Archive for the ‘Discipline’ Category
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Here is a zinger cheat sheet for single parents
Leaders: Print this page and share it with the single parents connected to your ministry. Imagine tools that will help single parents eliminate the need for yelling, screaming or threatening their kids when conflicts arise. Single parenting is never easy, but I’ve developed a cheat sheet that has simple but effective tips that will help single parents navigate the flash points that inevitably arise when Read more…
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When grandparents have custody of the grandchildren – discipline and how the church can help
In the post, “What do I need to know when grandparents assume responsibility for their grandchildren?” I presented the many changes a grandparent must face when providing full-time care for a grandchild or grandchildren when the child’s parents are not able to provide care. Now, I want to discuss the discipline issues many grandparents must face. It can be a daunting task to Read more…
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How to help single parents de-stress their children
In another post, we talked about using nature at church to help de-stress children of divorce. It’s a lonely world out there when you’re parenting alone, and your kid gets stressed out by something you have no control over. It is good to have a few suggestions on hand to help single parents. When I was a single parent, my kids and Read more…
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What do I need to know when grandparents assume responsibility for their grandchildren?
Many grandparents thought they were through parenting only to find they have to parent the second or third generation in their family. Some of these grandparents are retired or ready to retire. They have worked hard to get to a point where they can sit back and enjoy life. Now they find they have to make many adjustments in their home. That sewing Read more…
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Is there a difference between a broken home and a single parent family?
Many times when people say, “broken home” one thinks of a single-parent home where the kids are out of control or possibly the parent is out of control. You might question if there is a big difference between broken homes and single-parent homes. I mean, after all, don’t both kinds of homes have only one parent? So, is there really a difference between Read more…
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Single Parents: Ten Discipline Solutions for Single Parents
When one is parenting alone, there is no one to help late at night or on a day-to-day basis when discipline situations arise. It can get overwhelming, to say the least. Following are some typical questions many single parents have asked me regarding discipline situations. You can use this article to help educate yourself so when something happens you will have Read more…
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Gaming addiction and kids of divorce
Today’s post is by guest author Linda Alderfer, DC4K director and ministry coach. Why do children’s ministers and DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) leaders need to be aware of gaming addiction? Excessive use of video games can become a trap (an addiction) kids get caught in as they try to escape their emotional turmoil. Experts have found that excessive gaming leads to addiction Read more…
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Why kids of divorce don’t feel safe and what you can do about it
Here is where many of us go wrong, we expect the child of divorce, who is caught up in an emotional train wreck, to function like any other kid. Doing school work, memorizing Scripture, answering questions about stories, and behaving appropriately may be almost impossible for children of divorce. Why? Their bodies are poised to respond to outside stimuli and interactions with fear. Read more…
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How Daylight Savings Time will affect kids of divorce
Next week, when we go on daylight savings time children, will rise an hour earlier. Most of them will rise while it is still dark outside. Some will have to wait on school buses in the dark. Monday all these children are going to arrive at school a little flustered and sleepy. It will take a few days or even weeks for Read more…
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Question of the week: Why do behavior problems escalate when there is a divorce?
There are many things happening in a child’s life when parents separate or divorce. The child doesn’t understand adult problems and even though a lot of their friends have divorced parents, many children simply don’t know what the word “divorce” means. All they know is their parents were together and now one parent is packing their bags. In “Divorced Kids” by Laurene Read more…
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Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?
Are you are aware of the many crises children today experience? A trauma-informed church understands how a crisis affects a child. Experiencing a life crisis can lead to some children exhibiting particular characteristics of being “traumatized?” Definitions of crisis and trauma A crisis is an event – a disaster, the emergency, the calamity, or predicament. Trauma is the result of experiencing a crisis Read more…
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Kids that exhibit strange and unusual actions
Have you ever had a child exhibit behaviors that you couldn’t quite put your finger on what the problem was? The child who acts out at strange times The child who says something out of the ordinary and you don’t realize it until later in the day when you think, “That was a strange comment for him to make.” The kid who runs, Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part II
In Part 1 of “A class without stickers and rewards” we presented the downside to rewarding children and how rewards created “other control.” Today, let’s examine how many people use various reward systems for behavior issues. Sometimes we think handing a reward to each child that behaves will encourage the out of control kids to think about their behavior. The problem is most kids Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part I
First let me say that I like stickers. I think stickers are fun crazy and whimsical. I know many of you are tied to your stickers and rewards. I understand. Handing out rewards has been a mainstay in children’s ministry for a long time. What I want to present in this post is how do you have a class without stickers or other Read more…
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He stomped in and plopped down in a chair. It was going to be a wild ride!
Ever had a child stomp into a room and when you tried to greet him he turned his back and plopped himself down in a chair? Most of have experienced something like this. Oh the way the child entered the room may have been different, but you knew the minute you saw the child it was going to be one of “those” days with Read more…
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He was so angry he couldn’t sit still!
Ever seen a kid so mad about his parent’s separation or divorce that he couldn’t even sit still for a minute? I had a nine year-old boy like this last a few years ago. He started our DC4K group in September and he oozed anger. He literally couldn’t make his body be still. Anger was etched on his face. Anger was in his movements. Read more…
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Why are behavior problems compounded when there is a divorce?
I get asked this questions all the time: “Why do behavior problems escalate when there is a divorce.” Having divorcing parens creates a lot of confusion in many children, not all children but in many children. To a little kid there are crazy things start happening when parents separate or divorce. The child doesn’t understand adult problems and even though a lot of Read more…
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Are hungry hearts listening?
Hungry hearts have no ears. This was a phrase that Ms. Kennedy, an elementary teacher, used to tell the parents of children in her class about the importance of proper nutrition and having enough to eat. After reading a research project that was conducted at the Anthony Elementary School in Leavenworth, Kansas, this above phrase makes more sense to me. The study at Anthony Read more…
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Emotional concussions can be just as lethal, and sometimes even more so, than a physical concussion
Have you ever considered the term emotional concussion? Have you ever thought about what might be involved in an emotional concussion? Emotional concussions occur when young children Live in homes controlled by alcohol, drugs, explosive tempers Live in homes full of stress Live with dysfunctional adults Have exposure to people who are physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abusive Experience the divorce of their parents From Read more…
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Why the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” policy doesn’t work with the child of divorce
One popular discipline policy churches use is what is called the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” policy. In theory it sounds reasonable but for many hurting children it is not reasonable or even fair. It goes something like this; the child doesn’t obey the rules, is unruly or is disrespectful in some manner and the count down starts. Strike 1: The first time Read more…
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Successful communication tips when talking to children
It’s important to know what not to say, what to say, and how to say it. Recently I published a post about focusing on what you want more of. I got several private messages with questions and what if situations. Much of the people wanted to know more about controlling behaviors by the way you speak. What not to say “Okay?” at the Read more…
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Are you making life difficult for the child of divorce?
Do you make life difficult for the child of divorce? You might be surprised to learn you are doing that. Let me put this another way, do you dress the child of divorce in meaningless “garb”? Many times as adults we make life difficult for children. This is especially true for children of divorce. We try to comfort the child with adult-isms. You Read more…
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Got grouchy kids this week?
What are the two most difficult days out of the entire year for the child of divorce? Want to try and guess what they are? Christmas? Thanksgiving? Valentines Day? Halloween? Birthday? Did you pick any of the above? These are all good guesses and for many children some of these days are difficult. But the two days that cause havoc with the Read more…
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Responses to “What you focus on you get more of”
Recently I published a blog post about the importance of focusing on what we want kids to do and not on what we don’t want them to do. In the article I state, “I focus on how I want the kids to act and how they should behave. I set the expectations and standards early on, like the minute they walk into our Read more…
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What you focus on, you get more of – think discipline!
I facilitate a DC4K, DivorceCare for Kids, group at my church. We have 14 kids registered. Some of the kids are already in step family situations. Some have half siblings. Some live with a grandparent, and all have experienced either a divorce or a separation of their birth parents. We have children from kindergarten through fifth grade in our group. Mixed ages work Read more…
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Fidgety kids, ADHD kids, and kids who can’t sit still, oh my!
It appears our society has a real big problem with fidgety kids and kids who can’t sit still. More children are being diagnosed ADHD, Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. Children being diagnosed with ADHD went from 7.8% in 2007 to 11% in 2011. Many more teachers, childcare workers, church volunteers, and even parents wonder if the children in their situations are ADHD. Because of the Read more…
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What a difference a smile makes!
When my grandson was three years old I moved into my daughter’s house and lived there for a year while she was deployed to Afghanistan. I noticed right away, the three year-old smiled all the time. This little kid was one happy little guy. He even smiled most of the time when he was in trouble. His smile and happiness rarely got him Read more…
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What to do when you find yourself in a power struggle with the child of divorce
Have you ever been leading a group of children and everything was going great when all of a sudden you found yourself pulled into a power struggle? Or is there one particular child who constantly argues with you about every little thing? Many times children of divorce seem to excel in power struggles. 3 reasons some kids want to be in a power Read more…
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Question of the week: Help! We have an unruly kid and nothing works. What do we do?
It can be so frustrating when you have one kid or a couple of kids that disrupt the entire group. Everything you’ve learned about classroom management has been tried and the kid is still out of control. I understand. Sometimes you feel like it’s you and perhaps you just need to resign from working with kids. Does any of this sound familiar? This Read more…
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Why children of divorce feel helpless – and how “choices” can help
One of the tragedies of divorce for children is the feeling of helplessness. Many adults who experienced their parents’ divorce report that, as children, they felt powerless and vulnerable. For the children it seems as though everything is out of control. Changing routines People moving out Things and belongings disappearing People disappearing such as neighbors if there is a move And this is Read more…
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Bottom line – kids need boundaries and hope to succeed in life
Single parents need to clearly, positively and assertively communicate boundaries to children. But in order to do this single parents must be able to have boundaries in place for themselves. Why are boundaries and guidelines so important to children? To help you understand the why of boundaries, let’s take a little trip. Let’s say that we have to go to an appointment. Read more…
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Question of the week: How do you discuss the subject of forgiveness with children of divorce?
Forgiveness can be a difficult, sometimes impossible subject to explain when interacting with children who have separated or divorced parents. Some children may have never had forgiveness modeled for them. Others have heard a parent scream sarcastically, such as, “I’m sorry you made me hit you.” These kids have no clue what you are talking about when you say the word “forgiveness.” Read more…
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Champions, cheerleaders, and mentors – oh my! How they can change a child’s life
Recently, I read the book Cheering for the Children by Casey Gwinn. This is an amazing book, and while not written for church leaders or children’s ministers, it is a worthwhile read to anyone ministering to children, especially those who have experienced early trauma, including the divorce of their parents. Gwinn is a man who understands that children hurt by those they love Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a mean or hurtful child?
Many children come across as being mean or hurtful. However, most of these children just need help regulating their behavior. They don’t need consequences and punishments. Let me say it again: they need help regulating their behavior. How do you help a child who comes across as being mean? How do you have empathy for a child who is hurtful to others? I Read more…
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Should you make kids apologize?
I don’t believe in making kids apologize. You may be wondering if you read that correctly. Yes, I said, “I don’t believe in making kids apologize.” Stay with me on this because there are reasons I feel this way. And it is especially true for the child of divorce. Don’t get me wrong—it’s wise to teach children to apologize when they offend Read more…
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“Wook at ME mommy”
“Wook at me. I doing it” is really cute when a little toddler has learned to accomplish a feat, such as slipping on a jacket. We might smile and say something like, “Well, look at you! You put your jacket on. You did it.” Kids of all ages want to be noticed. Even as adults, most of us like to be noticed Read more…
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8 fun and easy tips to help children release stress and get rid of anger
Many children of divorce will experience tremendous stress. These children may express their stress through angry behavior. When a child is stressed and living in the survival mode or the fight or flight part of the brain they are incapable of learning, processing information or functioning in a reasonable manner. It becomes all about surviving in the moment. When you can get Read more…
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Want children free of stress and oozing kindness?
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every little kid who had divorcing parents or had experienced trauma of some sort showed up in your class stress free? Imagine a group where There is no fighting, arguing, or yelling. All the kids want to be involved. They want to form community. They care for one another. The group oozes kindness. Impossible, you say? I beg Read more…
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Can you reach the unlovable child? Yes, and here’s how.
Many children who are unlovable have experienced a crisis such, as the divorce of their parents or the breakup of their cohabiting parents. These children can be standoffish. They hold back and don’t seem to want to get involved in relationships with their leaders at church and school. This makes it difficult to love them and incorporate them into your church family. Connecting Read more…
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How to walk away from a power struggle with a child!
Have you ever been leading a group of children, and everything was going great when all of a sudden, you found yourself pulled into a power struggle? Or is there one particular child who constantly argues with you about every little thing? Many times, children of divorce seem to excel in power struggles. 3 reasons some kids want to be in power struggles Read more…
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Question of the week: Why do you have so much compassion for troubled and disruptive kids?
I It is really very simple—children do to others what has been done to them. Or they are hurting, little children, and their behavior is their voice screaming for help. In DC4K, or DivorceCare for Kids, we see children calming down and bringing their behavior under control when They learn they have a voice. They put a name to their feelings. Someone Read more…
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What would you do with this screaming child?
Recently, a grandmother who has been the primary caregiver for her toddler grandchild contacted me. One evening, her grandchild was returned after spending time with other relatives. When he came in, he rushed over and hugged her, which was his normal ritual. He then looked around her home and began to scream. She proceeded with her normal routine of getting him settled into Read more…
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Do children experience “stages” of divorce?
For years, people who work with children of divorce have wondered what the stages of grief are for these kids. One children’s minister asked me, “How can I help a child of divorce when I don’t know what the stages of grief are? Explain them to me, please.” Many have held onto the stages of grief developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Basically, those stages Read more…
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Children of divorce need YOU to help them manage their behaviors
Children of divorce face many struggles on a daily basis. Because of these adversities, some children of divorce have out-of-control behaviors. It’s not because they want to misbehave or like misbehaving; it is because they are doing the best they can in their state of confusion. Many children of divorce who misbehave are actually seeking external regulation or management. In other words, Read more…
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Question of the week: What are the causes of kids being unruly during and after a divorce?
Many things are happening in children’s lives when their parents separate or divorce. Children don’t understand adult problems, and even though a lot of their friends have divorced parents, many children simply don’t know what the word “divorce” means. All they know is their parents were together, and now one parent is packing up to leave. In Divorced Kids by Laurene Johnson Read more…
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Painful adjustments for the child of divorce when parents move
Have you ever moved to a new home? Remember the excitement of moving into a new place? As you unwrap every item and decide where it will go, you envision your life and your family in this new place. When my Air Force daughter and my son in-law were transferred back to the U.S. from overseas, I came to help with the Read more…
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One simple technique that changes how you discipline kids of divorce, the Safekeeper concept!
Ever heard the phrase “practice makes perfect”? It may be an old, familiar saying, but it is incorrect. It makes no difference how many times you practice something the wrong way; it will still be wrong. Instead, “perfect practice makes perfect.” Allow me to explain how practicing something will help you discipline children of divorce. Many times when working with an out-of-control Read more…
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One HUGE mistake we’ve made with the child of divorce
Often, when kids of divorce show up in your church classes, they may exhibit unruly, out-of-control behavior. Your teachers and volunteers will ask a question like: What on earth could be causing these kids to act like that? They may wonder if there is any discipline in the home at all. However, it is not that the parent is a bad parent or Read more…
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Question of the week: Why doesn’t “time-out work” for the child of divorce?
QUESTION: “We’ve used ‘time-out’ for years in our church, and now I hear you saying it doesn’t work. Please explain why you think it doesn’t work and what alternatives we can use.” Children of divorce have a lot on their minds. Their brains might be on overload just thinking about whose house they are going to after school tomorrow. They may wonder who Read more…
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What to do when one child brings chaos to your class or group
Have you ever been teaching a class or had a group where everything was going smoothly, and then all of a sudden, that child showed up, and everything fell apart? You know what I’m talking about. The frenzied, chaotic child who breezes into your group and brings the outside chaos inside. All of a sudden, bedlam and pandemonium reign. Children of divorce live Read more…
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Question of the Week: When a child of divorce has behavior problems, should I call the parents?
I get asked this question a lot. Usually, it is from a children’s minister or the person overseeing a church event, such as Vacation Bible School. I know immediately if this person has an understanding of children of divorce by whether he does or does not put the “s” on the end of parents. Rarely are children of divorce brought to church by Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a mom whose child has been physically abused?
“We were all so excited when one of our single moms married a man in our church. Little did we know this guy had a history of abuse. One of her little kids was hurt pretty badly by this guy. The state got involved, and she and her children are safe now, but the one who was abused the most has started to Read more…
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Feeling trapped in a blended family
When I was a little kid, we had these fascinating contraptions called Japanese finger traps. I believe they are also called Chinese finger puzzles or Chinese finger cuffs. This novelty toy is a lot of fun for kids. The finger trap is a cylinder-like device. When you put a finger in each end and try to pull your fingers out, the cylinder tightens Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain in kids of divorce Part 7: The heart and head
We’ve discussed a lot about the incredible, amazing brain these past few weeks. Now, I’d like to pull it all together to help you think through how to use brain research to understand the children of divorce. To help you understand the hierarchical organization of the brain, I’m going to break it down into three main sections. Even though we can’t actually break Read more…
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The incredible amazing brain, Part 6: Where and how the brain learns
What if I explained to you that it is possible to have a child of divorce in your class who has a sustained attention span and can empathize with other children in the group? What if I told you that it is possible for the child of trauma to fit into your class and actually be in control of his behavior and Read more…
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The incredible amazing brain, Part 5: Do you love me?
How many times have you had a child ask you, “Do you love me … ’cause I love you?” Those of us working in children’s ministry like to know that the little ones we work with love us. There are reasons some kids need to know and need to be told that you love them. Many children of divorce question if their parents Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain, Part 4: Essential “drugs” to use when ministering to the child of divorce and trauma
I realize many of you want no part of using drugs with kids whose parents have divorced or children who have experienced some sort of trauma. However, the drugs or chemicals I’m introducing here today will help you and make your ministry more effective when you use them. They are all natural, legal, and free. These four drugs have the ability to Affect Read more…
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Incredible amazing brain Part 3: Sweet kid or grumpy kid, which do you prefer?
Ever have a sweet, little kid run up to you, throw his arms around you, and tell you how much he missed you this week? Ever have a grumpy, little kid snarl at you as he enters the classroom? He slides past you, goes over to the corner, and sits down. You already know from past experience that this kid is going to Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain in kids of divorce. Part 2: Applying empathy
What if you could give a child of divorce a magical moment? Many of us look for something good we can do for these children. We understand how stressful living in two homes can be. We understand the chaos these children live in. What if I told you there was a way—a very easy way—for you to make magical moments for the children Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain in the child of divorce, Part 1
I want to share some profound brain science with you in a series of blog posts. Understand this information, and you’ll be better equipped to connect with and relate to the child of divorce and children who have experienced other traumatic events. Don’t let me scare you away. This isn’t leading-edge stuff, but it might be new to you or others in your Read more…
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Clutter stresses children of divorce. What you can do to help them.
Many children of divorce live hectic, frenzied lives. This is partly because they live in two separate homes with different sets of rules, schedules, rituals, and people in the home. At the beginning of the divorce, their stress can be over the top as their minds are filled with chaos. Children with stressed-filled lives need clean, plain, simplistic decoration in their environment. Too Read more…
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Stress-busting tips for kids in divorce
Major stress can send an otherwise normal kid straight into panic mode. Imagine the impact of stress on the child of divorce—or any child of a traumatic situation! Stress is the body’s way of reacting to challenging or frightening events. Clearly, divorce is a major stressor for the children who are impacted. These children become the disruptive kids in your groups. They need Read more…
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Question of the week: Can children of divorce multitask effectively?
Multitasking is the source of many behavior problems that you see in children of divorce. What do I mean by that? Well, hold on as I explain. Recently, while reviewing research on the brain, I read that multitasking is a myth—your brain can only focus on one thing at a time. As I thought about this idea, a lightbulb went off in my Read more…
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Why kids of divorce don’t feel safe (Part 2)
Children of divorce might not trust you. And in children’s ministry, that’s a real problem. I want to show you how to build their trust. Establishing trusting relationships will enable you to meaningfully minister to these kids. Why children of divorce have trouble with trust When children fear something, they want and expect the adults in their lives to protect them and keep Read more…
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Question of the week: Do single parents need family meetings? Should children’s ministers encourage them?
I’ve heard church leaders question the necessity of family meetings for single-parent homes. Some have even asked, “Aren’t these broken homes, so what good would family meetings do?” When it comes to single-parent families, there are some broken homes, and there are emotionally and spiritually healthy homes. Both types can benefit from holding family meetings. 10 reasons to encourage family meetings in single-parent Read more…
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Here are TWO BIG TIPS when ministering to disruptive children of divorce
Children of divorce can be disruptive, and many times, the adult standing in front of them doesn’t know what to do. Here are two really easy techniques to use. Tip #1 Don’t ask the child any question whose answer you already know. It tends to take away the dignity of the child. More than likely, the child knows you know the answer, so Read more…
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Children of divorce need to belong but do they “belong” in your church?
God designed all of us to want to belong. He made us relational and gave us the need to be in relationships. Children of divorce, too, have an innate desire to belong. First and foremost, God wants these children to be in relationship with Him as their Creator, second, with His Son, Jesus Christ, as their Savior, and lastly, with other people. Read more…
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Question of the week: What should I say when a kid says something about court, custody or divorcing parents?
Recently a children’s leader said she has a boy that is disruptive and doesn’t pay attention. In one of the smaller groups last Sunday she overheard him say something about “court”. She said, I don’t know if I should say something to him or ask him any questions. I don’t know anything about his family. Someone drops him off and they don’t check Read more…
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10 ways to use God’s glory to de-stress the child of divorce
I’m always on the lookout for resources that can help us better minister to children of divorce. Right now, I’m reading Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv. This book verifies what I’ve thought for years about stressed-out children: stressed kids and children with ADHD and other behavior disorders need to be outside. Louv says they have a “nature-deficit disorder.” Overall, kids Read more…
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Why does the child of divorce wonder, “Where Will I Sleep Tonight?”
Why do children of divorce wonder, Where will I sleep tonight? These children face many stressful issues, and sometimes wondering where they will lay their head is a big worry. To adults, this might sound a little ridiculous. We all know where we will sleep tonight. Children of divorce, though, do actually worry about this question. Even with a schedule and consistency in Read more…
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Questions single parents have about disciplining their kids: how you can help
Single parents frequently ask me for help disciplining their children. Remember, single parents are doing it alone and have no one in the house to help them parent late at night or during the day. It can get overwhelming, to say the least. Here are eight examples of questions I get about parenting alone. Sometimes, single parents need more in-depth answers depending, Read more…
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10 ways to help kids of divorce when they explode emotionally at church
In our last post “When kids of divorce explode emotionally, how do you help the parent?” we discussed how to help the single parent whose child explodes at home. But what do you do when an emotional explosion happens at church? You can’t send the child to his room. You must handle the explosion at the moment it happens. Many ways we deal Read more…
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When kids of divorce explode emotionally, how do you help the parent?
In ministering to children of divorce and single parents, it is important to realize that single parents might need to quickly change how they discipline. They’ve moved from a two-parent partnership to a one-parent home. What worked before might no longer work for the single parent. It can be scary to parent alone, especially when children exhibit behaviors not normal for them. This Read more…
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Draw your family + a child of divorce = paper ripped to shreds
A kindergarten child was asked to draw a picture of his family. The child started the picture and then ripped it to shreds. The picture above is what was left of the child’s original drawing. An assistant in the room thought the child was being disrespectful and out of control. She was ready to punish the child. When ministering to the children of divorce Read more…
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Co-parenting that hurts kids and what you can do to help
Co-parenting or shared parenting among divorcing couples is becoming more popular. For many children this is a good thing. This means they get to have both parents making life-long decisions for their welfare. It means children can still have family connections with both sides of the family. In our last post, Understanding co-parenting situations we talked about the three different models of co-parenting Read more…
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Understanding co-parenting situations
Co-parenting or shared parenting as it is more commonly called now is becoming the norm for divorcing couples and couples who are involved in cohabitation situations. The marriage or relationship has ended but the family still exists. But what exactly is shared parenting? Shared parenting is when separating couples request the courts to award legal joint custody of minor children to both parents Read more…
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Empowering the helpless and vulnerable child
One of the tragedies of living in fractured families and the break up of a child’s home is the feeling of helplessness. Many adults who experienced the divorce of their parents report that, as children, they felt powerless and vulnerable. We now realize that the loss of dignity was another issue for many of these adults when they were children experiencing the break Read more…
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How to help children maintain dignity
This past weekend found me taking care of a couple kids whose single mom had to work. I really don’t mind these cute little girls spending the day with me at my house. I’ve kind of adopted these elementary age girls as my grandchildren. These girls have had a pretty rough time in their short lives. They were away from their mom for Read more…
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Did you know fear in the child of divorce can cause behavior issues?
Experts tell us that when children feel fear, they aren’t able to learn and absorb information normally. When a child feels unsafe, the “learning brain” begins to power down. Learning becomes difficult if not impossible. Clearly, a child suffering through the divorce of her parents does not feel safe. I’d like to explain how she processes the information you are trying to teach Read more…
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The power of words: how they can help or hurt the child of divorce
Words can be powerful when they are used in the right context. Usage of kind words can motivate children. Unkind and cruel words can hurt children. I’ve seen well-intended words devastate the child of divorce. Let me explain how they might hear things that are said in front of them or things you might say to them. Think of the child of divorce who Read more…
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How can chaos in a child’s environment lead to behavior problems in kids of divorce?
“When my mom told me they were getting a divorce, I got confused. I didn’t understand what divorce was. I just knew my dad was moving out. I didn’t understand he was moving out – moving out. I thought he was visiting a friend for a few weeks. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me and my sister. I was Read more…
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Two big mistakes we make with stressed-out children of divorce!
Many children living in divorcing single parent homes experience tremendous stress leading to some out of control behaviors. When they come to your church, your volunteers question what on earth could be causing these kids to act like this? They may wonder if there is any discipline in the home at all. It is not that their parent is a bad parent or Read more…
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Does divorce create behavior problems in children?
The answer to this question might depend on the person you ask. If you ask a parent who is barely surviving, that answer is going to be “no” simply because they can’t see the behavior problems standing in front of them. These parents are in a fog because it is just the best they can do at the moment. When the third Read more…
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Sleep deprivation can cause behavior problems in kids of divorce
Few people realize that many children of divorce are not getting enough sleep. When you think about it, it does make sense. Children naturally do better in an environment that feels safe, has a schedule along with consistent routines. Dad or mom moves out of the home and nothing is consistent any longer. Many children no longer feel safe and so sleep Read more…
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Is the size of your classroom causing behavior problems in your group?
Within half an hour of arriving in your group, Braden has tripped over a chair, fallen into another kid, walked into the end of a table, and caused mass confusion when he came to the worship time and bumped into several kids already singing and praising the Lord. Friends are frustrated with him. Others are mad at him for hurting them. Volunteers are Read more…
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Helpful tip #3 for starting the school year: The importance of schedules.
All children need schedules and familiar routines but children of divorce especially need someone to advocate the importance of schedules and routines for them. Some children of divorce have several different schedules to follow. Imagine trying to remember what schedule you have to follow and thinking, “Am I at dad’s or mom’s?” Or “Do we take a shower before bed or when Read more…
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Helpful tip for starting a new school year: Kids of divorce and clutter
Many children of divorce live hectic and frenzied lives. This is partly due to the fact that they live in two separate homes have two different sets of rules experience different schedules have different rituals have different people in the home The stress factor is another reason their minds are filled with chaos. Too much stress can confuse us as adults so imagine Read more…
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How to help the child of divorce who has been gone all summer
Summer is almost over in many places. You probably have a lot of kids getting excited about the new school year. You are going to see kids wearing some of their new clothes to church. You might see some of them experimenting with a new backpack or notebook. You’ll hear talk of who gets what teacher and how excited they are or Read more…
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With VBS coming up, attitudes and conversations can make a difference when you have a rambunctious group of kids
Summer is here, and recently I’ve been doing my early morning walk on the beach. In our part of the country we have a beach restoration project going on. This project involves ships, pipes 4 feet in diameter, tractors, backhoes, and other equipment needed to dredge the sand off the bottom of the ocean and pump it up onto the beach. It’s Read more…
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Discipleship ideas for divorcing and single parents
When I’m at children’s ministers conferences I hear many refer to Deuteronomy 6:6–8. They usually explain the importance of parents being responsible to disciple their children based on this Scripture. I think most of us assume parents have the greatest influence on their children. While I agree with that idea, I wonder if we aren’t assuming all children live in a loving, Read more…
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The Infiltration of Whirlwind Kids – What Do You Do?
Have you ever had a class or group and all was going well until …….. that one child walked through the doors? You know what I’m talking about. It’s the child that seems to bring a tornado into the room with them leaving a path of destruction all along the way. You may ask What causes a child to be a whirlwind kid? Read more…
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Positive steps that make a HUGE difference to a child of divorce
Afraid of making a mistake with the child of divorce? Many children’s leaders have shared that they tend to hold back or shy away from children of divorce simply because they are afraid of making things worse for the child. Next time you face such fears, think to yourself, “How much worse can anything be than to watch the two people in Read more…
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5 ways to help the child of divorce with behavior issues
Have you ever wondered if as adults we talk too much to children who are misbehaving? We explain, rationalize and think they are listening. However, most children will tune you out after a few seconds. The following tips will help you to use fewer words but still positively impact a child’s behavior. Preventative measures work best. Know in advance what you want the kids Read more…
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A preschool child questions, “Where did he go?”
The teacher looked on as four-year old Elsa clung to her mom and screamed, “Don’t weave me mommy. Please don’t weave me.” The teacher was confused because little Elsa had always loved coming to her Sunday school class. Mom seemed at a loss as to how to comfort Elsa and get her into the class. The teacher gradually moved into the scene and Read more…
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Why should we have compassion for troubled and disruptive kids?
It is really very simple – a child does to others what has been done to them. Or they are hurting little children and their behavior is their voice screaming for help. Another reason is they need someone to love them and give them the caring and loving attention little children need. Children aren’t born mean. There may be some predispositions such as Read more…
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“Pastor, what do I do when my child …?” (Solutions to ten challenging single-parent discipline situations)
When one is parenting alone, there is no one to help late at night or on a day-to-day basis when discipline situations arise. It can get overwhelming, to say the least. As church leaders, you can be of great assistance to single parents when you understand the many issues involved in parenting alone. Following are some typical questions single parents have Read more…
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How Divorce Affects Preschool Age Children
As a three to five year old child it is hard to understand what is happening when one parent moves out of the home. Parents may have told the child they were getting a divorce and daddy (or mommy) was moving out but a child has no concept of what this means or what the word divorce means. This leaves the child in Read more…
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Combining Daylight Savings Time with Halloween = YIKES!
Many adults give a big sigh when it comes to the thought that they can get an extra night of sleep this year on November 1st. Single parents, who are almost always sleep deprived, certainly welcome the idea of an extra hour of sleep. This year, however, the night before we switch our clocks back an hour comes that infamous and child-centered celebration Read more…
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5 ways to be intentional in ministry to children of divorce
1. Be mentally prepared for for those times when children whose parents are starting the divorce process show up in one of your groups. Tell yourself in advance that when you learn a child’s parents have separated that you take a deep breath; be in the moment and you pray over the child quietly. You also need to keep shock from registering on your Read more…
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The power of encouragement to the child of divorce
Have you ever thought about the power of encouragement? Most of us try to encourage children that come to our church. We do this because We want to build confidence within the child. We want to promote a relationship with the child so we can help them eventually foster a relationship with Jesus Christ. We want to stimulate them spiritually so they will Read more…