Archive for the ‘Stress’ Category
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Red zones in schools, churches, and homes—when kids don’t feel safe!
Ever heard of the “Red Zone?” Many of us understand that when something enters the red zone, it can prove to be a daunting situation. For example, if your car overheats, and the temperature gauge moves into the red zone, it’s important to check the engine to see what’s going on. Otherwise, the car may overheat or cause a fire, and you Read more…
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Creative tips to use when living with or ministering to a traumatized child
In another blog, “Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?” I presented how children might act when exposed to various crises. Today let’s look at what we can do when ministering to, living with, or working with a child that has been traumatized. What to do When dealing with unruly children change from thinking or asking, “What’s wrong with you?” to Read more…
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How to help single parents de-stress their children
In another post, we talked about using nature at church to help de-stress children of divorce. It’s a lonely world out there when you’re parenting alone, and your kid gets stressed out by something you have no control over. It is good to have a few suggestions on hand to help single parents. When I was a single parent, my kids and Read more…
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Today’s kids are experiencing a world full of trauma. Is your church trauma-informed?
In our world today, many children experience early childhood trauma. Through a lot of research, we now know that childhood trauma can affect children for the rest of their lives. ACEs too High explains in several articles and research reviews how trauma in early childhood can affect kids’ behavior and health during childhood and cause lifelong problems. We know early trauma causes Read more…
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Suicide myths: Learning the truths
This is the third article in this series on suicide in children. The first asked the question, “Do elementary age children seriously die by suicide?” The second was, “A call for help”. In this article, we separate the truths from the myths of suicide. It is important to truly understand all aspects of suicide in children so we can help them have a Read more…
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Gaming addiction and kids of divorce
Today’s post is by guest author Linda Alderfer, DC4K director and ministry coach. Why do children’s ministers and DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) leaders need to be aware of gaming addiction? Excessive use of video games can become a trap (an addiction) kids get caught in as they try to escape their emotional turmoil. Experts have found that excessive gaming leads to addiction Read more…
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Why kids of divorce don’t feel safe and what you can do about it
Here is where many of us go wrong, we expect the child of divorce, who is caught up in an emotional train wreck, to function like any other kid. Doing school work, memorizing Scripture, answering questions about stories, and behaving appropriately may be almost impossible for children of divorce. Why? Their bodies are poised to respond to outside stimuli and interactions with fear. Read more…
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How Daylight Savings Time will affect kids of divorce
Next week, when we go on daylight savings time children, will rise an hour earlier. Most of them will rise while it is still dark outside. Some will have to wait on school buses in the dark. Monday all these children are going to arrive at school a little flustered and sleepy. It will take a few days or even weeks for Read more…
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Take precautions – infectious virus
Coronavirus and pandemic are words being cast around the world right now. People are scared. You can hear it in the almost panic voices of the news media as they expound on the coronavirus crisis. Being in children’s ministry, I naturally think about the children in our communities. To be specific, I think about the children in single-parent families. Kids of divorce are Read more…
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Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?
Are you are aware of the many crises children today experience? A trauma-informed church understands how a crisis affects a child. Experiencing a life crisis can lead to some children exhibiting particular characteristics of being “traumatized?” Definitions of crisis and trauma A crisis is an event – a disaster, the emergency, the calamity, or predicament. Trauma is the result of experiencing a crisis Read more…
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Why kids won’t tell their stories
Recently I posted an article about why kids need to tell their stories. It is very important for kids to talk and tell stories about the breakup of their family. Unfortunately, there are several reasons why they won’t attempt to talk and share what is happening to them. Did you notice I said, “Won’t attempt to talk?” Some kids become mute when they are with Read more…
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Why do kids of divorce need to tell their stories?
If you read this blog often you have read, “kids need to tell their stories.” Why do I continually say this. Is it really that important for kids to talk about their lives? Is it important to bring up things that are currently happening in their daily lives? Absolutely it is and here’s why. I’ve read several books about adult children of divorce and many Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part II
In Part 1 of “A class without stickers and rewards” we presented the downside to rewarding children and how rewards created “other control.” Today, let’s examine how many people use various reward systems for behavior issues. Sometimes we think handing a reward to each child that behaves will encourage the out of control kids to think about their behavior. The problem is most kids Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part I
First let me say that I like stickers. I think stickers are fun crazy and whimsical. I know many of you are tied to your stickers and rewards. I understand. Handing out rewards has been a mainstay in children’s ministry for a long time. What I want to present in this post is how do you have a class without stickers or other Read more…
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He stomped in and plopped down in a chair. It was going to be a wild ride!
Ever had a child stomp into a room and when you tried to greet him he turned his back and plopped himself down in a chair? Most of have experienced something like this. Oh the way the child entered the room may have been different, but you knew the minute you saw the child it was going to be one of “those” days with Read more…
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He was so angry he couldn’t sit still!
Ever seen a kid so mad about his parent’s separation or divorce that he couldn’t even sit still for a minute? I had a nine year-old boy like this last a few years ago. He started our DC4K group in September and he oozed anger. He literally couldn’t make his body be still. Anger was etched on his face. Anger was in his movements. Read more…
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Have you ever played the Baggage Game?
Have you ever thought about the baggage a child of divorce carries around with them? I’m not talking about the backpacks or suitcases. I’m talking about the heavy stuff, the emotional stuff the things that weigh down their minds and make their hearts heavy. When I’m out doing workshops for children’s ministers and church leaders I like to have the participants play Read more…
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Are hungry hearts listening?
Hungry hearts have no ears. This was a phrase that Ms. Kennedy, an elementary teacher, used to tell the parents of children in her class about the importance of proper nutrition and having enough to eat. After reading a research project that was conducted at the Anthony Elementary School in Leavenworth, Kansas, this above phrase makes more sense to me. The study at Anthony Read more…
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When nothing seems right in your ministry, what do you do?
One time I was working with the cutest little single dad family. There were three children. Michael was the middle child in between two bossy sisters. One morning he was really grouchy. Nothing was right. His clothes bothered him. He didn’t like his breakfast. His paper kept moving around when he was trying to draw a picture. He was mad at both sisters. Read more…
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Emotional concussions can be just as lethal, and sometimes even more so, than a physical concussion
Have you ever considered the term emotional concussion? Have you ever thought about what might be involved in an emotional concussion? Emotional concussions occur when young children Live in homes controlled by alcohol, drugs, explosive tempers Live in homes full of stress Live with dysfunctional adults Have exposure to people who are physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abusive Experience the divorce of their parents From Read more…
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How silence shatters dreams for the child of divorce
Every child has dreams and when parents divorce or break up, silence from the adults in their lives can tend to destroy the dreams in a normal child centered environment. All children are self-centered. That’s how God made us – to depend on our parents and other adults. However, when there is a crisis such as a divorce, kids need people to talk Read more…
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Veterans Day and the military kid of divorce
From the article, What is Veterans Day we read, “Veterans Day is an American federal holiday celebrated each year on November eleventh. The day honors those who have served in the United States military.” This year Veterans Day fell on Sunday so many locations are celebrating today, Monday November 12th. In our area, which is a huge military area, schools are out and all of Read more…
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Got grouchy kids this week?
What are the two most difficult days out of the entire year for the child of divorce? Want to try and guess what they are? Christmas? Thanksgiving? Valentines Day? Halloween? Birthday? Did you pick any of the above? These are all good guesses and for many children some of these days are difficult. But the two days that cause havoc with the Read more…
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Responses to “What you focus on you get more of”
Recently I published a blog post about the importance of focusing on what we want kids to do and not on what we don’t want them to do. In the article I state, “I focus on how I want the kids to act and how they should behave. I set the expectations and standards early on, like the minute they walk into our Read more…
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5 Misperceptions About Children of Divorce and Their Families
In order to minister to children of divorce, we have to understand them. Unfortunately, many people who minister to these children hold some common misperceptions about children of divorce and their families. They might not realize the extent to which these children are hurting. The following are five misperceptions people have shared with me about children of divorce and their families: “These kids Read more…
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Fidgety kids, ADHD kids, and kids who can’t sit still, oh my!
It appears our society has a real big problem with fidgety kids and kids who can’t sit still. More children are being diagnosed ADHD, Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. Children being diagnosed with ADHD went from 7.8% in 2007 to 11% in 2011. Many more teachers, childcare workers, church volunteers, and even parents wonder if the children in their situations are ADHD. Because of the Read more…
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A big problem for our future – 40% of children lack secure attachment
Many infants who live in a stressed single-parent home face attachment issues. The single parent, which could be a mom or a dad, might be in a state of shock and barely surviving. They take the child to childcare, work a full day, pick up the child, and stumble home. Hoping the childcare is giving adequate care, they may feed the child and Read more…
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What a difference a smile makes!
When my grandson was three years old I moved into my daughter’s house and lived there for a year while she was deployed to Afghanistan. I noticed right away, the three year-old smiled all the time. This little kid was one happy little guy. He even smiled most of the time when he was in trouble. His smile and happiness rarely got him Read more…
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Question of the week: Help! We have an unruly kid and nothing works. What do we do?
It can be so frustrating when you have one kid or a couple of kids that disrupt the entire group. Everything you’ve learned about classroom management has been tried and the kid is still out of control. I understand. Sometimes you feel like it’s you and perhaps you just need to resign from working with kids. Does any of this sound familiar? This Read more…
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Why children of divorce feel helpless – and how “choices” can help
One of the tragedies of divorce for children is the feeling of helplessness. Many adults who experienced their parents’ divorce report that, as children, they felt powerless and vulnerable. For the children it seems as though everything is out of control. Changing routines People moving out Things and belongings disappearing People disappearing such as neighbors if there is a move And this is Read more…
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Champions, cheerleaders, and mentors – oh my! How they can change a child’s life
Recently, I read the book Cheering for the Children by Casey Gwinn. This is an amazing book, and while not written for church leaders or children’s ministers, it is a worthwhile read to anyone ministering to children, especially those who have experienced early trauma, including the divorce of their parents. Gwinn is a man who understands that children hurt by those they love Read more…
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Are you leaving children at the foot of the cross?
Several years ago, I had a man tell me, “Don’t leave these kids from divorced homes at the foot of the cross!” I wasn’t sure I’d heard what he said, so I asked him to repeat it. Don’t leave these kids of divorce at the foot of the cross! This was very confusing to me. I had to ask what on Read more…
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Children caught in the middle
Allow me to share this story I think will help you understand how hard it sometimes is to move forward in life. One spring day, I was walking in my neighborhood. As I rounded the curve, I noticed a little girl who looked to be about five years old playing outside while her mom worked in the yard. When I came back Read more…
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Things I wish my teachers at church knew….
Several years ago, a lot of attention on social media was given to a teacher, Kyle Schwartz. She didn’t know much about the students in her class, so she set out to find out about them by asking, “I wish my teacher knew … .” She instructed the students to write their responses. The results from that one simple question astounded her. One Read more…
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It’s hard when kids leave for visitation. How can you help the single parent?
This is a tough issue. I have to confess I didn’t handle this one very well when I was a single parent. The first few times my children left for the weekend, I was lost and hurting. I have learned over the years how to approach this dilemma. This is one of those issues that unless you’ve experienced it or walked with Read more…
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Need tips to help a child transition to the other parent’s home for the summer?
Depending on where you live, children will be getting out of school in the next few days and weeks. This means many children will be traveling across the country or town to spend the summer with their other parent. How do children’s pastors and church leaders help these kids have a good send-off? You may want them to understand you will miss Read more…
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Children of divorce: caught in the middle
On my morning walk, I noticed two birds chirping very loudly. One bird was on the right side of the street. The other bird was on the left side of the street. It seemed to me that they were conversing with each other. The one on the right chirped almost as if it were yelling. Then the bird on the left Read more…
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8 fun and easy tips to help children release stress and get rid of anger
Many children of divorce will experience tremendous stress. These children may express their stress through angry behavior. When a child is stressed and living in the survival mode or the fight or flight part of the brain they are incapable of learning, processing information or functioning in a reasonable manner. It becomes all about surviving in the moment. When you can get Read more…
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How does a single mom survive parenting alone while also coping with cancer
Parenting alone can be a tough journey when one doesn’t feel well. Most single parents continue to go to work when they don’t feel well, so they can save their sick days for when their children are sick. But what happens when they face life-threatening illnesses such as cancer? I know there were a few times in my single-parent life when I got Read more…
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Question of the week: How do you prepare your child for the disruption of their schedule?
Anyone who ministers to children of divorce will come across this issue at some point. Most of these kids struggle with chaotic schedules. Even as they need consistency, they cope with unstable and fluid timetables, a byproduct of separation or divorce. Past posts have addressed the importance of consistent schedules for children of divorce. At the beginning of the school year, there Read more…
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Want children free of stress and oozing kindness?
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every little kid who had divorcing parents or had experienced trauma of some sort showed up in your class stress free? Imagine a group where There is no fighting, arguing, or yelling. All the kids want to be involved. They want to form community. They care for one another. The group oozes kindness. Impossible, you say? I beg Read more…
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Question of the week: Which Bible passage will help me with the challenges of ministering to the child of divorce?
Recently, I was visiting with a children’s minister. She was overwhelmed with some children in her church who were experiencing the divorce of their parents. Some were displaying exasperating, out-of-control behaviors. She sounded like she was about ready to throw in the towel and walk away. We recognize this as burnout. We all get that way sometimes. You know what I’m talking Read more…
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Two kinds of “nesting” for kids of divorce
“Nesting” is a term often used by family courts, lawyers, and divorcing parents. It means parents continue to share a residence after divorce for the sake of their children. The parents stay at the family home with the children when it is their scheduled visitation time. The other parent stays someplace else during that time. The thought behind doing this is that staying Read more…
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A child carries the treasures of his life hidden in his pocket
When children lose connections with important people in their lives, they may become attached to their “things.” Things and possessions bring a sense of comfort, control, and order to children’s lives. These things become substitutes for deep connections with parents and other loved ones. They replace many of the rituals they held important before life changed. I had the privilege of knowing one Read more…
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Question of the week: What is the emotional glue that helps single parents stay connected to the kids?
“I’ve heard you speak at children’s ministry conferences about rituals and the child of divorce. What I want to know is why rituals are so important for the child of divorce.” Almost all children are ritual-makers. They automatically create rituals when they say hello or goodbye and in many other situations. Rituals help children connect with the people in their lives, whether Read more…
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Children of divorce need YOU to help them manage their behaviors
Children of divorce face many struggles on a daily basis. Because of these adversities, some children of divorce have out-of-control behaviors. It’s not because they want to misbehave or like misbehaving; it is because they are doing the best they can in their state of confusion. Many children of divorce who misbehave are actually seeking external regulation or management. In other words, Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a young child with separation anxiety due to the parents’ divorce?
We have a young mom whose husband left a few weeks ago. This family has attended our church since before the child was born. He is now 2 years old. Since the dad left, this toddler screams and holds on to his mom’s neck when she tries to bring him into the nursery. We usually end up asking the mom to leave her Read more…
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Painful adjustments for the child of divorce when parents move
Have you ever moved to a new home? Remember the excitement of moving into a new place? As you unwrap every item and decide where it will go, you envision your life and your family in this new place. When my Air Force daughter and my son in-law were transferred back to the U.S. from overseas, I came to help with the Read more…
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Question of the week: Can you help me understand life in the single-parent home?
One family minister sent me an email with the following: I’ve been ministering to some single parents in our church. It seems like they continue to just spin out of control all the time. We get one situation cleaned up, and something else pops up on the radar. He went on to give a list of situations these single parents had experienced: Read more…
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Question of the week: Why are some kids of divorce excited about school while others aren’t?
It seems we have several kids of divorce who just aren’t excited about school. Other kids of divorce seem over-the-top excited. What’s the deal with these kids? It seems like I’m on a merry-go-round, and I’m not sure when to get off and which kids need my help the most. Kids who don’t want to go to school Many children of divorce are Read more…
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One simple technique that changes how you discipline kids of divorce, the Safekeeper concept!
Ever heard the phrase “practice makes perfect”? It may be an old, familiar saying, but it is incorrect. It makes no difference how many times you practice something the wrong way; it will still be wrong. Instead, “perfect practice makes perfect.” Allow me to explain how practicing something will help you discipline children of divorce. Many times when working with an out-of-control Read more…
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One HUGE mistake we’ve made with the child of divorce
Often, when kids of divorce show up in your church classes, they may exhibit unruly, out-of-control behavior. Your teachers and volunteers will ask a question like: What on earth could be causing these kids to act like that? They may wonder if there is any discipline in the home at all. However, it is not that the parent is a bad parent or Read more…
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What to do when one child brings chaos to your class or group
Have you ever been teaching a class or had a group where everything was going smoothly, and then all of a sudden, that child showed up, and everything fell apart? You know what I’m talking about. The frenzied, chaotic child who breezes into your group and brings the outside chaos inside. All of a sudden, bedlam and pandemonium reign. Children of divorce live Read more…
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How to help the child of divorce when families blend
When children of divorce are being raised in a two-parent home, most people call these two-parent homes stepfamilies or blended families. Blending two completely different families takes time—and much effort on the part of the parents and children in the new family. And remember, there are two additional “other” parents outside the family trying to blend. Quite often, those of us in children’s ministry Read more…
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Feeling trapped in a blended family
When I was a little kid, we had these fascinating contraptions called Japanese finger traps. I believe they are also called Chinese finger puzzles or Chinese finger cuffs. This novelty toy is a lot of fun for kids. The finger trap is a cylinder-like device. When you put a finger in each end and try to pull your fingers out, the cylinder tightens Read more…
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10 Suggestions to help children acclimate after returning home from visitation
Recently, I received the following question from a church leader who works with single parents and children: “I have a single mom whose young children, ages three and five, have been visiting their dad for the last six weeks. They come back Saturday. Do you have any advice I can give her as they transition back into her home?” First of all, I Read more…
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The incredible amazing brain, Part 6: Where and how the brain learns
What if I explained to you that it is possible to have a child of divorce in your class who has a sustained attention span and can empathize with other children in the group? What if I told you that it is possible for the child of trauma to fit into your class and actually be in control of his behavior and Read more…
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The incredible, amazing brain, Part 4: Essential “drugs” to use when ministering to the child of divorce and trauma
I realize many of you want no part of using drugs with kids whose parents have divorced or children who have experienced some sort of trauma. However, the drugs or chemicals I’m introducing here today will help you and make your ministry more effective when you use them. They are all natural, legal, and free. These four drugs have the ability to Affect Read more…
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Incredible amazing brain Part 3: Sweet kid or grumpy kid, which do you prefer?
Ever have a sweet, little kid run up to you, throw his arms around you, and tell you how much he missed you this week? Ever have a grumpy, little kid snarl at you as he enters the classroom? He slides past you, goes over to the corner, and sits down. You already know from past experience that this kid is going to Read more…
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Clutter stresses children of divorce. What you can do to help them.
Many children of divorce live hectic, frenzied lives. This is partly because they live in two separate homes with different sets of rules, schedules, rituals, and people in the home. At the beginning of the divorce, their stress can be over the top as their minds are filled with chaos. Children with stressed-filled lives need clean, plain, simplistic decoration in their environment. Too Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I answer questions from a parent who is in the middle of divorce conflict?
It’s Sunday morning crunch time, and you get an almost unanswerable question from a divorcing parent. More than likely, his kids are out of control due to the divorce, and he desperately needs help. How do you respond to such questions? One children’s minister asked for help in just such a scenario: “Give me a few short phrases that I can remember and Read more…
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What should you say when a child asks, “Does my mommy love me?”
If you are a pastor, kid’s minister, or teacher or you minister to children in any other way, someday you might be asked, “Do you think my mommy loves me?” I used to answer this question with a resounding, “Of course, your mommy loves you!” I mean, what kind of mother wouldn’t love her children? As the years have passed, though, and I’ve Read more…
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How long is a “minute” for the child of divorce?
For children of divorce, a minute can feel like an eternity, or it can zip by at lightning speed. Their perception of time’s passage is colored by the events in their lives—visitation with the other parent or the pain of a particular situation. Why? Let me paint a picture for you. A typical conversation in the house of an eight-year-old boy on Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help parents tell a 6, 7, or 8 year old children they are divorcing?
If you are a children’s minister, parents in your church have probably asked you this question. Or you may have been stunned when children tell a class or group that their parents are getting a divorce. Although none of us want children to face their parents’ divorce, it is a reality happening in our world today. It is best if you know Read more…
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Stress-busting tips for kids in divorce
Major stress can send an otherwise normal kid straight into panic mode. Imagine the impact of stress on the child of divorce—or any child of a traumatic situation! Stress is the body’s way of reacting to challenging or frightening events. Clearly, divorce is a major stressor for the children who are impacted. These children become the disruptive kids in your groups. They need Read more…
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Question of the week: Do single parents need family meetings? Should children’s ministers encourage them?
I’ve heard church leaders question the necessity of family meetings for single-parent homes. Some have even asked, “Aren’t these broken homes, so what good would family meetings do?” When it comes to single-parent families, there are some broken homes, and there are emotionally and spiritually healthy homes. Both types can benefit from holding family meetings. 10 reasons to encourage family meetings in single-parent Read more…
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Children of divorce need to belong but do they “belong” in your church?
God designed all of us to want to belong. He made us relational and gave us the need to be in relationships. Children of divorce, too, have an innate desire to belong. First and foremost, God wants these children to be in relationship with Him as their Creator, second, with His Son, Jesus Christ, as their Savior, and lastly, with other people. Read more…
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10 ways to use God’s glory to de-stress the child of divorce
I’m always on the lookout for resources that can help us better minister to children of divorce. Right now, I’m reading Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv. This book verifies what I’ve thought for years about stressed-out children: stressed kids and children with ADHD and other behavior disorders need to be outside. Louv says they have a “nature-deficit disorder.” Overall, kids Read more…
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Why does the child of divorce wonder, “Where Will I Sleep Tonight?”
Why do children of divorce wonder, Where will I sleep tonight? These children face many stressful issues, and sometimes wondering where they will lay their head is a big worry. To adults, this might sound a little ridiculous. We all know where we will sleep tonight. Children of divorce, though, do actually worry about this question. Even with a schedule and consistency in Read more…
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10 ways to help kids of divorce when they explode emotionally at church
In our last post “When kids of divorce explode emotionally, how do you help the parent?” we discussed how to help the single parent whose child explodes at home. But what do you do when an emotional explosion happens at church? You can’t send the child to his room. You must handle the explosion at the moment it happens. Many ways we deal Read more…
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When kids of divorce explode emotionally, how do you help the parent?
In ministering to children of divorce and single parents, it is important to realize that single parents might need to quickly change how they discipline. They’ve moved from a two-parent partnership to a one-parent home. What worked before might no longer work for the single parent. It can be scary to parent alone, especially when children exhibit behaviors not normal for them. This Read more…
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Hurting children need heart-felt connections
Have you ever had a child get attached to you? I’ve had children who I knew were connected to me emotionally. The relationship between us was strong. I always hated it when I had to move and leave those kids behind. I knew there would be other people that would step in and new relationships would be formed. For the child of Read more…
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Empowering the helpless and vulnerable child
One of the tragedies of living in fractured families and the break up of a child’s home is the feeling of helplessness. Many adults who experienced the divorce of their parents report that, as children, they felt powerless and vulnerable. We now realize that the loss of dignity was another issue for many of these adults when they were children experiencing the break Read more…
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How to help children maintain dignity
This past weekend found me taking care of a couple kids whose single mom had to work. I really don’t mind these cute little girls spending the day with me at my house. I’ve kind of adopted these elementary age girls as my grandchildren. These girls have had a pretty rough time in their short lives. They were away from their mom for Read more…
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Two big mistakes we make with stressed-out children of divorce!
Many children living in divorcing single parent homes experience tremendous stress leading to some out of control behaviors. When they come to your church, your volunteers question what on earth could be causing these kids to act like this? They may wonder if there is any discipline in the home at all. It is not that their parent is a bad parent or Read more…
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Stressed out kids need comfort foods at Christmas
Do you remember the commercial for Chick-fil-A where the spotted cow puts up signs saying, “Eat mor chikin?” I always get a kick out of the way the “cowz” come up with different ways to supposedly keep one from eating beef. This food chain has come up with a unique way to promote its sell of chicken. Today I wish I had a unique Read more…
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How you can encourage single parents to attend church during the holidays?
A young single mom entered my class one Sunday close to Christmas. She was almost trembling and I could tell she was very upset. She just stood there looking at me and when I asked, “What’s wrong?” She said, “I need a hug.” Single parenting is tough almost all the time. But Sundays seem particularly hard for single parents. It could be that Read more…
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How do I help single parents reduce stress for kids who have to switch homes during the holidays?
In your ministry, it’s likely that you’ve observed single parents and kids who develop a lot of anxiety about the process of shuttling the children between homes. This stress will be amplified during the holiday season. The switching hour, the time the kids switch between homes, can become less stressful if single parents work at making it normal. I’d like to give Read more…
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Contagious anger and how it affects kids
A few weeks ago my thirteen-year-old grandson, my husband, and I were walking on the beach one evening. We were so busy talking and looking for seashells that I didn’t see a storm moving in. By the time we noticed the huge black cloud in the picture above moving over us, we were a mile and a half from our car. As Read more…
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You won’t believe what a child of divorce’s daily schedule is like when school starts
Have you ever wondered why some kids who attend your children’s program on a weeknight seem tired, grouchy, or maybe a little out of control after school starts in the fall? It might be the schedule they had to keep that day. When school starts, these kids are expected to survive an unbelievable daily schedule. When elementary-age children from a divorced home have Read more…
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Helpful tip for starting a new school year: Kids of divorce and clutter
Many children of divorce live hectic and frenzied lives. This is partly due to the fact that they live in two separate homes have two different sets of rules experience different schedules have different rituals have different people in the home The stress factor is another reason their minds are filled with chaos. Too much stress can confuse us as adults so imagine Read more…
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Talking to kids about disasters
I grew up in Bartlesville, OK. I have heard about tornadoes my entire life. I owned two child care programs in OK for over twenty-five years. As a kid I remember going into the hallways at school and putting my hands over my head while crouched down on my knees. In childcare we practiced relentlessly with the children. The fire department recommended Read more…
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Parental alienation—is it real?
My introduction to parental alienation was several years ago. A mom’s ex-husband was constantly telling us all about his ex’s bad traits. If that wasn’t bad enough, when the child returned from visitation with the dad, he was caustic toward his mother. To be honest with you, I got confused about whom to believe and was basically clueless about how to handle Read more…
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Helping kids process public tragedy and terror
Many children will hear about the recent attacks or other frightening events such as widespread fires, weather-related events, or horrific events experienced in other places. Parents will be struggling about what to say and how much to say. Having owned a child care facility in Oklahoma during the time of the Oklahoma City bombing, I would like to share some tips we Read more…
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Confusion, stress and other short-term legacies of divorce on kids
Several years ago I had a single mom show up at my house late one evening. She had left the husband that day, taken the kids and a few belongings and had checked into a local hotel. The precious 4th grade little girl looked bewildered. When I asked her what she thought about what was happening she said, “I am sooo confused. Somebody Read more…
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What Happens to The Child of Divorce During the “Switching Hour”?
Many have coined the time when children go from one home to another the “switching hour”. Evon Flesberg was the first expert to write about the switching hour in her book, “The Switching Hour, Kids of Divorce Say Good-Bye Again”[1]. I’ve watched children for years deal with this issue of switching back and forth between homes. Evon brings up an interesting point when Read more…
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Effects of Divorce on Teens and How Mobile Devices Can Complicate Healing
Divorce for teenagers is difficult at best. Now in the world of smart phones and other mobile devices divorce seems to be more open. These devices allow teens to express themselves with clarity never experienced before. It’s easy to fire off an angry text to a dad who has caused the divorce due to his infidelity. It’s easy to curse via a text Read more…
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Why should we have compassion for troubled and disruptive kids?
It is really very simple – a child does to others what has been done to them. Or they are hurting little children and their behavior is their voice screaming for help. Another reason is they need someone to love them and give them the caring and loving attention little children need. Children aren’t born mean. There may be some predispositions such as Read more…
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Christmas and the emotions of a child of divorce
It’s obvious. Christmas is a hard time of year for children of divorce. Traditions are disrupted. Visitation disrupts their schedules. What should you expect as you interact with one of these children in the context of your ministry? Divorce or separation of parents is recent If it is a child’s first Christmas after the separation or divorce of their parents, you should be Read more…
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“Pastor, what do I do when my child …?” (Solutions to ten challenging single-parent discipline situations)
When one is parenting alone, there is no one to help late at night or on a day-to-day basis when discipline situations arise. It can get overwhelming, to say the least. As church leaders, you can be of great assistance to single parents when you understand the many issues involved in parenting alone. Following are some typical questions single parents have Read more…
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How Divorce Affects Preschool Age Children
As a three to five year old child it is hard to understand what is happening when one parent moves out of the home. Parents may have told the child they were getting a divorce and daddy (or mommy) was moving out but a child has no concept of what this means or what the word divorce means. This leaves the child in Read more…
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How Divorce Affects Children
To a child, the divorce of their parents can be likened to a tsunami that strikes their lives and leaves destruction and havoc in its wake. Nothing is ever the same again. The divorce will affect the child for many years to come. Divorce impacts future generations within the family • In some families divorce is cyclical. • Children lose access to grandparents Read more…
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A middle school teacher asks a tough question about tweens and divorce
A middle school teacher asked me a question that proved to be fairly thought provoking. I wanted to share his question and my thoughts toward his question. His question As a middle school teacher, I always wonder why some students deal very well with divorce, while others don’t? I would never make the assumption that they don’t do well, because many do. On Read more…
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How infidelity between a parent and a family friend devastates the children
In the post How the Ashley Madison scandal will affect children I shared how that scandal might affect children. But is the impact the same, as when a parent has an extramarital affair with someone the child knows? Is it worse when it is someone the child is close to? Think about it for a moment. It is hard enough when a child Read more…
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Have you encountered kids who actually wanted their parents to get a divorce?
Recently I posted an article about how blunt kids can be when talking about their parent’s divorce. After that post was published I had someone ask me if I had encountered kids who actually wanted their parents to get a divorce. This person asked if it was possible for little children to truly understood what divorce meant. Do they really want their parents Read more…
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What happens when you have the “warm fuzzies” for challenging children
Take a moment to think of someone you care about or someone that has impacted your life in a positive way. There are a lot of people that have impacted my life especially in ministry. When I think of one lady in particular and how she has blessed me down through the years I get the “warm fuzzies”. You know that feeling where Read more…
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Helping a child grieve the death of a parent
Recently I published a blog about grieving a death vs grieving a divorce. While that post concentrated on helping the child of divorce grieve, I heard from many people wanting tips for helping a child grieve the death of a loved one as well. The organization, Church Initiative, which supports this blog, has several incredible curriculums to equip churches minister to people in crisis. Read more…
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Question of the week: Should we kick kids out of church?
I’m fairly sure that most people will shout, “NO! Kids should never be kicked out of church.” And yet, that seems to be happening more and more. I don’t mean that leaders are intentionally kicking kids out of church permanently, but many are asking the child to leave a class for a week or two. To the child, it is it feels like being Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I help a child whose single parent moves a lot?
Moving is hard any way you label it. Recently we moved into a new home. Now I’m an adult and I understand in my mind the logistics of moving. I know things must be packed up and carted to the other home I know about packing and unpacking so things don’t get broke I know to be organized so things don’t get out of Read more…
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Question of the week: Are kids of divorce lonelier than kids in two-parent homes?
The answer is that of course, children of divorce are lonelier. I want to explain why, as the answer goes beyond the obvious– that only one parent is in the home. Childhood is supposed to be a happy time Little children are not supposed to be stressed, worried or lonely but we have thousands of children that don’t fit into that mold today. Many Read more…