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Linda Ranson Jacobs is one of the forefront leaders in the areas of children and divorce and single-parent family needs. More about Linda |
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Equipping local churches for ministry to the children of divorce. |
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This past weekend found me taking care of a couple kids whose single mom had to work. I really don’t mind these cute little girls spending the day with me at my house. I’ve kind of adopted these elementary age girls as my grandchildren. These girls have had a pretty rough time in their short lives. They were away from their mom for Read more…
“When my mom told me they were getting a divorce, I got confused. I didn’t understand what divorce was. I just knew my dad was moving out. I didn’t understand he was moving out – moving out. I thought he was visiting a friend for a few weeks. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me and my sister. I was Read more…
My daughter on duty in Afghanistan. Right about now I figure most of you are pretty stressed. From fall festivals through Christmas celebrations life can get pretty hectic for those in church ministries. You have the heart to minister. All year long the Lord has given you opportunities to further His kingdom through ministries to children and families. Now it is time Read more…
We’ve posted quite a few articles the past few years to help you help the children of divorce and the single parents in your church. Following is a summation of some those articles. I pray you are able to use these to minister to the hurting in your church and that they open the eyes to many ministers and volunteers who work with Read more…
As a children’s minister, have you ever encountered a single parent who asks you about spending the holidays with his ex? The children might be pushing the adults to do this. The single parent wants to please the kids but is seeking your input. How will you respond? In this article, you will discover some points to think about before answering the single Read more…
A young single mom entered my class one Sunday close to Christmas. She was almost trembling and I could tell she was very upset. She just stood there looking at me and when I asked, “What’s wrong?” She said, “I need a hug.” Single parenting is tough almost all the time. But Sundays seem particularly hard for single parents. It could be that Read more…
Many children’s pastors have approached me with questions about when other people in a single parent’s life should discipline the kids. Children’s pastors and other volunteers who deeply care for the kids want what is best for the children in these families. Many times, we hurt for kids when we see a little boy who needs a father figure and a teen girl Read more…
On Veteran’s Day and various holidays supporting the military, it is a good time to talk about celebrating the military single parents and their children in your congregations. This can be single parents who are currently serving or have served in our military. If you have children of a deployed single parent in your group, send a Facebook message, text or an email Read more…
In part 1 of “Keeping siblings together at church events” we talked about how attached children of divorce get to their siblings when traveling between homes. In this post we learn that many times when a child experiences the divorce of their parents, it affects their schoolwork. It is not unusual for a child to lose an entire school year due to the Read more…
This article stems from an email I got several months ago. Here is that email. I have been divorced for three years. My ex-wife no longer practices the morals and/or values in which I believe. In short, my ex-wife is an expert at covert manipulation (toward the kids) and causing problems. She’s like a pyromaniac setting a house on fire then going to Read more…
Ministering to the children means knowing something about their single parent and understanding the family situation. Situations are not always what they appear to be. A couple of years ago a leader of a DivorceCare group contacted me. She had a lady from another church in her group and she had received a call from this participant’s pastor. While the pastor was appreciative Read more…
A few weeks ago my thirteen-year-old grandson, my husband, and I were walking on the beach one evening. We were so busy talking and looking for seashells that I didn’t see a storm moving in. By the time we noticed the huge black cloud in the picture above moving over us, we were a mile and a half from our car. As Read more…
While younger children may revert back to separation anxiety that equates to a toddler separating from their parent, older children of divorce may have issues also. The older child of divorce worries and wonders about many issues concerning the divorce. The thoughts whirling around in their heads and the stress they are under can interfere with the start of school and throughout the Read more…
Within half an hour of arriving in your group, Braden has tripped over a chair, fallen into another kid, walked into the end of a table, and caused mass confusion when he came to the worship time and bumped into several kids already singing and praising the Lord. Friends are frustrated with him. Others are mad at him for hurting them. Volunteers are Read more…
All children need schedules and familiar routines but children of divorce especially need someone to advocate the importance of schedules and routines for them. Some children of divorce have several different schedules to follow. Imagine trying to remember what schedule you have to follow and thinking, “Am I at dad’s or mom’s?” Or “Do we take a shower before bed or when Read more…
Have you ever wondered why some kids who attend your children’s program on a weeknight seem tired, grouchy, or maybe a little out of control after school starts in the fall? It might be the schedule they had to keep that day. When school starts, these kids are expected to survive an unbelievable daily schedule. When elementary-age children from a divorced home have Read more…
When parents divorce, children are more likely to lose their connections with those around them. Many of us in know that children are born to connect. We have observed and watched as children become disconnected. Many problems facing young people today are due in large part to our failure to meet the children’s most basic human need for connectedness. Divorce brings many changes Read more…
Many children of divorce live hectic and frenzied lives. This is partly due to the fact that they live in two separate homes have two different sets of rules experience different schedules have different rituals have different people in the home The stress factor is another reason their minds are filled with chaos. Too much stress can confuse us as adults so imagine Read more…
Most of us who minister to children recognize that children’s earliest impressions of God are related to the relationship they have with their own parents. Several studies indicate this is particularly true of the father-child relationship. In other words, how a child relates to his earthly father and how he interacts with his daddy shape the child’s image of Father God. We Read more…
I grew up in Bartlesville, OK. I have heard about tornadoes my entire life. I owned two child care programs in OK for over twenty-five years. As a kid I remember going into the hallways at school and putting my hands over my head while crouched down on my knees. In childcare we practiced relentlessly with the children. The fire department recommended Read more…
It’s hard to understand all of the issues involved in parental alienation. We’ve learned parental alienation is real. It hurts to the core of parenting. It devastates the parent-child relationship. It is a very difficult concept for church leaders to understand and even harder to encourage the alienated parent. Alienated parents very much need the church family to walk alongside them during this Read more…
As a children’s minister or church leader, you may be wondering why you would need to understand the single-parent land mine of dating. I mean, is this topic one that is greatly going to affect your ministry? The answer is a loud YES! And you want to know why it can affect your ministry? Because normally when a single parent starts Read more…
Summer is here, and recently I’ve been doing my early morning walk on the beach. In our part of the country we have a beach restoration project going on. This project involves ships, pipes 4 feet in diameter, tractors, backhoes, and other equipment needed to dredge the sand off the bottom of the ocean and pump it up onto the beach. It’s Read more…
This week our church has had Vacation Bible School, or as it is known in church circles “VBS.” Rooms throughout the church are decorated from top to bottom. Teachers have been trained. Supplies, snacks and treats are ready to go. Music videos have been practiced, and the gospel has been adequately presented. Every day kids come in with big smiles on their Read more…
Have you ever given any thought to military families? How about the kids in the divorced military family? I can hear many of you saying, We don’t have a military base close to us. Or I think the base near us handles those issues. No military base in your area? While you might not have a military base close to your church, you Read more…
They arrive at your church clutching their grandparents’ hands. These are the children whose parents are at war with each other. The grandparents are sensitive to the needs of the grandchildren, even if the parents might not be. Or it could be that the newly divorced parent is simply overwhelmed, and the grandparents are standing in the gap by bringing their grandchildren to Read more…
When I’m at children’s ministers conferences I hear many refer to Deuteronomy 6:6–8. They usually explain the importance of parents being responsible to disciple their children based on this Scripture. I think most of us assume parents have the greatest influence on their children. While I agree with that idea, I wonder if we aren’t assuming all children live in a loving, Read more…
Ever wonder why that kid who only comes every other week has a parent that never seems to know what is going on? They appear frazzled all the time. It is because there is just too much happening in his or her personal life. They are frazzled single parents. Single parents are strong people. They have to be in order to survive. However, Read more…
Allow me to ask you some of questions. Did you see any single mothers in your church on Mother’s Day? Did you take a few minutes to look around for a single mom sitting alone in your midst? Do you know why the single moms were not in church on such a special day? For many single moms Mother’s Day is the worst Read more…
The choices you make today in ministering to children of divorce can affect them for the rest of their lives. If the child of divorce finds….. Attention from church leaders, it might very well prevent that teen girl from getting pregnant. Value at church, it might prevent that teen boy from committing suicide. Someone who cares for them at church, it might prevent Read more…
Have you ever had a class or group and all was going well until …….. that one child walked through the doors? You know what I’m talking about. It’s the child that seems to bring a tornado into the room with them leaving a path of destruction all along the way. You may ask What causes a child to be a whirlwind kid? Read more…
Life for a child of divorce is difficult! A church leader approached me with the following situation. “I have a wonderful Christian single mom in our church who is devastated, and I don’t know how to help. She has done everything to provide for and create a happy Christian home for her kids. The other day her son asked to go live with Read more…
Dreams are made to be chased relentlessly (Philip Gillespie) You may remember being a child and being outside running through the tall grass or climbing a tree and your mind being filled with all kinds of ideas and dreams. Think about the feeling of freedom your dreams brought to you. I remember just sitting on the porch of our old farmhouse. I would Read more…
There she sat at a fast-food restaurant, single mom alone with her daughter. The place was mostly empty. A worker was mopping the floor, and the little girl was fascinated with his chore. Her mom was glued to her cell phone. The little girl’s dinner sat at the table, untouched except for a few french fries she’d poke in her mouth as she Read more…
Afraid of making a mistake with the child of divorce? Many children’s leaders have shared that they tend to hold back or shy away from children of divorce simply because they are afraid of making things worse for the child. Next time you face such fears, think to yourself, “How much worse can anything be than to watch the two people in Read more…
Many children will hear about the recent attacks or other frightening events such as widespread fires, weather-related events, or horrific events experienced in other places. Parents will be struggling about what to say and how much to say. Having owned a child care facility in Oklahoma during the time of the Oklahoma City bombing, I would like to share some tips we Read more…
Training church leaders and volunteers is becoming critical if we want to address some of the more unusual situations and needs of children and families in our communities. It’s also important to educate ourselves on the many societal issues surrounding the children in our midst. The post “Mommy says Daddy has a girlfriend” discussed how to react and what to say and not Read more…
Many have coined the time when children go from one home to another the “switching hour”. Evon Flesberg was the first expert to write about the switching hour in her book, “The Switching Hour, Kids of Divorce Say Good-Bye Again”[1]. I’ve watched children for years deal with this issue of switching back and forth between homes. Evon brings up an interesting point when Read more…
The teacher looked on as four-year old Elsa clung to her mom and screamed, “Don’t weave me mommy. Please don’t weave me.” The teacher was confused because little Elsa had always loved coming to her Sunday school class. Mom seemed at a loss as to how to comfort Elsa and get her into the class. The teacher gradually moved into the scene and Read more…
All kids need hugs! However, when a divorce happens in a family many times the kids lost in the shuffle moving between homes. Or the because of the stress in the lives of the parents, the children’s needs get put on hold. You might say kids lose their hugs. The heart felt moments between parent and child become few and far between and Read more…
It is really very simple – a child does to others what has been done to them. Or they are hurting little children and their behavior is their voice screaming for help. Another reason is they need someone to love them and give them the caring and loving attention little children need. Children aren’t born mean. There may be some predispositions such as Read more…
It’s obvious. Christmas is a hard time of year for children of divorce. Traditions are disrupted. Visitation disrupts their schedules. What should you expect as you interact with one of these children in the context of your ministry? Divorce or separation of parents is recent If it is a child’s first Christmas after the separation or divorce of their parents, you should be Read more…
From Halloween through Christmas can seem like an entire season for single parents. For people parenting alone or co-parenting these two months have a tendency to loom very large over them. Stress is high – finances are low. Parties are often – a full night of sleep is desired. Shopping and rushing around is endured – calm quiet activities are rare. What can Read more…
In your ministry, it’s likely that you have observed single parents and kids who develop a lot of anxiety about the process of shuttling the children between homes. This stress will be amplified during the holiday season. The switching hour, the time the kids switch between homes, can become less stressful if single parents work at making it normal. I’d like to give you Read more…
♫♫ “Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat Please put a penny in the old man’s hat If you haven’t got a penny, a ha’penny will do, If you haven’t got a ha’penny then God bless you” ♫♫ This was once a popular Christmas song. It was comprised in the nineteenth century by an unknown author. It was a song that used Read more…
When one is parenting alone, there is no one to help late at night or on a day-to-day basis when discipline situations arise. It can get overwhelming, to say the least. As church leaders, you can be of great assistance to single parents when you understand the many issues involved in parenting alone. Following are some typical questions single parents have Read more…
As a three to five year old child it is hard to understand what is happening when one parent moves out of the home. Parents may have told the child they were getting a divorce and daddy (or mommy) was moving out but a child has no concept of what this means or what the word divorce means. This leaves the child in Read more…
Infants and toddlers are affected by the divorce in several ways. They don’t know what is going on but they do sense something is wrong. They pick up on the emotions of the adults around them. It will be hard for the parents to remain calm during the divorce process. Signs of distress in the child Infants and toddlers are likely to be Read more…
To a child, the divorce of their parents can be likened to a tsunami that strikes their lives and leaves destruction and havoc in its wake. Nothing is ever the same again. The divorce will affect the child for many years to come. Divorce impacts future generations within the family • In some families divorce is cyclical. • Children lose access to grandparents Read more…
Many adults give a big sigh when it comes to the thought that they can get an extra night of sleep this year on November 1st. Single parents, who are almost always sleep deprived, certainly welcome the idea of an extra hour of sleep. This year, however, the night before we switch our clocks back an hour comes that infamous and child-centered celebration Read more…
Have you ever thought about the power of encouragement? Most of us try to encourage children that come to our church. We do this because We want to build confidence within the child. We want to promote a relationship with the child so we can help them eventually foster a relationship with Jesus Christ. We want to stimulate them spiritually so they will Read more…
Recently I was leading a single parent retreat. At the beginning of the retreat I put up a poster titled, “My Child’s Positives” along with a sharpie attached to the paper. The instructions were at any time during the retreat they could go to the poster and list their children’s positive traits. While this might sound like a simple request for any parenting Read more…
When a couple divorces, many times they attempt to keep the breakup quiet. Perhaps they are embarrassed– or feel it a private matter. More than likely though, one or both spouse are so overwhelmed with a range of decisions and emotions they are coping with that they don’t think about telling other people. Often, schoolteachers are among the last to know. In a recent study 94% of teachers surveyed Read more…
Recently I posted an article about how blunt kids can be when talking about their parent’s divorce. After that post was published I had someone ask me if I had encountered kids who actually wanted their parents to get a divorce. This person asked if it was possible for little children to truly understood what divorce meant. Do they really want their parents Read more…
“But Dad wouldn’t do it that way.” “But mom lets us have ice cream before bed.” “But dad said if we didn’t want to go to bed early we don’t have to. He said so.” “But mom said we have to do our homework as soon as we get home. She said if it’s a problem for you to call her.” Children who Read more…
Our guest blogger today is Jenny Funderburke. Jenny is a Children’s Minister in Bradenton, FL. She is raising three little girls. She understands single mamas as you will read in her post below. She nails it about the single mamas and the lack of attention in churches. Thanks Jenny for sharing your blog with our readers. As I’ve walked through my “new normal”, Read more…
I’m fairly sure that most people will shout, “NO! Kids should never be kicked out of church.” And yet, that seems to be happening more and more. I don’t mean that leaders are intentionally kicking kids out of church permanently, but many are asking the child to leave a class for a week or two. To the child, it is it feels like being Read more…
The answer is that of course, children of divorce are lonelier. I want to explain why, as the answer goes beyond the obvious– that only one parent is in the home. Childhood is supposed to be a happy time Little children are not supposed to be stressed, worried or lonely but we have thousands of children that don’t fit into that mold today. Many Read more…
In Part I and Part II about elementary age kids cutting and self-harming we explored: The increase in self-harm Why they cut and self-harm How to recognize the signs of children who might become engaged in self-harming. In this post, let’s take a look at what to actually look for in a child that is self-harming and how you can help. Keep in mind Read more…
In my previous post, I alerted you to the increase of self-harm and cutting among elementary age children. This post explores why children self-harm and recognizing the signs of self-injury. Cutting and other forms of self-harm helps kids deal with frightening feelings they don’t understand and have no way of expressing in words. In other words developmentally they don’t have the language to express Read more…
This might seem like a strange question to many of us especially for people who work with and minister to children. Is it really possible that young children want to self-insure or hurt their own bodies? Most of us have heard about teenagers that cut and self-harm but how many of you have dealt with an elementary age child who is cutting? I Read more…
This is a question that comes up quite often when I’m visiting with a children’s minister or a church leader. Many times the grandparent doesn’t actually ask for help but the church leader can sense the grandparent is struggling. First: Begin praying for the grandparent as soon as you realize there is a problem Second: Without being intrusive visit with the grandparent to Read more…
In our world today many children experience what is known as an emotional concussion. Emotional concussions can be just as lethal, and sometimes even more so, than a physical concussion. Emotional concussions occur when young children Live in homes controlled by alcohol, drugs, explosive tempers Live in homes full of stress Live with dysfunctional adults Have exposure to people who are physically, emotionally, Read more…
I imagine when you read the title you thought I misspelled “whether.” You probably thought I was going to talk about the weather. The weather can be depressing. Having to keep kids inside all day can be a challenge. Grey skies and gloomy days during long winter months can get you down. But that’s not what I want to discuss today. Today I Read more…
He was in the military and during one of his deployments to Afghanistan he got a phone call from his eight-year-old son. It seems as though his wife had apparently had too much to drink or had taken some drugs and was passed out. This little boy didn’t know what to do. Here this dad is thousands of miles away. He can’t just Read more…
It’s true that a lot of posts we do on this site are about single moms. The simple reason is that a majority of single parents are single moms. Because of this, most of my personal experience is with single moms. However, there are some great single dads in our society as well. More and more single dads are stepping up and either helping raise Read more…
Recently I posted an article about how divorce affects children in high-income families. In many areas they fare worse than children in low-income families. However, children in low-income families have their issues too. Divorce tends to be cyclical in many families. Low-income families have been experiencing divorce longer than high-income families. Many of these adult children of divorce from low-income families are no Read more…
I have had many children’s ministers and church leaders tell me they don’t have children of divorce in their churches. Sometimes they cite the fact that their church is in middle-class America or in a higher-income area. I assume the rationale for their statement is that couples in higher-income families don’t divorce as much as people in what one would consider lower-income families. Read more…
A couple of years ago we began to hear about a relatively new occurrence—the gray divorce. The gray divorce is when mature and/or senior adults divorce. There are said to be several reasons for this phenomenon. You can read about them here. With the older adults divorcing, several things are going to affect churches and in particular children’s ministries. A children’s minister emailed Read more…
1. You get to meet some of the most fun people in ministry. 2. You get renewed and rejuvenated. 3. Your soul gets stretched – think “deeper and wider”. 4. You learn what products are available to help you do a better job of ministering to the little people in the world. (Like DC4K, DivorceCare for Kids) 5. Your love for children and Read more…
The following is a copy of the handout for the Group KidMin Conference on “What It Takes to Engage These Families”. The PowerPoint slides for this workshop can be found at the bottom of this post. Objectives for this session Ministering to the child of divorce takes a lot of energy and passion fuels the energy needed. Divorce can be messy for church Read more…
Kidmin and children’s ministers want a lot of hands on, visual and role-play kind of presentations. Two of my favorite demonstrations in to use in teaching about the child of divorce and used at the Group KidMin conference were Family sculpturing The balloon stress demo Family Sculpturing In the family sculpturing we have participants role-play different parts. We have a Child Mother Father Read more…
I have a wonderful opportunity to present a full 8 hours at the Group KidMin Conference coming up in October. That is e-i-g-h-t hours! I am excited to have this opportunity to talk about kids of divorce and their single parents to children’s pastors and church leaders. The deeper learning track I’m presenting is “Ministry to Kids of Divorce and Single Parent Families. Read more…
I grew up in Bartlesville, OK. I have heard about tornadoes my entire life. I owned two child care programs in OK for over twenty-five years. As a kid I remember going into the hallways at school and putting my hands over my head while crouched down on my knees. In childcare we practiced relentlessly with the children. The fire department recommended which Read more…
Linda Ranson Jacobs is one of the forefront leaders in the areas of children and divorce and single-parent family needs. Having been both divorced and widowed, Linda was a single mom who learned firsthand the emotional and support needs of broken families, and she developed a passion to help hurting families. As a children’s ministry director, children’s program developer, speaker, author, trainer, and therapeutic child care center owner, Read more…
