Archive for the ‘Co-parenting’ Category
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Single Parents: Summer months can be very complicated for your children
Summer months can become very sticky, messy, and complicated for mothers, fathers, and children in divorced families and single-parent homes. Divorce decrees can mandate that when school is out, and the children visit the other parent for extended periods of time. They may stay several weeks or even all summer with the other parent. In places with year-round school, the children might stay Read more…
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Gaming addiction and kids of divorce
Today’s post is by guest author Linda Alderfer, DC4K director and ministry coach. Why do children’s ministers and DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) leaders need to be aware of gaming addiction? Excessive use of video games can become a trap (an addiction) kids get caught in as they try to escape their emotional turmoil. Experts have found that excessive gaming leads to addiction Read more…
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15 fears and worries single parents face
Recently in our Single and Parenting class we covered the question, “What fears and worries do you have raising your children by yourself?” Our group was quick to share from their hearts. I’ve asked this question many times at workshops and seminars. Here are some answers I’ve garnered over the years How would I keep my kids safe? When my kids lived close Read more…
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Regarding Father’s Day: Single dads are dads too!
This month I’d like to bring emphasis to the single dads in our world today. Let’s start by thinking about single dads and Father’s Day. Father’s Day is set aside to celebrate the father’s in our world. Some children of divorce may not have a close relationship with their father. Perhaps the Lord has provided another person to play that father role. Read more…
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The Easter Bunny arrives right on cue!
Easter was only a week away. Everywhere you looked there were Easter displays. Many churches were planning an Easter egg hunt or Easter celebrations the next Saturday. Kids in my preschool and after-school program were hyped about Easter games, Easter baskets, Easter candy, and Easter, Easter, Easter. In my program were three children who were not excited about all this Easter stuff. Read more…
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Why are behavior problems compounded when there is a divorce?
I get asked this questions all the time: “Why do behavior problems escalate when there is a divorce.” Having divorcing parens creates a lot of confusion in many children, not all children but in many children. To a little kid there are crazy things start happening when parents separate or divorce. The child doesn’t understand adult problems and even though a lot of Read more…
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Question of the week: Do you have any advice for parents to help children who rotate between two homes?
I was recently asked this question on Facebook. I know nothing about the individual situation that prompted this question so I can only answer in generalities. Here are a few ideas that will help all children. Share them with the single parents you know and minister to: Keep a calendar in a prominent place so the child can see it. Remind the Read more…
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Understanding visitation arrangements
I attend a lot of children and family ministry conferences. I’m also part of several KidMin Facebook pages so I get a lot of questions about children of divorce. Here are three questions children’s pastors asked about visitation issues. I understand the ‘every other weekend’ visitation schedule. I understand a child visiting the other parent on holidays and during the summer. But we Read more…
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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies
Children of divorce have a lot of questions to ask but many times they don’t know whom to ask. If or when they do get up the courage to ask their questions, many are told lies. Or maybe they aren’t really lies but “half-truths.” Children need the truth– not lies or made up stories. I have always advocated that children be told the Read more…
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Why the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” policy doesn’t work with the child of divorce
One popular discipline policy churches use is what is called the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” policy. In theory it sounds reasonable but for many hurting children it is not reasonable or even fair. It goes something like this; the child doesn’t obey the rules, is unruly or is disrespectful in some manner and the count down starts. Strike 1: The first time Read more…
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Be an encourager for the little people this holiday season
When I was growing up, we went to my grandmother’s for holiday events. I remember when our entire family, including all the cousins, came together at Christmas, there were always two eating areas. One was in the kitchen at the kitchen table, and that’s where all the kids or, as my grandfather would say, “the little people” would eat. At the nice dining-room Read more…
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Successful communication tips when talking to children
It’s important to know what not to say, what to say, and how to say it. Recently I published a post about focusing on what you want more of. I got several private messages with questions and what if situations. Much of the people wanted to know more about controlling behaviors by the way you speak. What not to say “Okay?” at the Read more…
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The legacy impact of divorce on children
Divorce often has a profound lifetime effect on the child of divorce. While not all divorce-related legacies affect every child, most children will have some repercussions from the dissolution of the parent’s marriage. Divorce affects every child differently – even children in the same families. Following are some of the short-term legacies that most children experience. Short-term Intense stress Overwhelming emotions Constant fear Read more…
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How puppies can help you understand little kids in divorced homes
About three years ago, we got a cute, little puppy. She was from a rescue organization, and she was not quite twelve weeks when we brought her home. She was a just a little mutt but still cute nonetheless. She was all white, fluffy, and just the sweetest, little thing. Oh, how I fell in love with her. She wasn’t without trials, Read more…
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Need tips to help a child transition to the other parent’s home for the summer?
Depending on where you live, children will be getting out of school in the next few days and weeks. This means many children will be traveling across the country or town to spend the summer with their other parent. How do children’s pastors and church leaders help these kids have a good send-off? You may want them to understand you will miss Read more…
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Question of the week: What custody arrangement is best for the children?
People ask me this question quite often. Usually, they are children’s ministry leaders or church leaders who don’t have much experience with divorce or single-parenting issues. Nationally, there is a huge debate on this issue. Let’s take a step back in history to help you understand some of the issues in this debate. In 1969, when then-Governor Ronald Reagan signed the no-fault divorce Read more…
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Help bring predictability to the child of divorce
Children of divorce need predictability in their lives. This means it’s very important that children of divorce know they can depend on specific things happening at specific times. They often perceive their lives as out of control and in disarray. Here’s why predictability is important: Predictability lends itself to security. Unlike routines, rituals involve a special feeling of connecting with another human being. Read more…
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A child carries the treasures of his life hidden in his pocket
When children lose connections with important people in their lives, they may become attached to their “things.” Things and possessions bring a sense of comfort, control, and order to children’s lives. These things become substitutes for deep connections with parents and other loved ones. They replace many of the rituals they held important before life changed. I had the privilege of knowing one Read more…
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Question of the week: What is the emotional glue that helps single parents stay connected to the kids?
“I’ve heard you speak at children’s ministry conferences about rituals and the child of divorce. What I want to know is why rituals are so important for the child of divorce.” Almost all children are ritual-makers. They automatically create rituals when they say hello or goodbye and in many other situations. Rituals help children connect with the people in their lives, whether Read more…
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Question of the week: What are the causes of kids being unruly during and after a divorce?
Many things are happening in children’s lives when their parents separate or divorce. Children don’t understand adult problems, and even though a lot of their friends have divorced parents, many children simply don’t know what the word “divorce” means. All they know is their parents were together, and now one parent is packing up to leave. In Divorced Kids by Laurene Johnson Read more…
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Question of the week: What precautions should we take when publishing pictures of children in our ministries– especially kids of divorce?
The other day, I was on a children’s ministry Facebook group. This is a closed group where children’s ministers discuss … children’s ministry things. The discussion was about publishing pictures of kids in different church activities on social media. As I read all of the ideas about how to obtain permission and handle things, it was clear that hardly anyone was discussing how Read more…
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“Breakthrough” strategy for single parent and blended family success
What if I shared with you that you have the power to change interactions between parents and children in single-parent and blended-family homes? What if this I told you it is a suggestion that single parents and blended parents can incorporate very easily into their schedule? What is this miracle I’m talking about that will change children’s lives and help single dads and Read more…
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How long is a “minute” for the child of divorce?
For children of divorce, a minute can feel like an eternity, or it can zip by at lightning speed. Their perception of time’s passage is colored by the events in their lives—visitation with the other parent or the pain of a particular situation. Why? Let me paint a picture for you. A typical conversation in the house of an eight-year-old boy on Read more…
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Co-parenting that hurts kids and what you can do to help
Co-parenting or shared parenting among divorcing couples is becoming more popular. For many children this is a good thing. This means they get to have both parents making life-long decisions for their welfare. It means children can still have family connections with both sides of the family. In our last post, Understanding co-parenting situations we talked about the three different models of co-parenting Read more…
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Understanding co-parenting situations
Co-parenting or shared parenting as it is more commonly called now is becoming the norm for divorcing couples and couples who are involved in cohabitation situations. The marriage or relationship has ended but the family still exists. But what exactly is shared parenting? Shared parenting is when separating couples request the courts to award legal joint custody of minor children to both parents Read more…
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Are children of divorce resilient?
Back in the seventies when the divorce rate skyrocketed everyone was saying, “Children are resilient.” Many parents banked on their kids being resilient. Now all these years later we are finding that many of those so-called “resilient kids” were not so resilient after all. Many of the kids of divorce from that era are now adults and they are struggling in their Read more…
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Sleep deprivation can cause behavior problems in kids of divorce
Few people realize that many children of divorce are not getting enough sleep. When you think about it, it does make sense. Children naturally do better in an environment that feels safe, has a schedule along with consistent routines. Dad or mom moves out of the home and nothing is consistent any longer. Many children no longer feel safe and so sleep Read more…
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Divorce — the storm that devastates and keeps on devastating
When divorce became a trend in the early 1970s, we were told that children were resilient. If Mom and Dad were happy after the divorce, the kids would be okay. Over the years, however, we have learned that divorce affects children’s lives in deep, intense ways. Divorce is a storm that devastates the child’s family and the child’s life. Dr. Judith Wallerstein, a Read more…
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Should single parents quiz their kids about life at the other parent’s home?
I caution single parents to be careful about questioning what goes on in the other home. Kids of divorce can very quickly discern they have the “power” and will use it as a game. They may delight in watching you squirm as they tattle on the other parent. They will do the same at the other home. If you have allowed this game to get started, Read more…
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How do I help a single dad whose kids live with their emotionally unhealthy mother?
This article stems from an email I got several months ago. Here is that email. I have been divorced for three years. My ex-wife no longer practices the morals and/or values in which I believe. In short, my ex-wife is an expert at covert manipulation (toward the kids) and causing problems. She’s like a pyromaniac setting a house on fire then going to Read more…
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Tips to help the alienated parent maintain the parent-child relationship
It’s hard to understand all of the issues involved in parental alienation. We’ve learned parental alienation is real. It hurts to the core of parenting. It devastates the parent-child relationship. It is a very difficult concept for church leaders to understand and even harder to encourage the alienated parent. Alienated parents very much need the church family to walk alongside them during this Read more…
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What is shared parenting, and how does it affect the children in your ministry?
Riley has just started attending your church. She seems to be a happy kid. She talks freely about her mom and dad and even mentions them in the same sentence at times, as in, “My mom and dad both like that new restaurant.” So you are surprised when one day Riley says something about her dad’s house. You go to your files and Read more…
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How to help kids who don’t want to visit the other parent
Several of you dealing with children of divorce who don’t want to visit the other parent requested this particular subject. One children’s church leader reported that after a visit to the other parent’s home, “The kids come back to us shut down, nontalkative, and in need of love.” She went on to report another family’s situation, “Another set of my kids love their Read more…
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A preschool child questions, “Where did he go?”
The teacher looked on as four-year old Elsa clung to her mom and screamed, “Don’t weave me mommy. Please don’t weave me.” The teacher was confused because little Elsa had always loved coming to her Sunday school class. Mom seemed at a loss as to how to comfort Elsa and get her into the class. The teacher gradually moved into the scene and Read more…
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How to teach children of divorce about love and marriage, pt. 2
Using Scripture, the plumb line for relationships. After modeling and demonstrating what love is, (part 1) church leadership can help children, teens, and even adult children of divorce understand what a marriage relationship plumb line looks like. Ephesians 5:21–33 is a starting point. Use that passage to help them see that: God wants husbands to love their wives by serving them. (Eph. 5:25, 33) Read more…
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Effects of Divorce on Teens and How Mobile Devices Can Complicate Healing
Divorce for teenagers is difficult at best. Now in the world of smart phones and other mobile devices divorce seems to be more open. These devices allow teens to express themselves with clarity never experienced before. It’s easy to fire off an angry text to a dad who has caused the divorce due to his infidelity. It’s easy to curse via a text Read more…
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Changing family structures: how they affect your church’s Christmas celebrations
♫♫ “Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat Please put a penny in the old man’s hat If you haven’t got a penny, a ha’penny will do, If you haven’t got a ha’penny then God bless you” ♫♫ This was once a popular Christmas song. It was comprised in the nineteenth century by an unknown author. It was a song that used Read more…
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“Pastor, what do I do when my child …?” (Solutions to ten challenging single-parent discipline situations)
When one is parenting alone, there is no one to help late at night or on a day-to-day basis when discipline situations arise. It can get overwhelming, to say the least. As church leaders, you can be of great assistance to single parents when you understand the many issues involved in parenting alone. Following are some typical questions single parents have Read more…
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Effects of Divorce on the 6, 7 and 8 year-old Child
Children in the early grades of elementary school are struggling to fit into two worlds – home and school. Her intellect is expanding rapidly and she is learning how the world operates. He is developing a sense of humor but is terrified at being laughed at by his peers. Divorce unsettles this newfound independence with this life at school and outside the family. Read more…
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How Divorce Affects Preschool Age Children
As a three to five year old child it is hard to understand what is happening when one parent moves out of the home. Parents may have told the child they were getting a divorce and daddy (or mommy) was moving out but a child has no concept of what this means or what the word divorce means. This leaves the child in Read more…
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How Divorce Affects Children
To a child, the divorce of their parents can be likened to a tsunami that strikes their lives and leaves destruction and havoc in its wake. Nothing is ever the same again. The divorce will affect the child for many years to come. Divorce impacts future generations within the family • In some families divorce is cyclical. • Children lose access to grandparents Read more…
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The power of encouragement to the child of divorce
Have you ever thought about the power of encouragement? Most of us try to encourage children that come to our church. We do this because We want to build confidence within the child. We want to promote a relationship with the child so we can help them eventually foster a relationship with Jesus Christ. We want to stimulate them spiritually so they will Read more…
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Back-to-school tips for the divorcing parent
When a couple divorces, many times they attempt to keep the breakup quiet. Perhaps they are embarrassed– or feel it a private matter. More than likely though, one or both spouse are so overwhelmed with a range of decisions and emotions they are coping with that they don’t think about telling other people. Often, schoolteachers are among the last to know. In a recent study 94% of teachers surveyed Read more…
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Kids are blunt when they talk about why parents shouldn’t get divorced
I have worked with children of divorce for over forty years. I’ve heard some conversations that would curl your hair. I’ve also heard stories of tenderness and tales of heartbreak. Several times I have asked children of divorce, “If you had a chance to tell your parents, and other adults something about divorce, what would you say?” Some kids are blunt and say, “Don’t Read more…
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When kids of divorce play the “but” card
“But Dad wouldn’t do it that way.” “But mom lets us have ice cream before bed.” “But dad said if we didn’t want to go to bed early we don’t have to. He said so.” “But mom said we have to do our homework as soon as we get home. She said if it’s a problem for you to call her.” Children who Read more…
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Question of the week: What things should divorcing couples not be posting on social media?
Recently Brian Dollar, a Children’s Pastor and blogger, wrote on the subject of posting on Social Media and tweeting. The “T.H.I.N.K. Before You Post/Tweet” had some excellent ideas in it. Brian is also a friend of mine and he has given me permission to use excerpts from his post but really everyone should go to Brian’s site and read the entire post. Here Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a child whose single parent moves a lot?
Moving is hard any way you label it. Recently we moved into a new home. Now I’m an adult and I understand in my mind the logistics of moving. I know things must be packed up and carted to the other home I know about packing and unpacking so things don’t get broke I know to be organized so things don’t get out of Read more…
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What buzzed you? Our top-10 blog posts
We just celebrated the first anniversary of our Kids and Divorce Blog. It gave me a great excuse to step back and look at what got the most attention in a year’s worth of posts. I want to share that information with you. “Effects of divorce on the 6, 7 and 8 year old children” was read more than any other post. It Read more…