knew the minute you saw the child it was going to be one of “those” days with Read more…
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Are hungry hearts listening?
Hungry hearts have no ears. This was a phrase that Ms. Kennedy, an elementary teacher, used to tell the parents of children in her class about the importance of proper nutrition and having enough to eat. After reading a research project that was conducted at the Anthony Elementary School in Leavenworth, Kansas, this above phrase makes more sense to me. The study at Anthony Read more…
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Successful communication tips when talking to children
It’s important to know what not to say, what to say, and how to say it. Recently I published a post about focusing on what you want more of. I got several private messages with questions and what if situations. Much of the people wanted to know more about controlling behaviors by the way you speak. What not to say “Okay?” at the Read more…
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The legacy impact of divorce on children
Divorce often has a profound lifetime effect on the child of divorce. While not all divorce-related legacies affect every child, most children will have some repercussions from the dissolution of the parent’s marriage. Divorce affects every child differently – even children in the same families. Following are some of the short-term legacies that most children experience. Short-term Intense stress Overwhelming emotions Constant fear Read more…
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“I hate Divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel
For some church leaders and children’s workers it may be hard to truly understand what happens with a child of divorce inside the child’s head, within the heart, and under the skin Plainly stated, children lose their family. They lose a mom and dad living together as a unit. While this may seem like it is a simple statement, it has monumental outcomes Read more…
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What a difference a smile makes!
When my grandson was three years old I moved into my daughter’s house and lived there for a year while she was deployed to Afghanistan. I noticed right away, the three year-old smiled all the time. This little kid was one happy little guy. He even smiled most of the time when he was in trouble. His smile and happiness rarely got him Read more…
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Why children of divorce feel helpless – and how “choices” can help
One of the tragedies of divorce for children is the feeling of helplessness. Many adults who experienced their parents’ divorce report that, as children, they felt powerless and vulnerable. For the children it seems as though everything is out of control. Changing routines People moving out Things and belongings disappearing People disappearing such as neighbors if there is a move And this is Read more…
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Champions, cheerleaders, and mentors – oh my! How they can change a child’s life
Recently, I read the book Cheering for the Children by Casey Gwinn. This is an amazing book, and while not written for church leaders or children’s ministers, it is a worthwhile read to anyone ministering to children, especially those who have experienced early trauma, including the divorce of their parents. Gwinn is a man who understands that children hurt by those they love Read more…
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The big overwhelming variable that causes kids of divorce anxiety
Many things affect children when parents divorce. However, there is one big, overwhelming variable that causes kids of divorce angst and anxiety—and that is when parents continue to fight and war with each other. Parental conflict affects children for many years to come. When parents continue to fight, that does several things to the children in the family. Many times, kids are Read more…
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Can you reach the unlovable child? Yes, and here’s how.
Many children who are unlovable have experienced a crisis such, as the divorce of their parents or the breakup of their cohabiting parents. These children can be standoffish. They hold back and don’t seem to want to get involved in relationships with their leaders at church and school. This makes it difficult to love them and incorporate them into your church family. Connecting Read more…
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Help bring predictability to the child of divorce
Children of divorce need predictability in their lives. This means it’s very important that children of divorce know they can depend on specific things happening at specific times. They often perceive their lives as out of control and in disarray. Here’s why predictability is important: Predictability lends itself to security. Unlike routines, rituals involve a special feeling of connecting with another human being. Read more…
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A child carries the treasures of his life hidden in his pocket
When children lose connections with important people in their lives, they may become attached to their “things.” Things and possessions bring a sense of comfort, control, and order to children’s lives. These things become substitutes for deep connections with parents and other loved ones. They replace many of the rituals they held important before life changed. I had the privilege of knowing one Read more…
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After divorce: when to tell the kids that mom or dad is dating
Recently, I was asked if I had any research addressing how soon after separation kids should be exposed to the other parent’s new partner. This is a tough question, but if you are in children’s ministry, you might have to deal with it more often than you like. There are so many variables with this question. There are also a lot of articles Read more…
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Children of divorce need YOU to help them manage their behaviors
Children of divorce face many struggles on a daily basis. Because of these adversities, some children of divorce have out-of-control behaviors. It’s not because they want to misbehave or like misbehaving; it is because they are doing the best they can in their state of confusion. Many children of divorce who misbehave are actually seeking external regulation or management. In other words, Read more…
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Question of the week: What precautions should we take when publishing pictures of children in our ministries– especially kids of divorce?
The other day, I was on a children’s ministry Facebook group. This is a closed group where children’s ministers discuss … children’s ministry things. The discussion was about publishing pictures of kids in different church activities on social media. As I read all of the ideas about how to obtain permission and handle things, it was clear that hardly anyone was discussing how Read more…
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One simple technique that changes how you discipline kids of divorce, the Safekeeper concept!
Ever heard the phrase “practice makes perfect”? It may be an old, familiar saying, but it is incorrect. It makes no difference how many times you practice something the wrong way; it will still be wrong. Instead, “perfect practice makes perfect.” Allow me to explain how practicing something will help you discipline children of divorce. Many times when working with an out-of-control Read more…
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“Breakthrough” strategy for single parent and blended family success
What if I shared with you that you have the power to change interactions between parents and children in single-parent and blended-family homes? What if this I told you it is a suggestion that single parents and blended parents can incorporate very easily into their schedule? What is this miracle I’m talking about that will change children’s lives and help single dads and Read more…
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How you can help single parents understand why their kids are touch-deprived
One of the most precious scenes to witness on a Sunday morning is a new mom cuddling and holding her tiny, little infant. The love between the mom and her newborn baby radiates on her face. For some moms, it is almost painful to hand their newborn babies over to church nursery workers. The attachment between moms and newborn babies is already strong. Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a mom whose child has been physically abused?
“We were all so excited when one of our single moms married a man in our church. Little did we know this guy had a history of abuse. One of her little kids was hurt pretty badly by this guy. The state got involved, and she and her children are safe now, but the one who was abused the most has started to Read more…
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The incredible amazing brain, Part 6: Where and how the brain learns
What if I explained to you that it is possible to have a child of divorce in your class who has a sustained attention span and can empathize with other children in the group? What if I told you that it is possible for the child of trauma to fit into your class and actually be in control of his behavior and Read more…
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The incredible amazing brain, Part 5: Do you love me?
How many times have you had a child ask you, “Do you love me … ’cause I love you?” Those of us working in children’s ministry like to know that the little ones we work with love us. There are reasons some kids need to know and need to be told that you love them. Many children of divorce question if their parents Read more…
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Incredible amazing brain Part 3: Sweet kid or grumpy kid, which do you prefer?
Ever have a sweet, little kid run up to you, throw his arms around you, and tell you how much he missed you this week? Ever have a grumpy, little kid snarl at you as he enters the classroom? He slides past you, goes over to the corner, and sits down. You already know from past experience that this kid is going to Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain in kids of divorce. Part 2: Applying empathy
What if you could give a child of divorce a magical moment? Many of us look for something good we can do for these children. We understand how stressful living in two homes can be. We understand the chaos these children live in. What if I told you there was a way—a very easy way—for you to make magical moments for the children Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain in the child of divorce, Part 1
I want to share some profound brain science with you in a series of blog posts. Understand this information, and you’ll be better equipped to connect with and relate to the child of divorce and children who have experienced other traumatic events. Don’t let me scare you away. This isn’t leading-edge stuff, but it might be new to you or others in your Read more…
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Question of the week: Why is it important for me to understand the brains in kids of divorce?
“I’m a children’s leader in my church. Why would I want to know about the brain when I’m with the child for only a couple of hours on Sunday and usually only every other week at that?” I realize that talking about the brain may seem like a medical issue, and you don’t think knowing about the brain will impact any of the Read more…
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Stress-busting tips for kids in divorce
Major stress can send an otherwise normal kid straight into panic mode. Imagine the impact of stress on the child of divorce—or any child of a traumatic situation! Stress is the body’s way of reacting to challenging or frightening events. Clearly, divorce is a major stressor for the children who are impacted. These children become the disruptive kids in your groups. They need Read more…
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Why kids of divorce don’t feel safe (Part 2)
Children of divorce might not trust you. And in children’s ministry, that’s a real problem. I want to show you how to build their trust. Establishing trusting relationships will enable you to meaningfully minister to these kids. Why children of divorce have trouble with trust When children fear something, they want and expect the adults in their lives to protect them and keep Read more…
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Question of the week: Does your children’s ministry mirror your community? WARNING – you may not like these numbers!
Recently I got a note from a friend of mine who wanted to share some numbers with me. This friend lives is in a typical middle-class neighborhood and teaches at the local public school. I don’t want to cause any problems for her with her job, so I’m not going to post exactly where she lives or the school district where she teachers. Read more…
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Question of the week: Do single parents need family meetings? Should children’s ministers encourage them?
I’ve heard church leaders question the necessity of family meetings for single-parent homes. Some have even asked, “Aren’t these broken homes, so what good would family meetings do?” When it comes to single-parent families, there are some broken homes, and there are emotionally and spiritually healthy homes. Both types can benefit from holding family meetings. 10 reasons to encourage family meetings in single-parent Read more…
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Children of divorce need to belong but do they “belong” in your church?
God designed all of us to want to belong. He made us relational and gave us the need to be in relationships. Children of divorce, too, have an innate desire to belong. First and foremost, God wants these children to be in relationship with Him as their Creator, second, with His Son, Jesus Christ, as their Savior, and lastly, with other people. Read more…
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Divorce hurts kids – literally divorce hurts
Divorce hurts children in many ways. It affects every area of their lives. And hurting children hurt others. When divorce hurts children to the very core, and there doesn’t seem to be any help or future for them, many times, they hurt others. They feel lost in a sea of adversity and confusion. Today, we have Infants and toddlers crying incessantly and refusing Read more…
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Question of the week: How long does it take a child to recover from the divorce of their parents?
The answer to this question can get complicated. Many divorcing parents think their children will get over the divorce fairly quickly. But what parents need to realize is while the adult life might go on and they will find a new partner, the children will never find another parent. The two parents will always be their parents. Most research shows that for adults Read more…
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Tips to help the alienated parent maintain the parent-child relationship
It’s hard to understand all of the issues involved in parental alienation. We’ve learned parental alienation is real. It hurts to the core of parenting. It devastates the parent-child relationship. It is a very difficult concept for church leaders to understand and even harder to encourage the alienated parent. Alienated parents very much need the church family to walk alongside them during this Read more…
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How to care for children of modern or unusual family systems
Training church leaders and volunteers is becoming critical if we want to address some of the more unusual situations and needs of children and families in our communities. It’s also important to educate ourselves on the many societal issues surrounding the children in our midst. The post “Mommy says Daddy has a girlfriend” discussed how to react and what to say and not Read more…
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Confused about gender confusion and other modern family issues?
Faith-based resources to help church leaders minister effectively. Gender confusion, gender nonconformity, gender discordance, donor kids, gay and lesbian issues—these are real-life struggles that children are observing in their own families, even with their own parents. The better you understand the many issues surrounding these families, the better you’re equipped to help. As Christian leaders we must stay in tune with what Read more…
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Why do some kids seem to breeze through a divorce?
Many children of divorce appear to breeze through the divorce at the time the divorce happens. But don’t jump to conclusions. Many of these little girls will try to “keep the peace.” They will hide their feelings and say and do the things they think the adults expect and want from them. However, the divorce experience remains alive – but as memories that they push Read more…
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How to retain (or attract) divorcing families to your church– and why it’s important
Often, when a couple divorces, both spouses leave their church. If there are children, they disappear as well. I want to show you ways to retain at least one of the spouses (and hopefully their children)– and why you should try. Occasionally, one of the spouses will remain at the church. In rare instances, both will stay, but for the most part, the Read more…
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Do elementary age kids cut? Part III
In Part I and Part II about elementary age kids cutting and self-harming we explored: The increase in self-harm Why they cut and self-harm How to recognize the signs of children who might become engaged in self-harming. In this post, let’s take a look at what to actually look for in a child that is self-harming and how you can help. Keep in mind Read more…
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Question of the week: Do elementary age children “cut” or self-harm?
This might seem like a strange question to many of us especially for people who work with and minister to children. Is it really possible that young children want to self-insure or hurt their own bodies? Most of us have heard about teenagers that cut and self-harm but how many of you have dealt with an elementary age child who is cutting? I Read more…
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Do you have kids who have experienced an “emotional concussion?”
In our world today many children experience what is known as an emotional concussion. Emotional concussions can be just as lethal, and sometimes even more so, than a physical concussion. Emotional concussions occur when young children Live in homes controlled by alcohol, drugs, explosive tempers Live in homes full of stress Live with dysfunctional adults Have exposure to people who are physically, emotionally, Read more…
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Question of the week: Does divorce affect kids in higher-income families?
I have had many children’s ministers and church leaders tell me they don’t have children of divorce in their churches. Sometimes they cite the fact that their church is in middle-class America or in a higher-income area. I assume the rationale for their statement is that couples in higher-income families don’t divorce as much as people in what one would consider lower-income families. Read more…
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The importance of replacing “rituals” for the child of divorce
In a previous post we discuss the importance of rituals for the child of divorce. I shared that rituals help children connect to loved ones. It is important that church leaders, volunteers and ministers understand the role rituals play in the lives of children of divorce. When children lose rituals or connections with important people in their lives, they may become attached to Read more…
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What buzzed you? Our top-10 blog posts
We just celebrated the first anniversary of our Kids and Divorce Blog. It gave me a great excuse to step back and look at what got the most attention in a year’s worth of posts. I want to share that information with you. “Effects of divorce on the 6, 7 and 8 year old children” was read more than any other post. It Read more…