Author Archive
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Here is a zinger cheat sheet for single parents
Leaders: Print this page and share it with the single parents connected to your ministry. Imagine tools that will help single parents eliminate the need for yelling, screaming or threatening their kids when conflicts arise. Single parenting is never easy, but I’ve developed a cheat sheet that has simple but effective tips that will help single parents navigate the flash points that inevitably arise when Read more…
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Red zones in schools, churches, and homes—when kids don’t feel safe!
Ever heard of the “Red Zone?” Many of us understand that when something enters the red zone, it can prove to be a daunting situation. For example, if your car overheats, and the temperature gauge moves into the red zone, it’s important to check the engine to see what’s going on. Otherwise, the car may overheat or cause a fire, and you Read more…
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Creative tips to use when living with or ministering to a traumatized child
In another blog, “Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?” I presented how children might act when exposed to various crises. Today let’s look at what we can do when ministering to, living with, or working with a child that has been traumatized. What to do When dealing with unruly children change from thinking or asking, “What’s wrong with you?” to Read more…
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When grandparents have custody of the grandchildren – discipline and how the church can help
In the post, “What do I need to know when grandparents assume responsibility for their grandchildren?” I presented the many changes a grandparent must face when providing full-time care for a grandchild or grandchildren when the child’s parents are not able to provide care. Now, I want to discuss the discipline issues many grandparents must face. It can be a daunting task to Read more…
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Building a Bridge of Support for Children of Divorce
“The truth is, kids of divorce can be resilient when they have a strong support system undergirding them while the family they knew radically changes. What better place for children of divorce to find strong support than in God’s house, among friends and adults who’ll love and care for them? Still, many children’s ministers are unsure of what it takes to minister Read more…
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How to help single parents de-stress their children
In another post, we talked about using nature at church to help de-stress children of divorce. It’s a lonely world out there when you’re parenting alone, and your kid gets stressed out by something you have no control over. It is good to have a few suggestions on hand to help single parents. When I was a single parent, my kids and Read more…
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How will you handle Father’s Day and the child of divorce?
“Can you believe he didn’t even come to his own granddaughter’s graduation?” With fire in her eyes my friend continued with, “He didn’t even bother to call or send a card. What’s wrong with a man like that?” This isn’t the first conversation we have had about her dad. As a grown woman what she really wants to know is, Why didn’t my Read more…
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Question of the week: How do I handle Fathers Day with kids who have absent, uninvolved fathers?
Father’s Day is upon us again. I’ve been watching all the Father’s Day ideas on Pinterest and Facebook pages that serve children’s ministers. I’ve also received a slew of emails from prominent children’s ministers and children’s organizations talking about honoring fathers on this up-and-coming Father’s Day. I’m seeing some great ideas, and I’m glad to see churches reaching out to fathers. Read more…
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Practical tips to honor noncustodial dads on Father’s Day
In a previous post about Father’s Day we talked about the how to help kids who have a MIA dad. There are many dads who are not missing. These are the dads, who while they might not have custody, are good dads that love their children deeply. They care about the well fare of the kids and the family where their children live. Read more…
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What do I need to know when grandparents assume responsibility for their grandchildren?
Many grandparents thought they were through parenting only to find they have to parent the second or third generation in their family. Some of these grandparents are retired or ready to retire. They have worked hard to get to a point where they can sit back and enjoy life. Now they find they have to make many adjustments in their home. That sewing Read more…
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Single Parents: How do I help my kid transition into their summer visitation schedule?
“The children in our area will be getting out of school in the next couple of weeks. I already know several kids of divorce that will be taking off the day after school is out. How do I send these kids off for the summer and let them know how much we will miss them?” (A children’s pastor) Many children of divorce have Read more…
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Is there a difference between a broken home and a single parent family?
Many times when people say, “broken home” one thinks of a single-parent home where the kids are out of control or possibly the parent is out of control. You might question if there is a big difference between broken homes and single-parent homes. I mean, after all, don’t both kinds of homes have only one parent? So, is there really a difference between Read more…
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Single moms are moms too! Honor them on Mother’s Day.
Single moms deserve the honor of being acknowledged on Mother’s Day. But how many single moms will be in your church on Mother’s Day? Have you ever noticed that some single moms might not attend on Mother’s Day? Know why? Because it can be a hurtful day without their children. You know, the kids who are with the other parent every other Read more…
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How do we tell our children we are divorcing?
This is a tough situation but we can help you. Judith Wallerstein, in her book What About the Children? says it is best to plan on having two family meetings with both parents together with their children. Obviously, we are assuming that both parents are willing to participate: The first meeting is when the parents tell the children about the divorce. Read more…
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One important point when ministering to kids in crisis and trauma – be present in the moment!
. Kids in trauma and crisis pick up on what is going on in your mind. This is especially true of kids from divorced situations or children who have experienced some type of trauma, like a school shooting. Your presence of mind makes a difference to a child who has experienced a crisis. These kids need you to be in the moment so Read more…
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Today’s kids are experiencing a world full of trauma. Is your church trauma-informed?
In our world today, many children experience early childhood trauma. Through a lot of research, we now know that childhood trauma can affect children for the rest of their lives. ACEs too High explains in several articles and research reviews how trauma in early childhood can affect kids’ behavior and health during childhood and cause lifelong problems. We know early trauma causes Read more…
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Single Parents: Ten Discipline Solutions for Single Parents
When one is parenting alone, there is no one to help late at night or on a day-to-day basis when discipline situations arise. It can get overwhelming, to say the least. Following are some typical questions many single parents have asked me regarding discipline situations. You can use this article to help educate yourself so when something happens you will have Read more…
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Single Parents: Summer months can be very complicated for your children
Summer months can become very sticky, messy, and complicated for mothers, fathers, and children in divorced families and single-parent homes. Divorce decrees can mandate that when school is out, and the children visit the other parent for extended periods of time. They may stay several weeks or even all summer with the other parent. In places with year-round school, the children might stay Read more…
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Do elementary age children die by suicide? (Covid might be changing the stats)
This series of articles was written before the Covid pandemic hit our world. The articles on suicide here on the Kids & Divorce blog still apply to children whose parents are divorcing, arguing, etc. but now we add another stressful element to their lives with Covid issues. We know the isolation and stress our children are experiencing have added to thoughts Read more…
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A call for help: Suicide in children
This is the second in the series on children and suicide. The first post asked the question, “Do elementary age children seriously consider dying by suicide?” It is important to understand all you can about suicide in young children so you can better parent, teach and minister to the potentially vulnerable child in your life. This post gives you a deeper understanding of Read more…
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Suicide myths: Learning the truths
This is the third article in this series on suicide in children. The first asked the question, “Do elementary age children seriously die by suicide?” The second was, “A call for help”. In this article, we separate the truths from the myths of suicide. It is important to truly understand all aspects of suicide in children so we can help them have a Read more…
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Single Parents: What are the 3 S’s that can trigger unexpected emotions and memories at Christmas?
Just thinking about walking into my mom’s kitchen brings back fond memories. The aroma of homemade candies and pies flood my mind. The sight of her Christmas tree with the tiny little red bell that had been in my family since before I was born comes to my mind. Any time I smell cinnamon, it takes me back to Christmases past when Read more…
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Give it all to Jesus: My personal story of surviving the holidays
I’ve been through some painful Christmases, following a divorce and after the death of my husband. Down through the years, I developed a way to survive the Christmas season. I’ve shared this story with hundreds of people and I’ve shared it on this blog in Christmases past. Hurting single parents have told me that this one story has helped them also discover a Read more…
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Single Parents: The Wind Chime that Changed Christmas
For this single-parent family, it was the first Christmas without the other parent. How could a wind chime make a difference? How did a wind chime help this single parent make new traditions during the holidays? As single parents, we need to approach the birth of our Savior during the Christmas holidays. It doesn’t have to be all about presents, stressing over Read more…
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Ways to help the angry child of divorce be thankful at Thanksgiving
Many times the child of divorce doesn’t comprehend the idea of being grateful. As a matter of fact, many children of divorce get angry over the holidays. Being thankful is not on their minds at all. Even if you are teaching about being thankful, they may not understand the concept because of the anger they are experiencing. For the child of divorce, many Read more…
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Single Parents – Celebrating Thanksgiving Might Be Different
A lot of people encourage divorcing parents to come together for holidays, such as Thanksgiving. People think it is in the best interest of the children. The premise is to create the image of one big, happy family. Although that might seem to work for the adults, for the most part, it is not a good idea where children are concerned. Psychologist Carl Read more…
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Gaming addiction and kids of divorce
Today’s post is by guest author Linda Alderfer, DC4K director and ministry coach. Why do children’s ministers and DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) leaders need to be aware of gaming addiction? Excessive use of video games can become a trap (an addiction) kids get caught in as they try to escape their emotional turmoil. Experts have found that excessive gaming leads to addiction Read more…
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Happy Mother’s Day to all the single moms everywhere
Single moms deserve the honor of being acknowledged on Mother’s Day. When you get to know a single mom you begin to realize they are the most determined group of people you will ever meet. Single moms have reared some amazing adults. Single moms today are raising the next generation of doctors, lawyers, scientist, ministers, politicians, teachers, parents and every profession you can Read more…
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How grandparents can help children of divorce honor their moms on Mother’s Day
With Mother’s Day on the horizon, many churches are planning how to celebrate the mothers in their congregation. In children’s classes around the globe, little kids will be making things to take to their mothers on this special day. There is one group of kids, though, who are conflicted about how to proceed with celebrating their mothers, and that is children of Read more…
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How to keep single parents from burning out
Loneliness and stress are probably the largest reasons why single parents burn out. And right now with Covid 19 and the sheltering in place and lock downs, many single parent are feeling the crunch. Many are not getting to see the children because they are at the other parent’s home. Others are worried that with all the transporting back and forth between Read more…
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Why kids of divorce don’t feel safe and what you can do about it
Here is where many of us go wrong, we expect the child of divorce, who is caught up in an emotional train wreck, to function like any other kid. Doing school work, memorizing Scripture, answering questions about stories, and behaving appropriately may be almost impossible for children of divorce. Why? Their bodies are poised to respond to outside stimuli and interactions with fear. Read more…
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How Daylight Savings Time will affect kids of divorce
Next week, when we go on daylight savings time children, will rise an hour earlier. Most of them will rise while it is still dark outside. Some will have to wait on school buses in the dark. Monday all these children are going to arrive at school a little flustered and sleepy. It will take a few days or even weeks for Read more…
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Take precautions – infectious virus
Coronavirus and pandemic are words being cast around the world right now. People are scared. You can hear it in the almost panic voices of the news media as they expound on the coronavirus crisis. Being in children’s ministry, I naturally think about the children in our communities. To be specific, I think about the children in single-parent families. Kids of divorce are Read more…
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Question of the week: How does Valentine’s Day affect kids and divorced parents?
The infamous day of “love” is coming up. You know the one I’m talking about: Valentine’s Day. How Valentine’s Day affects kids and divorced parents is an interesting question. A lot of how it affects kids and parents depends on where the parents are in the divorce process. If the parents are recently divorced, still healing, and not involved in another relationship, Read more…
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Reasons Why Children Get Angry During the Holidays
Some single parents face the holidays with excitement and a resolve to make this holiday season the best ever for their children. However, if this is the first year a single parent in your church has faced the holidays, he or she may be approaching the holidays with trepidation. These single parents might not be sure how their children are going to react Read more…
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The Wind Chime That Changed Christmas
For this single-parent family, it was the first Christmas without the other parent. How could a wind chime make a difference? How did a wind chime help this single parent make new traditions during the holidays? It’s important for single parents to approach the birth of our Savior during the Christmas holidays. It doesn’t have to be all about presents, stressing over where Read more…
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What are the 3 S’s that can trigger unexpected emotions and memories at Christmas?
Just thinking about walking into my mom’s kitchen brings back fond memories. The aroma of homemade candies and pies flood my mind. The sight of her Christmas tree with the tiny little red bell that had been in my family since before I was born comes to my mind. Any time I smell cinnamon, it takes me back to Christmases past of Read more…
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Question of the week: Why is the interruption of routines and traditions at Christmas so difficult for a child?
Children of divorce get used to a particular routine. While living in a different house every week or leaving your home to spend every other weekend with a different parent might not seem like a routine to us adults, to children, it is what has become their routine. It is a schedule that has become a routine they can count on to Read more…
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Murdered Single Mom
Six years ago, at about 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve, a seventeen-year-old young man murdered his single mom in the Florida community where I live. They had been having an altercation, and at some point, the young man grabbed a baseball bat, beat his mom, and stabbed her numerous times with kitchen knives. From all accounts, the young man appeared to be a Read more…
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Question of the week: Why do behavior problems escalate when there is a divorce?
There are many things happening in a child’s life when parents separate or divorce. The child doesn’t understand adult problems and even though a lot of their friends have divorced parents, many children simply don’t know what the word “divorce” means. All they know is their parents were together and now one parent is packing their bags. In “Divorced Kids” by Laurene Read more…
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3 reasons grandparents who parent grandchildren are emotionally exhausted—and how you can help
Grandparents who parent their grandchildren come in all ages, shapes, sizes, and colors. Some are healthy. Others aren’t. Some are financially stable. Others live on a fixed income. Many are married. And many are single. And some are in second and third marriages. But no matter the age, health condition, marital status, or finances, raising grandchildren is emotionally tough. Let’s look at three Read more…
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15 fears and worries single parents face
Recently in our Single and Parenting class we covered the question, “What fears and worries do you have raising your children by yourself?” Our group was quick to share from their hearts. I’ve asked this question many times at workshops and seminars. Here are some answers I’ve garnered over the years How would I keep my kids safe? When my kids lived close Read more…
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Happy 4th
Single parent If you are a divorced parent and not with your children today on the 4th of July, give them a call, or text them. Let them know you are thinking of them, and wish them a safe 4th of July. If you have your children with you today, plan some kind of celebration, even if it’s just a picnic in your Read more…
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How Do You Help the Single Dads in Your Church?
When many people think “single parent” they automatically think of the single mom. While single moms do make up the majority of single parents, single dad households are on the rise. According to research published in 2013 and released by the Pew Research Social & Demographic Trends in the article “The Rise of Single Fathers” minor children living in a home headed by Read more…
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Does your church disciple single dads?
We hear a lot in the news about deadbeat single dads. These stories are about single dads who don’t step up to the plate and support their children. Not long ago there was the news story in the New York Times titled, Skip Child Support. Go to Jail. Lose Job. Repeat. I’m not here to debate the political correctness of that situation. I Read more…
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Happy Father’s Day!
To single dads, co-parenting dads, noncustodial fathers, stepdads, and to those who are happily married: thanks for all you do to love and support your children. You make a difference!
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Regarding Father’s Day: Single dads are dads too!
This month I’d like to bring emphasis to the single dads in our world today. Let’s start by thinking about single dads and Father’s Day. Father’s Day is set aside to celebrate the father’s in our world. Some children of divorce may not have a close relationship with their father. Perhaps the Lord has provided another person to play that father role. Read more…
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Grieving a death vs. grieving a divorce: a child’s perspective
Losing a parent to death or to divorce is catastrophic for any child. However, there are different issues in the grief process between the death of a parent and the end of the parent’s marriage. When a child loses a parent due to death, even young children can understand the concept that the body quit working. All children come across toys or things that Read more…
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Do you recognize the behaviors of a traumatized child?
Are you are aware of the many crises children today experience? A trauma-informed church understands how a crisis affects a child. Experiencing a life crisis can lead to some children exhibiting particular characteristics of being “traumatized?” Definitions of crisis and trauma A crisis is an event – a disaster, the emergency, the calamity, or predicament. Trauma is the result of experiencing a crisis Read more…
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Why kids won’t tell their stories
Recently I posted an article about why kids need to tell their stories. It is very important for kids to talk and tell stories about the breakup of their family. Unfortunately, there are several reasons why they won’t attempt to talk and share what is happening to them. Did you notice I said, “Won’t attempt to talk?” Some kids become mute when they are with Read more…
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Why do kids of divorce need to tell their stories?
If you read this blog often you have read, “kids need to tell their stories.” Why do I continually say this. Is it really that important for kids to talk about their lives? Is it important to bring up things that are currently happening in their daily lives? Absolutely it is and here’s why. I’ve read several books about adult children of divorce and many Read more…
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Kids that exhibit strange and unusual actions
Have you ever had a child exhibit behaviors that you couldn’t quite put your finger on what the problem was? The child who acts out at strange times The child who says something out of the ordinary and you don’t realize it until later in the day when you think, “That was a strange comment for him to make.” The kid who runs, Read more…
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Help a single parent family turn to God
I see many single parents turn to the church for help. They know they need help in working through a crisis. They understand they need support through prayer partners in the church. However, in today’s world a lot of people simply don’t know how to seek God. Church is foreign to them and they are clueless as to what goes on in that Read more…
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The Easter Bunny arrives right on cue!
Easter was only a week away. Everywhere you looked there were Easter displays. Many churches were planning an Easter egg hunt or Easter celebrations the next Saturday. Kids in my preschool and after-school program were hyped about Easter games, Easter baskets, Easter candy, and Easter, Easter, Easter. In my program were three children who were not excited about all this Easter stuff. Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part II
In Part 1 of “A class without stickers and rewards” we presented the downside to rewarding children and how rewards created “other control.” Today, let’s examine how many people use various reward systems for behavior issues. Sometimes we think handing a reward to each child that behaves will encourage the out of control kids to think about their behavior. The problem is most kids Read more…
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A class without stickers or rewards! Are you kidding me? Part I
First let me say that I like stickers. I think stickers are fun crazy and whimsical. I know many of you are tied to your stickers and rewards. I understand. Handing out rewards has been a mainstay in children’s ministry for a long time. What I want to present in this post is how do you have a class without stickers or other Read more…
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Happy birthday to our favorite little fella – Herby
Today is Herby’s birthday. He is on spring break and sunning on the beach. 🙂 Some of you may not know Herby. Allow me to introduce you to him. Herby is the mascot of sorts for the DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) program. Children all over the world are enjoying the feelings that Herby’s puppet faces express. They are getting acquainted with their own Read more…
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He stomped in and plopped down in a chair. It was going to be a wild ride!
Ever had a child stomp into a room and when you tried to greet him he turned his back and plopped himself down in a chair? Most of have experienced something like this. Oh the way the child entered the room may have been different, but you knew the minute you saw the child it was going to be one of “those” days with Read more…
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He was so angry he couldn’t sit still!
Ever seen a kid so mad about his parent’s separation or divorce that he couldn’t even sit still for a minute? I had a nine year-old boy like this last a few years ago. He started our DC4K group in September and he oozed anger. He literally couldn’t make his body be still. Anger was etched on his face. Anger was in his movements. Read more…
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Have you ever played the Baggage Game?
Have you ever thought about the baggage a child of divorce carries around with them? I’m not talking about the backpacks or suitcases. I’m talking about the heavy stuff, the emotional stuff the things that weigh down their minds and make their hearts heavy. When I’m out doing workshops for children’s ministers and church leaders I like to have the participants play Read more…
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Why are behavior problems compounded when there is a divorce?
I get asked this questions all the time: “Why do behavior problems escalate when there is a divorce.” Having divorcing parens creates a lot of confusion in many children, not all children but in many children. To a little kid there are crazy things start happening when parents separate or divorce. The child doesn’t understand adult problems and even though a lot of Read more…
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Are hungry hearts listening?
Hungry hearts have no ears. This was a phrase that Ms. Kennedy, an elementary teacher, used to tell the parents of children in her class about the importance of proper nutrition and having enough to eat. After reading a research project that was conducted at the Anthony Elementary School in Leavenworth, Kansas, this above phrase makes more sense to me. The study at Anthony Read more…
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When nothing seems right in your ministry, what do you do?
One time I was working with the cutest little single dad family. There were three children. Michael was the middle child in between two bossy sisters. One morning he was really grouchy. Nothing was right. His clothes bothered him. He didn’t like his breakfast. His paper kept moving around when he was trying to draw a picture. He was mad at both sisters. Read more…
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Helping single parents and their kids survive Valentine’s Day
Most of us who work with or minister to children smile when we think about Valentine’s Day. Perhaps you remember the excitement of taking your Valentine cards to school to swap with the other kids. Or maybe you are experiencing your own kids and their excitement at getting all those cards on Valentine’s Day. While Valentine’s Day can be exciting for many people, Read more…
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Question of the week: Do you have any advice for parents to help children who rotate between two homes?
I was recently asked this question on Facebook. I know nothing about the individual situation that prompted this question so I can only answer in generalities. Here are a few ideas that will help all children. Share them with the single parents you know and minister to: Keep a calendar in a prominent place so the child can see it. Remind the Read more…
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Understanding visitation arrangements
I attend a lot of children and family ministry conferences. I’m also part of several KidMin Facebook pages so I get a lot of questions about children of divorce. Here are three questions children’s pastors asked about visitation issues. I understand the ‘every other weekend’ visitation schedule. I understand a child visiting the other parent on holidays and during the summer. But we Read more…
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Why children like “life in the shadows”
Too Small To Ignore, by Dr. Wess Stafford (Waterbrook Press) pg. 63 How will you create a close-knit group for a child of divorce? Will these kids feel accepted and part of the group family? Many children of divorce feel abandoned by one of their parents and sometime by both parents. Children of divorce need the church. They need to know God will never Read more…
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Emotional concussions can be just as lethal, and sometimes even more so, than a physical concussion
Have you ever considered the term emotional concussion? Have you ever thought about what might be involved in an emotional concussion? Emotional concussions occur when young children Live in homes controlled by alcohol, drugs, explosive tempers Live in homes full of stress Live with dysfunctional adults Have exposure to people who are physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abusive Experience the divorce of their parents From Read more…
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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies
Children of divorce have a lot of questions to ask but many times they don’t know whom to ask. If or when they do get up the courage to ask their questions, many are told lies. Or maybe they aren’t really lies but “half-truths.” Children need the truth– not lies or made up stories. I have always advocated that children be told the Read more…
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“Whether” getting you down?
I imagine when you read the title you thought I misspelled “whether.” You probably thought I was going to talk about the weather. The weather can be depressing. On my Facebook feed yesterday, several children’s ministers were announcing their church would be closed due to the horrific snow storm in some of the Northern states. A snow storm on Sunday and keeping Read more…
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No R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for anyone or anything. What do you do?
“I am fed up with some of these kids. They have no respect for me or for anything!” I have often heard people that work with misbehaving kids talk about the lack of respect some of these kids have. They say it like they are ready to throw in the towel and walk away. My suggestion is to take the word “respect” Read more…
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Little people need a big people advocate in the new year
As we are approaching a new year I want to challenge all of you to represent the little people at the big people’s table. What do I mean by that? I mean that many “little people” of divorce are going to be terribly stressed out as we approach the new year. They are going to need a big people advocate. Holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are not Read more…
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Part Two: Reasons we do what we do at Christmas and all year long
She pushed another child and screamed at the child in front of her as the Christmas play began. She didn’t want to be on stage. She didn’t want any part of the play. She shouted, “It’s just a stupid old play anyway. Who cares?” as she stormed off the stage. Her mom sat there terrified not knowing what to do. Her dad sat Read more…
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Part One: Reasons we do what we do at Christmas and all year long
The little fellow stood off to the side of the room. Everyone was jumping up and down waiting for their special Christmas treat. As each child received their present one could hear laughter and squeals of delight. All this little boy wanted was for his mom to come home for Christmas. If she could just change her mind and come home even if Read more…
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Here is 1 simple tip to help kids of divorce cope over the holidays
In your ministry, it’s likely that you have observed single parents and kids who develop a lot of anxiety about the process of shuttling the children between homes. This stress will be amplified during the holiday season. The switching hour, the time the kids switch between homes, can become less stressful if single parents work at making it normal. I’d like to give you Read more…
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5 Ways You Can Help Single Parents Survive the Upcoming Holidays
From Halloween through Christmas can seem like an entire season for single parents. For people parenting alone or co-parenting these two months have a tendency to loom very large over them. Stress is high – finances are low. Parties are often – a full night of sleep is desired. Shopping and rushing around is endured – calm quiet activities are rare. What can Read more…
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Why we shouldn’t try and “happy up” children who are hurting at Christmas
I want to take you inside the mind and heart of a child whose parents are separated or recently divorced. I’d like to help you to understand what Christmas will look like for them. It’s a stark contrast to the Christmas most of you will enjoy. We reflect on the Christ child at Christmas most of us feel joy and wonder. We get Read more…
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What are the 3 S’s that can trigger unexpected emotions and memories at Christmas?
Just thinking about walking into my mom’s kitchen brings back fond memories. The aroma of homemade candies and pies flood my mind. The sight of her Christmas tree with the tiny little red bell that had been in my family since before I was born comes to my mind. Any time I smell cinnamon, it takes me back to Christmases past of Read more…
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Why the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” policy doesn’t work with the child of divorce
One popular discipline policy churches use is what is called the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” policy. In theory it sounds reasonable but for many hurting children it is not reasonable or even fair. It goes something like this; the child doesn’t obey the rules, is unruly or is disrespectful in some manner and the count down starts. Strike 1: The first time Read more…
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How silence shatters dreams for the child of divorce
Every child has dreams and when parents divorce or break up, silence from the adults in their lives can tend to destroy the dreams in a normal child centered environment. All children are self-centered. That’s how God made us – to depend on our parents and other adults. However, when there is a crisis such as a divorce, kids need people to talk Read more…
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Give thanks today and tomorrow
Gratitude increases closeness in relationships. “As you parent your children, look for opportunities to take advantage of gratefulness to draw closer to your kids.” Dr. Scott Turansky Wishing all of our friends a happy and safe Thanksgiving
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Be an encourager for the little people this holiday season
When I was growing up, we went to my grandmother’s for holiday events. I remember when our entire family, including all the cousins, came together at Christmas, there were always two eating areas. One was in the kitchen at the kitchen table, and that’s where all the kids or, as my grandfather would say, “the little people” would eat. At the nice dining-room Read more…
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The child of divorce benefits from an attitude of gratitude
Is there really any good that comes out of being thankful? Does being thankful actually change a person’s attitude? There is a lot of brain research that shows this to be true. Plus, God’s Word tells us to be thankful. First Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Children Read more…
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Veterans Day and the military kid of divorce
From the article, What is Veterans Day we read, “Veterans Day is an American federal holiday celebrated each year on November eleventh. The day honors those who have served in the United States military.” This year Veterans Day fell on Sunday so many locations are celebrating today, Monday November 12th. In our area, which is a huge military area, schools are out and all of Read more…
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Successful communication tips when talking to children
It’s important to know what not to say, what to say, and how to say it. Recently I published a post about focusing on what you want more of. I got several private messages with questions and what if situations. Much of the people wanted to know more about controlling behaviors by the way you speak. What not to say “Okay?” at the Read more…
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Are you making life difficult for the child of divorce?
Do you make life difficult for the child of divorce? You might be surprised to learn you are doing that. Let me put this another way, do you dress the child of divorce in meaningless “garb”? Many times as adults we make life difficult for children. This is especially true for children of divorce. We try to comfort the child with adult-isms. You Read more…
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Got grouchy kids this week?
What are the two most difficult days out of the entire year for the child of divorce? Want to try and guess what they are? Christmas? Thanksgiving? Valentines Day? Halloween? Birthday? Did you pick any of the above? These are all good guesses and for many children some of these days are difficult. But the two days that cause havoc with the Read more…
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When children have heart attacks
For years children have told me their hearts hurt. When I ask them where it hurts, they will lay their little hands over their hearts and say, “It hurts right here.” You might say these little ones are having heart attacks. We don’t usually think about little children having a heart attack. The kind of “heart attack” I’m talking about is affecting thousands Read more…
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Responses to “What you focus on you get more of”
Recently I published a blog post about the importance of focusing on what we want kids to do and not on what we don’t want them to do. In the article I state, “I focus on how I want the kids to act and how they should behave. I set the expectations and standards early on, like the minute they walk into our Read more…
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What you focus on, you get more of – think discipline!
I facilitate a DC4K, DivorceCare for Kids, group at my church. We have 14 kids registered. Some of the kids are already in step family situations. Some have half siblings. Some live with a grandparent, and all have experienced either a divorce or a separation of their birth parents. We have children from kindergarten through fifth grade in our group. Mixed ages work Read more…
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Kids of divorce need predictability. How do you give them that?
Today, we continue our exploration about the importance of “rituals” for the child of divorce. This post will focus on the need for predictability in the lives of children of divorce. It’s very important that the child of divorce knows they can depend on specific things happening at specific times. They often have the perception that their lives are out of control and in disarray. Read more…
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The legacy impact of divorce on children
Divorce often has a profound lifetime effect on the child of divorce. While not all divorce-related legacies affect every child, most children will have some repercussions from the dissolution of the parent’s marriage. Divorce affects every child differently – even children in the same families. Following are some of the short-term legacies that most children experience. Short-term Intense stress Overwhelming emotions Constant fear Read more…
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5 Misperceptions About Children of Divorce and Their Families
In order to minister to children of divorce, we have to understand them. Unfortunately, many people who minister to these children hold some common misperceptions about children of divorce and their families. They might not realize the extent to which these children are hurting. The following are five misperceptions people have shared with me about children of divorce and their families: “These kids Read more…
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Fidgety kids, ADHD kids, and kids who can’t sit still, oh my!
It appears our society has a real big problem with fidgety kids and kids who can’t sit still. More children are being diagnosed ADHD, Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. Children being diagnosed with ADHD went from 7.8% in 2007 to 11% in 2011. Many more teachers, childcare workers, church volunteers, and even parents wonder if the children in their situations are ADHD. Because of the Read more…
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“I hate Divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel
For some church leaders and children’s workers it may be hard to truly understand what happens with a child of divorce inside the child’s head, within the heart, and under the skin Plainly stated, children lose their family. They lose a mom and dad living together as a unit. While this may seem like it is a simple statement, it has monumental outcomes Read more…
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More things kids of divorce do well
After the last post about “Ten things kids of divorce do well,” people responded with more things these kids do well and I’ve been asked to update the lists of things these kids do well. Please understand these lists do not apply to all children of divorce. And not all things on the lists apply to every child. God creates all of us Read more…
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10 things kids of divorce do well
. Did you know that while divorce is heart breaking for children there are many things kids of divorce do well? Oh, maybe not at first but eventually as they heal and move forward with their lives, they have a few advantages over other kids who haven’t experienced the break up of their family. Here are some of the things they do well Read more…
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A big problem for our future – 40% of children lack secure attachment
Many infants who live in a stressed single-parent home face attachment issues. The single parent, which could be a mom or a dad, might be in a state of shock and barely surviving. They take the child to childcare, work a full day, pick up the child, and stumble home. Hoping the childcare is giving adequate care, they may feed the child and Read more…
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Divorce – The Post-It Note from childhood
How many of you have ever used post-it notes? Post-it notes are cool plus they serve a purpose. They stick and they stick to almost any substance. I use post it notes to mark songs in books that I need to practice on the piano. When my kids were little I used them in their lunches to remind them they were loved. Sometimes Read more…
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One bird alone is like a single parent alone
Starting in May birds from South America arrive in our area to nest. They nest along the causeway to Navarre Beach from May to mid-September. I live in that area and walk the Navarre Bridge and causeway each morning during the summer months. I watch as these birds claim their territory and begin nesting. The black skimmers are fascinating to watch as they Read more…