Archive for the ‘Trauma’ Category
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Red zones in schools, churches, and homes—when kids don’t feel safe!
Ever heard of the “Red Zone?” Many of us understand that when something enters the red zone, it can prove to be a daunting situation. For example, if your car overheats, and the temperature gauge moves into the red zone, it’s important to check the engine to see what’s going on. Otherwise, the car may overheat or cause a fire, and you Read more…
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When grandparents have custody of the grandchildren – discipline and how the church can help
In the post, “What do I need to know when grandparents assume responsibility for their grandchildren?” I presented the many changes a grandparent must face when providing full-time care for a grandchild or grandchildren when the child’s parents are not able to provide care. Now, I want to discuss the discipline issues many grandparents must face. It can be a daunting task to Read more…
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One important point when ministering to kids in crisis and trauma – be present in the moment!
. Kids in trauma and crisis pick up on what is going on in your mind. This is especially true of kids from divorced situations or children who have experienced some type of trauma, like a school shooting. Your presence of mind makes a difference to a child who has experienced a crisis. These kids need you to be in the moment so Read more…
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Today’s kids are experiencing a world full of trauma. Is your church trauma-informed?
In our world today, many children experience early childhood trauma. Through a lot of research, we now know that childhood trauma can affect children for the rest of their lives. ACEs too High explains in several articles and research reviews how trauma in early childhood can affect kids’ behavior and health during childhood and cause lifelong problems. We know early trauma causes Read more…
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Do elementary age children die by suicide? (Covid might be changing the stats)
This series of articles was written before the Covid pandemic hit our world. The articles on suicide here on the Kids & Divorce blog still apply to children whose parents are divorcing, arguing, etc. but now we add another stressful element to their lives with Covid issues. We know the isolation and stress our children are experiencing have added to thoughts Read more…
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A call for help: Suicide in children
This is the second in the series on children and suicide. The first post asked the question, “Do elementary age children seriously consider dying by suicide?” It is important to understand all you can about suicide in young children so you can better parent, teach and minister to the potentially vulnerable child in your life. This post gives you a deeper understanding of Read more…
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Suicide myths: Learning the truths
This is the third article in this series on suicide in children. The first asked the question, “Do elementary age children seriously die by suicide?” The second was, “A call for help”. In this article, we separate the truths from the myths of suicide. It is important to truly understand all aspects of suicide in children so we can help them have a Read more…
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Give it all to Jesus: My personal story of surviving the holidays
I’ve been through some painful Christmases, following a divorce and after the death of my husband. Down through the years, I developed a way to survive the Christmas season. I’ve shared this story with hundreds of people and I’ve shared it on this blog in Christmases past. Hurting single parents have told me that this one story has helped them also discover a Read more…
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3 reasons grandparents who parent grandchildren are emotionally exhausted—and how you can help
Grandparents who parent their grandchildren come in all ages, shapes, sizes, and colors. Some are healthy. Others aren’t. Some are financially stable. Others live on a fixed income. Many are married. And many are single. And some are in second and third marriages. But no matter the age, health condition, marital status, or finances, raising grandchildren is emotionally tough. Let’s look at three Read more…
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Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?
Are you are aware of the many crises children today experience? A trauma-informed church understands how a crisis affects a child. Experiencing a life crisis can lead to some children exhibiting particular characteristics of being “traumatized?” Definitions of crisis and trauma A crisis is an event – a disaster, the emergency, the calamity, or predicament. Trauma is the result of experiencing a crisis Read more…
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Kids that exhibit strange and unusual actions
Have you ever had a child exhibit behaviors that you couldn’t quite put your finger on what the problem was? The child who acts out at strange times The child who says something out of the ordinary and you don’t realize it until later in the day when you think, “That was a strange comment for him to make.” The kid who runs, Read more…
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Help a single parent family turn to God
I see many single parents turn to the church for help. They know they need help in working through a crisis. They understand they need support through prayer partners in the church. However, in today’s world a lot of people simply don’t know how to seek God. Church is foreign to them and they are clueless as to what goes on in that Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part II
In Part 1 of “A class without stickers and rewards” we presented the downside to rewarding children and how rewards created “other control.” Today, let’s examine how many people use various reward systems for behavior issues. Sometimes we think handing a reward to each child that behaves will encourage the out of control kids to think about their behavior. The problem is most kids Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part I
First let me say that I like stickers. I think stickers are fun crazy and whimsical. I know many of you are tied to your stickers and rewards. I understand. Handing out rewards has been a mainstay in children’s ministry for a long time. What I want to present in this post is how do you have a class without stickers or other Read more…
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Emotional concussions can be just as lethal, and sometimes even more so, than a physical concussion
Have you ever considered the term emotional concussion? Have you ever thought about what might be involved in an emotional concussion? Emotional concussions occur when young children Live in homes controlled by alcohol, drugs, explosive tempers Live in homes full of stress Live with dysfunctional adults Have exposure to people who are physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abusive Experience the divorce of their parents From Read more…
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Responses to “What you focus on you get more of”
Recently I published a blog post about the importance of focusing on what we want kids to do and not on what we don’t want them to do. In the article I state, “I focus on how I want the kids to act and how they should behave. I set the expectations and standards early on, like the minute they walk into our Read more…
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What you focus on, you get more of – think discipline!
I facilitate a DC4K, DivorceCare for Kids, group at my church. We have 14 kids registered. Some of the kids are already in step family situations. Some have half siblings. Some live with a grandparent, and all have experienced either a divorce or a separation of their birth parents. We have children from kindergarten through fifth grade in our group. Mixed ages work Read more…
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A big problem for our future – 40% of children lack secure attachment
Many infants who live in a stressed single-parent home face attachment issues. The single parent, which could be a mom or a dad, might be in a state of shock and barely surviving. They take the child to childcare, work a full day, pick up the child, and stumble home. Hoping the childcare is giving adequate care, they may feed the child and Read more…
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One bird alone is like a single parent alone
Starting in May birds from South America arrive in our area to nest. They nest along the causeway to Navarre Beach from May to mid-September. I live in that area and walk the Navarre Bridge and causeway each morning during the summer months. I watch as these birds claim their territory and begin nesting. The black skimmers are fascinating to watch as they Read more…
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Kids in trauma and heart-felt connections
Have you ever had a child who has experienced a crisis or trauma get attached to you? I’ve had children who I knew were connected to me emotionally. However, I had no idea of the depth of these connections. For the child of divorce and other life-changing traumas, it is a different kind of connection. They become attached not only to you but Read more…
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Why children of divorce feel helpless – and how “choices” can help
One of the tragedies of divorce for children is the feeling of helplessness. Many adults who experienced their parents’ divorce report that, as children, they felt powerless and vulnerable. For the children it seems as though everything is out of control. Changing routines People moving out Things and belongings disappearing People disappearing such as neighbors if there is a move And this is Read more…
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Champions, cheerleaders, and mentors – oh my! How they can change a child’s life
Recently, I read the book Cheering for the Children by Casey Gwinn. This is an amazing book, and while not written for church leaders or children’s ministers, it is a worthwhile read to anyone ministering to children, especially those who have experienced early trauma, including the divorce of their parents. Gwinn is a man who understands that children hurt by those they love Read more…
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Timely tips to help kids of divorce love summer camp
Many churches host camps during the summer months. Some are day camps children attend only during the day. Other are overnight camps. Summer camps can be wonderful experiences for children. A lot of children from two-parent homes wait excitedly to attend these fun, awesome camps. Not so much for many children in single-parent homes. Summer camps can become sticky and messy for Read more…
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8 fun and easy tips to help children release stress and get rid of anger
Many children of divorce will experience tremendous stress. These children may express their stress through angry behavior. When a child is stressed and living in the survival mode or the fight or flight part of the brain they are incapable of learning, processing information or functioning in a reasonable manner. It becomes all about surviving in the moment. When you can get Read more…
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Can you reach the unlovable child? Yes, and here’s how.
Many children who are unlovable have experienced a crisis such, as the divorce of their parents or the breakup of their cohabiting parents. These children can be standoffish. They hold back and don’t seem to want to get involved in relationships with their leaders at church and school. This makes it difficult to love them and incorporate them into your church family. Connecting Read more…
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Got kids in trauma? Got adults with disorders? Might be a connection
In a post last week about, trauma-informed churches, I referenced a study that has tremendous implications for people working with children and adults who experienced early adverse childhood experiences. The Ministry Best Practices website has an incredible article on “Adult disorders linked to trauma” and refers to an infographic with the article “The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Adult Disorders.” This infographic would be great Read more…
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A child carries the treasures of his life hidden in his pocket
When children lose connections with important people in their lives, they may become attached to their “things.” Things and possessions bring a sense of comfort, control, and order to children’s lives. These things become substitutes for deep connections with parents and other loved ones. They replace many of the rituals they held important before life changed. I had the privilege of knowing one Read more…
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Question of the week: What is the emotional glue that helps single parents stay connected to the kids?
“I’ve heard you speak at children’s ministry conferences about rituals and the child of divorce. What I want to know is why rituals are so important for the child of divorce.” Almost all children are ritual-makers. They automatically create rituals when they say hello or goodbye and in many other situations. Rituals help children connect with the people in their lives, whether Read more…
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What would you do with this screaming child?
Recently, a grandmother who has been the primary caregiver for her toddler grandchild contacted me. One evening, her grandchild was returned after spending time with other relatives. When he came in, he rushed over and hugged her, which was his normal ritual. He then looked around her home and began to scream. She proceeded with her normal routine of getting him settled into Read more…
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One simple technique that changes how you discipline kids of divorce, the Safekeeper concept!
Ever heard the phrase “practice makes perfect”? It may be an old, familiar saying, but it is incorrect. It makes no difference how many times you practice something the wrong way; it will still be wrong. Instead, “perfect practice makes perfect.” Allow me to explain how practicing something will help you discipline children of divorce. Many times when working with an out-of-control Read more…
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One HUGE mistake we’ve made with the child of divorce
Often, when kids of divorce show up in your church classes, they may exhibit unruly, out-of-control behavior. Your teachers and volunteers will ask a question like: What on earth could be causing these kids to act like that? They may wonder if there is any discipline in the home at all. However, it is not that the parent is a bad parent or Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain, Part 4: Essential “drugs” to use when ministering to the child of divorce and trauma
I realize many of you want no part of using drugs with kids whose parents have divorced or children who have experienced some sort of trauma. However, the drugs or chemicals I’m introducing here today will help you and make your ministry more effective when you use them. They are all natural, legal, and free. These four drugs have the ability to Affect Read more…
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Incredible amazing brain Part 3: Sweet kid or grumpy kid, which do you prefer?
Ever have a sweet, little kid run up to you, throw his arms around you, and tell you how much he missed you this week? Ever have a grumpy, little kid snarl at you as he enters the classroom? He slides past you, goes over to the corner, and sits down. You already know from past experience that this kid is going to Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain in kids of divorce. Part 2: Applying empathy
What if you could give a child of divorce a magical moment? Many of us look for something good we can do for these children. We understand how stressful living in two homes can be. We understand the chaos these children live in. What if I told you there was a way—a very easy way—for you to make magical moments for the children Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help parents tell a 6, 7, or 8 year old children they are divorcing?
If you are a children’s minister, parents in your church have probably asked you this question. Or you may have been stunned when children tell a class or group that their parents are getting a divorce. Although none of us want children to face their parents’ divorce, it is a reality happening in our world today. It is best if you know Read more…
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5 Ways to assist a child with a broken and hurting heart
The January/February 2017 cover of Children’s Ministry Magazine says, “How changed hearts, change hearts.” I love this phrase. It is what I’ve touted for years, except I have left off the word “how” and simply said, “Changed hearts, change hearts.” In the article “How to transform the heart of your ministry from perfect programs to rooted relationships,” author Dan Lovaglia talks Read more…
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Gifts we give to the Christ child
Those of us who work with children most likely have heard all about the gifts they want for Christmas this year. Most kids dream about the presents they will unwrap Christmas morning. And let’s face it—many of us adults have a few things in our minds we’d like for Christmas, too. We know that Christmas is gift-giving time. It started with the Read more…
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Stressed out kids need comfort foods at Christmas
Do you remember the commercial for Chick-fil-A where the spotted cow puts up signs saying, “Eat mor chikin?” I always get a kick out of the way the “cowz” come up with different ways to supposedly keep one from eating beef. This food chain has come up with a unique way to promote its sell of chicken. Today I wish I had a unique Read more…
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Divorce — the storm that devastates and keeps on devastating
When divorce became a trend in the early 1970s, we were told that children were resilient. If Mom and Dad were happy after the divorce, the kids would be okay. Over the years, however, we have learned that divorce affects children’s lives in deep, intense ways. Divorce is a storm that devastates the child’s family and the child’s life. Dr. Judith Wallerstein, a Read more…
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Is the size of your classroom causing behavior problems in your group?
Within half an hour of arriving in your group, Braden has tripped over a chair, fallen into another kid, walked into the end of a table, and caused mass confusion when he came to the worship time and bumped into several kids already singing and praising the Lord. Friends are frustrated with him. Others are mad at him for hurting them. Volunteers are Read more…
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Talking to kids about disasters
I grew up in Bartlesville, OK. I have heard about tornadoes my entire life. I owned two child care programs in OK for over twenty-five years. As a kid I remember going into the hallways at school and putting my hands over my head while crouched down on my knees. In childcare we practiced relentlessly with the children. The fire department recommended Read more…
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Helping kids process public tragedy and terror
Many children will hear about the recent attacks or other frightening events such as widespread fires, weather-related events, or horrific events experienced in other places. Parents will be struggling about what to say and how much to say. Having owned a child care facility in Oklahoma during the time of the Oklahoma City bombing, I would like to share some tips we Read more…
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How to care for children of modern or unusual family systems
Training church leaders and volunteers is becoming critical if we want to address some of the more unusual situations and needs of children and families in our communities. It’s also important to educate ourselves on the many societal issues surrounding the children in our midst. The post “Mommy says Daddy has a girlfriend” discussed how to react and what to say and not Read more…
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How Divorce Affects Children
To a child, the divorce of their parents can be likened to a tsunami that strikes their lives and leaves destruction and havoc in its wake. Nothing is ever the same again. The divorce will affect the child for many years to come. Divorce impacts future generations within the family • In some families divorce is cyclical. • Children lose access to grandparents Read more…
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How the Ashley Madison scandal will affect children
In recent weeks the breech of data from the website called Ashley Madison has disrupted millions of lives and compromised countless families. On Wikipedia you can read how in July of this year hackers stole user data from a commercial website called Ashley Madison. This site is billed a vehicle to enable extramarital affairs. The hackers have now released 25 gigabytes of company data including Read more…
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Have you encountered kids who actually wanted their parents to get a divorce?
Recently I posted an article about how blunt kids can be when talking about their parent’s divorce. After that post was published I had someone ask me if I had encountered kids who actually wanted their parents to get a divorce. This person asked if it was possible for little children to truly understood what divorce meant. Do they really want their parents Read more…
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Yikes! The day a 15 year old came to live with me
It was my great nephew and he was in a lot of trouble. I think he thought I’d be a push over. I mean in his eyes I was his great aunt, gray and old! Boy did life ever change for that boy! I may have been his great aunt, gray and old but the lights hadn’t gone out yet. Plus I had Read more…
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How single parents can be an ’emotional mentor’ to their kids
Mentoring children to manage and handle their emotions is something many of us haven’t thought much about before. Most of us assume kids pick up how to display their emotions from their parents. Few people have ever seriously thought about being a mentor to their child and his or her feelings. How can a single dad or mom be an emotional mentor when Read more…
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Question of the week: Should we kick kids out of church?
I’m fairly sure that most people will shout, “NO! Kids should never be kicked out of church.” And yet, that seems to be happening more and more. I don’t mean that leaders are intentionally kicking kids out of church permanently, but many are asking the child to leave a class for a week or two. To the child, it is it feels like being Read more…
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Do elementary age children “cut” or self-harm? Part II
In my previous post, I alerted you to the increase of self-harm and cutting among elementary age children. This post explores why children self-harm and recognizing the signs of self-injury. Cutting and other forms of self-harm helps kids deal with frightening feelings they don’t understand and have no way of expressing in words. In other words developmentally they don’t have the language to express Read more…
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Question of the week: Do elementary age children “cut” or self-harm?
This might seem like a strange question to many of us especially for people who work with and minister to children. Is it really possible that young children want to self-insure or hurt their own bodies? Most of us have heard about teenagers that cut and self-harm but how many of you have dealt with an elementary age child who is cutting? I Read more…
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Question of the week: Why do abused women go back to the abuser and what can we do to help?
Recently I was ministering to a lady that was new to our area. She was from another state and had just moved here. She said she had to get out of an abusive marriage so she came to live with a relative. She wanted a safe place for her and her child. She also said she needed some peace and quiet while she Read more…
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What can you do with misbehaving kids that have no R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
“I am fed up with some of these kids. They have no respect for me or for anything!” I have often heard people that work with misbehaving kids talk about the lack of respect some of these kids have. They say it like they are ready to throw in the towel and walk away. My suggestion is to take the word “respect” out Read more…